“Sore?” I ask.
“Tired.” He grins and brushes my hair back before tucking some behind an ear. “You have a way of wearing me out.”
“Should I apologize?”
“Never apologize,” he instructs.
In no time at all, he’s dressed and heading out the door, but first, he gives me a kiss on my forehead.
I close my eyes once I hear my door shut. This game I’m playing—we’re playing—is dangerous. I don’t know what exactly their overlord will do once he finds out, but he’s the overlord. An overlord. Of course he’ll find out, and I don’t want to know what kind of power he has over Adir.
Or over me.
Because I’m not sure I’m entirely in control of my body anymore. Adir’s the one in charge, and that frightens me more than words can say.
I want him to have that control, though, and that’s even more terrifying.
When the bell rings for dinner, I’m famished. For once, I’m one of the first ones in the café, and I sit down with my drink and food. Just like with the breeders’ names, I don’t know the name of the meals each day, but I’ve grown accustomed to the food, and it’s not too bad at all. In fact, more times than not, I enjoy the food.
I hear her laugh before I see her, and Shawnta eyes me before turning to one of her friends.
“Have you ever been with someone who isn’t a breeder?” Shawnta asks loudly. “It’s been a hot minute, but I was with a guard once. Not too bad of a lay. I’m sure he’ll come around again.”
My skin begins to crawl. She can’t mean…
"Wait, he has neon pink eyes?" another one of her friends asks.
“Yep, that’s the one.”
“A guard? I’ve been with him.”
I stare down at my plate. There has to be more than one guard with neon pink eyes.
“Adir,” Shawnta says. “Not a bad lay at all. Wonder why he isn’t a breeder, but the way he gets around, he sure acts like it, don’t he?”
He’s sleeping around. He really is just like the breeders.
My appetite gone, in a daze, I just stand and walk away, not even bothering to put my tray away.
Adir has ruined everything.
Just do what’s right? Fine, I’ll do what’s right.
Even if it tears me into pieces.
9
Adir
That night, I climb into bed with a smile on my face. Callie has a way of making my days seem brighter, and even though I hate that I can’t spend the night with her, I can’t bring myself to be sad. She amazes me in ways that I haven’t ever thought of before, but I can’t. I just can’t. It has to end. It hurts to realize that it never should’ve started in the first place.
Maybe… Maybe… No. No, telling her that I slept with other women isn’t the best way to end things. She’ll hate me, and I don’t want to hurt her.
But is there any way that things between us can end without her being hurt?
“If only things didn’t have to end,” I mumble as I roll over.
Now, I’m frowning, scowling, cursing the night that separates us. My foul mood carries me into dreamland, but only for a moment because then Callie is there, assuring me that there’s nothing I can do that will change her feelings for me, and I’m weak, and I give into my feelings, into what feels good and natural even. We sleep together, but then she pushes me out of her room. I’m not even wearing my pants. She tosses them onto my head.
A breeder chuckles at me as he brushes by and enters Callie's room. I want to yank him out of there, to declare her off-limits, but I can't. I try, though, but nothing comes out of my mouth, and her door won't open no matter what I do.
Only, then her door does open. Before I can rush inside, another breeder is there. The first breeder hasn’t even left the room, but I’m shut out again.
Another breeder goes in and another, and I’m furious. Livid. Incensed. How can she do this to me?
It’s her job. She’s doing nothing wrong, but it’s killing me. It’s making me want to scream, to rip out my hair, to beat my chest.
Would telling her how I feel change things?
No. I can’t do that. Not even in this dream that’s descending into the realm of nightmares can I do that to her.
I have to let her go.
Callie deserves someone better than me, someone who will see her for the wonder that she is. She deserves to be protected, and I knew that from the start, but I had been selfish. I’ve done wrong by her, and I hate myself for it.
Why, though? Why am I so certain I did wrong? This is the Novan way. We go out and fuck this woman, that one, another.
But only until we find the one we want to fuck for the rest of our lives.
Only, I found her, and then I fucked another.
Worse, I’m jealous of her doing the same when she is well within her right too. I want to hold her to a higher standard than I do myself.
Ovian, I’m an ovian bastard. I don’t deserve her, but I want her for myself all the same.
Morality. Ever since Callie told me about her god and Heaven and Hell, I've been using my chip to try to learn more about it. Novans don't feel guilty about fucking around, but that's just it. With Callie's, it's not fucking. Why would I want a poor imitation of what we have?
Why had I been willing to be with someone else? Even under the stipulation of wanting to get her out of my system, I had been wrong on so many levels. So very wrong. I can’t… I can’t handle this anymore.
I’m not even sure when the nightmare ended, but I sit up and realize my hands are curled into tight fists. My entire body is shaking. I’m furious, not
