Serene nodded and pressed her fist up against her lips.
He knew. Serene didn't have to say. The implication was enough to bring back that sick feeling, the shame of that evening, Carrie finding Taylor sitting on their dad's lap. Taylor was sleeping with Darpan. Had she started up something with Mara's dad, too?
"Does Mara know you know? Did you confront her?"
"I don't know. But I think it's what I wanted to talk to Darpan about, or maybe I'd already talked to him. I can't remember everything, but I saw her arguing with Taylor that night. I was there."
Julie. Mara.
Mara was tall.
Mara was missing.
Steve looked toward the ocean, thinking. Had Mara somehow found out that Serene knew her secret and gone on the run? But no, that didn't make sense, she had too much at stake––her children––she wouldn't have left them.
That time at the restaurant when they'd all gone out to celebrate Gina's birthday. Enzo wasn't there. He was out of the country. After Mara had paid the bill, he'd watched her sign the receipt. She held the pen in her fist, hand slanted upward over the slip of paper.
"You're a lefty like me," Steve had joked.
She'd looked up, grinned and gave him a fist bump.
Wasn't it around the same time that Enzo reported Mara missing that Cuppa found Dora wandering about Hollywood?
Was it the next day?
The events were kind of a blur in his mind.
Erica had just left for Paris on a business trip. It was right around that time when Serene lost her memory.
"What if I did the wrong thing, talking to Darpan?" Serene said, staring up at him pensively. "It was a long time ago. And I don't think she meant to kill Taylor."
Steve shook his head and sighed. At one time it would have been black and white for him, but life was more nuanced than that. He'd learned over the years.
"You might want to see Darpan, find out what you may or may not have told him. But I think if he's innocent––"
"He shouldn't be paying for a crime he didn't commit," Serene finished. She took in a breath. "Steve?"
"Yes."
"I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know how I feel, in case I disappear."
The beating of his heart had migrated to his ears, almost drowning out the surf. "What do you mean?"
Her eyes were big and moist in the duskiness created by the headlights of continuous traffic. "I'm not just one person," she said softly.
His hand stroked her cheek and cupped under her chin, lifting her face up. They kissed, and for a moment he felt dizzy at the taste of her—his Serene.
"I'll do whatever I can to not lose you again," he said fiercely.
She nodded, sniffing. "But just in case. I want you to know. I love you."
60
Serene - March 2020
When she woke up, she found that she was still Serene. But she felt stronger, like she'd somehow been infused with energy that she hadn't known was missing until she could feel it pulsing through her body. There were things to do, conversations to have with Erica, Cuppa, the children. There were changes to make and they would all need to discuss them. Serene showered and dressed, pulling her braids into a ponytail. In the dining room, a boy sat at their kitchen table. He was eating alone. Serene wondered who he was and where everyone had gone. It was late, she knew. She'd rolled out of bed at ten. The boy looked up and Serene felt a sharp jolt.
Jesse?
"Hi," he mumbled. On closer inspection, he was wearing a blouse, but his hair, his beautiful mermaid hair, was gone. Closer to the roots, it was a darker shade of light brown.
"Hey." Serene took a seat opposite Jesse at the table. "I see you cut your hair."
Jesse sighed, setting down his spoon where it sank into his oatmeal. "Yeah. I asked Barbara to cut it for me."
"She did a good job."
Barbara had given him a shag cut with long bangs.
Jesse gave Serene a weary look and fiddled with the handle of his spoon.
"Why did you decide to cut it?"
He shrugged. "I think maybe I just want to look like a boy for now."
"Because of what Ron said?"
"I was just experimenting, okay? Now I want to be a boy!" he yelled and made to get up, but Serene covered one of his hands with hers.
"I was only curious, Jesse. I don't––" She struggled to find the right words. "It's only that I thought you liked dressing up in dresses and things."
"I do." Tears sprang to his eyes. "Sometimes," he whispered.
Serene’s hand tightened over her son's. "Did I, like, talk you into dressing like a girl?"
He shook his head, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "No. I wanted to. You said I could if I wanted. But now…" He shrugged again. "It was like, the more I dressed like that the more I felt like I had to do it."
"Why?"
"Because everyone kept saying, it's what Jesse likes to do, and everyone was making a big deal about my gender fluidity." His tongue stumbled on the last word and he blew up at his bangs. "I know I'm figuring it out, but now I want to figure this part out." He looked up at her shyly.
Serene didn't really understand this mom thing yet, but he was her son. Had been her son even before Dora took over. Somehow she had to find a way to invoke confidence in her children. The gender identity movement was beyond her and Serene still didn't quite get it, but that wasn't important. What was important was how Jesse felt. How Erica felt, too, she conceded.
Since last night, Dora's life was flooding her mental imagery like a jackpot in a slot machine. Still, she struggled to find the memories that belonged to her, Serene.
"I'm fine with whoever you want to be, Jesse."
This won her a small smile.
"The thing about me," she began and then paused,
