"You okay?" Serene asked.
Erica turned to look at her, but they seemed a million miles away.
"Erica?"
"I could use a walk," Erica said and began walking toward town. Serene jogged to catch up and then fell into step with them, matching their fast stride.
"Hey! Where are you guys going?" Sara yelled after them.
"We'll be back," Serene said, waving her away.
Erica kept up their pace. Across from Jackson Market, they suddenly stopped, silently eyeing Serene.
"I can't do this anymore," Erica said.
Serene held her wife's gaze, waiting.
Erica took a breath. "Carrie told me last night––when I called to find out where you were because you weren't answering your phone––she told me that your memories came back."
"Some of them," Serene said quietly.
"And she told me," Erica continued, "that you had gone off with Steve to talk. You came home at one in the morning. I know because I was waiting up."
"I'm sorry. I should have called."
"But it's not really about that, whether you called or not. It's more about the fact that you are completely and utterly emotionally absent from me, Serene. You are different from the woman you were."
Serene sucked in her cheeks, a sick feeling settling in her belly. Erica was right. Erica, who had shown her every kindness and consideration, who had loved her for years, stood by her during this horrible amnesia. If there was any way Serene could return that love, she would, but she just couldn't. She couldn't love Erica the way she needed to be loved.
"I saw the way you and Steve were looking at each other last night. Did you sleep with him?"
Serene's eyes skipped away. She couldn't bear to see the pain on Erica's face.
"You know, when I was shopping with Cuppa, going from one store to the next, trying to stock up on everything we'd need for our household, I kept asking myself: what for?"
"Erica."
"No. I need to say what I need to say. I thought that if I was just patient enough, if I just hung in there, we could ride this thing out together. In time, you'd remember what I meant to you, the life we built. I was even willing to overlook this attraction you've so obviously developed for your ex because I thought that when the real you returned, you'd remember us, and none of what came before us would matter." Erica's eyes swam with tears and they swallowed. "But she's not coming back, is she?"
Serene took Erica's hand, and they let her.
"When the memories came, they were Dora's. Not mine."
"Not yours?" Erica's eyes searched hers.
"I'm not Dora."
Erica gasped and Serene squeezed her hand.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." And for the first time, Serene reached out to hug Erica, letting Dora's wife cry against her shoulder.
61
Counselor: Claudia Lipstein, Session Date: April 15, 2020
Time: 2:00 PM, Session #34
Client Name: Dora Jones/Serene Hokulani
(D) The client seemed centered and calm today. This is our sixth session of one on one counseling following her separation with her wife, Erica. Since the client rejected trying to conform to the identity of Dora and has embraced the identity of Serene, she appears happier and more comfortable with herself and has formed a tenuous connection with her children, especially Barbara and Jesse. The client was also radiant from a state of infatuation and the renewed relationship with the father of her children. She spoke repeatedly about Steve throughout the session. I gently reminded her that she was in a state of influx with assimilating these different aspects of herself and that her relationship with Steve could be transient.
There has been a breakthrough today in that Serene has allegedly admitted to previous knowledge of Dora. When I questioned her more about this, she told me that throughout her life she has experienced periodic blackouts and that she would learn after recovering from them that she was going around as someone called Dora, although she never had any memory of being Dora. She said that this was the first time Dora had taken over her life so completely and for so long. Serene confided that she’s always kept these memory disruptions secret out of shame and embarrassment. The client confessed to having one friend who she did confide in about this secret and who usually helped by filling her in on what she missed when she experienced a memory disruption.
Which personality is primary and which is alternate out of the two, Serene and Dora, is not obvious. There is one other alternate, Sahana, who I have yet to see again, and possibly a fourth, a very young child, although that personality has not made itself clearly known.
Interestingly, the memories Serene regained in March belong to Dora. When I asked the client about these memories, she described them as memories outside of herself, like recalling the experiences of a character in a book. The amnesia persists from roughly July 1996 until some time in 2014 when Dora takes over.
(P) I will continue to see the client one on one, in family therapy and in couples counseling. In our next appointment I’d like to explore this new memory recollection of life as Dora and what this might mean for Serene. I have no doubt that at some point Dora will return, and when she does I think we might get a better sense of who the client might is.
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Steve - May 2020
Steve checked his calendar. It seemed he was busier with work than ever, helping entertainment companies navigate the complicated business of shutting down productions and negotiating with unions. He made himself a cup of coffee, blinking away the gritty tired feeling in his eyes. Last night he'd picked Serene up late from her house and brought her back at five in the morning so she wouldn't be missed. Hours of lovemaking and going to sleep at
