Maybe a part of me still does because I feel so utterly lost knowing that he’s not around. Sometimes, when there’s a knock at the door, I hope it’s him. Then I remember what he did, and the pain comes rushing back. Even so, there are times when I still want him to be on the other side of the door. Why? Do I want to hear excuses? Can I handle the truth? Will I be able to believe the truth if he tells it to me?
I want… I don’t know what I want. I have my two friends, and Lara, she’s become a friend too. A few of the other women have been trying to come around. I don’t know if there’s a sign on my forehead that is making it clear to everyone that I am in need of friends or at least distractions, but whatever it is, I appreciate it.
Unless… they haven't been told to friend me, have they? There have been some whispers sometimes that fall into a hushed silence and pointed stares when I enter the café. I don't know if some of them have been talking about Adir. Maybe there will be even more talk now that he's been sent away. I don't know. Maybe I'll invite some of the women to eat meals in my room for a time, so I can avoid having to deal with all of that.
And Shawnta… I don’t want to know how she feels about Adir. She has one of the biggest personalities I’ve ever met, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. She’s very comfortable in her own skin. If anything, I’m a little jealous of her.
“I am sorry for the grief Adir has caused you. Please be assured that nothing like that will happen to you again. You are safe here, and…”
The overlord continues talking, but I don’t listen anymore. I’ve never felt unsafe here. Did Adir hurt me? Yes, but I had also let myself get too involved emotionally. That’s on me. I knew from the start that we couldn’t be together, but I let myself get swept away by his charm. I’m not surprised that others wanted to be with him as well.
Finally, the overlord leaves, and I dare to leave my room. I'm about to knock on the door to one of my new friend's rooms when I spy one of the new breeders leaving Shawnta's room.
I don’t know what possesses me, but I march over to her room. The door hasn’t even shut yet, and I knock on the frame.
“Come…” Shawnta turns around to see it’s me. Her black eyebrows raise. “…in.”
“I just…” I throw up my hands. “I don’t know why I came over. I’ll go.” I turn to leave.
“Callie, right?”
I nod without turning around.
“I heard that you cared for Adir. Is that true? That you might’ve loved him.”
“I might’ve,” I say coolly, facing her.
She’s much closer to me now, and she brushes my hair back off my shoulder. “He seems like a good one. Why are you letting him get away?”
“He…”
"So he fucked a few of the women. He probably wanted the thrill of it, but I can tell you this. I know you. I've been watching you. You tend to think a lot, to feel a lot, don't you? Your emotions are stronger than most. You're sensitive." She holds up her hands. "I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I just think… if you developed feelings for him, there's a reason for it. Besides, all guys are the same, whether they're Earthling or Novan. They think with their dicks at times, and they aren't always the smartest. They don't always realize what's in front of them. If Adir's shown any remorse, maybe you should try and see if you can work things out."
“He’s gone.”
“Gone?” She crosses her arms, which pushes her boobs up. She’s naked. I only just realize that now.
“He’s been assigned a new job.”
“Well, that’ll make things more difficult, but if there’s a will, there’s a way.”
“Why?” I blur tout.
“Why what?”
“Why do you think I should talk to him? Maybe work things out?”
“Because. Like I said, I’ve been watching you. I can figure out when you were with him. You were happier. Now, yeah, sure, you’ve finally made friends, even with that one breeder, but you aren’t the same. That spark you had, it’s gone.”
“Spark?”
"You had a gleam in your eyes that's gone now. Get that back. Maybe Adir can't bring it back. As much as you don't want to hear this, maybe you'll need someone else. I don't know, but you might as well start with him." She shrugs. "I could be wrong."
“How? How can you do all of that talking and flirting and all of that and still have been watching me? Why me?”
“Oh, darling, I watch everyone. I like to observe and figure out what makes people tick. It’s kind of my thing.”
“Let me guess. You use that to be able to figure out how to handle a guy in bed?”
“Maybe so.” She winks at me. “You want to be happy? Then take life by the horns and fuck it. Do what you want. Live by no one’s rules but your own. You already did that by fucking Adir in the first place, or did you two make love?”
I say nothing.
Shawnta winks at me again as she turns me around. “I love this chat, but another guy is supposed to be coming, and I doubt you want in.”
She doesn’t have to tell me twice. Instead of heading to Diane’s room, I return to mine. I need to think. What do I want for my future? Not the future that the Novans want for me, certainly not the overlord. What do I want?
Who do I want?
17
Adir
Time passes. I'm not even sure how long.
