I wanted to leave The Darkness one day, and see my Mom and Dad again. I wanted to have a full life, fall in love, and have great friends. I wanted to finish high school, and see the proud smiles of my parents at graduation.
Once again hope tortured me, making me believe one day I would find freedom, and have all of those things. I hated hope. It had no place in The Darkness, and yet, I could never quite seem to banish it.
Torn and in floods of silent tears, I had hidden the glass shard in a tiny gap in the rough concrete floor, burying it in the filth for when things became dark enough for me to finally have the courage to use it one day.
I shot awake, sitting up in a panic. My skin was sweaty and my hands trembled badly. My breaths were rapid and short, as I fought to convince myself it was just a memory, a nightmare.
“Liv?” Kyle sat up beside me, and started rubbing soothing circles on my back. It was his turn to sleep with me that night, and I was so relieved he was there. “Just breathe, baby. You’re ok, I’m here with you.” He soothed calmly. I took back control of my breathing, and sank to the side into him, just needing the comfort his firm, warm body would give me. I needed to feel his bare chest beneath me to know for sure it had only been a nightmare, to know I was where I needed to be, safe with one of the men I had fallen deeply in love with.
Kyle just held me until my breaths calmed completely, then he laid back and pulled me with him, cradling my head on his chest.
“You want to talk about it?” He asked after a while of just silence.
I wasn’t sure at first. It had been one of many very dark moments I had in that hell hole, and I worried Kyle would freak to know I had been so very low, but I also knew if anyone would understand my darkness, it would be him.
“It was a memory.” I whispered, my voice trembling slightly. “It’s bad Kyle…..a really bad one.” I knew he wouldn’t stop me, but I felt I should warn him before I unloaded.
“It’s ok, just tell me baby. I got you.”
“It w-was about halfway through, so I was maybe thirteen.” I began. Tears were already silently flowing and I fought to calm them so I could go on. “He…..he came down as usual. He hurt me, threw me around until…..until I was too broken to fight or st-struggle, then he…...he touched me…..f-forced himself on……” A sob escaped, and Kyle wrapped his free arm around my waist and held me tighter. I took a deep breath and carried on, needing to get it out. “Once it was over he left and I…..I was s-so broken. I needed it to stop. It had been so long and I was sure if I didn’t find a way…..make it stop, then it n-never would. I found some glass, it was embedded in my chin.” I absentmindedly ran a finger over the scar that remained from that day, the scar Evie had pointed out the first day I met her. “I didn’t know about suicide really, but I knew if I shoved that shard of glass in my neck, where it throbbed with blood…..I knew that would be the end and I…….I was so cl.. so close. I just needed the pain to stop. I needed peace. I c-couldn’t hurt anymore. I couldn’t bear to have to lie there again while he…...he…..” I couldn't say it. Just the thought had me shaking and gasping to breathe.
“I know Liv, I know.” Kyle whispered, telling me I didn’t need to say it, as he comforted me with his tight embrace, his hard body protecting me from the rest of the world.
“I couldn’t though. I still had hope that one day I would g-get away from there…...hope my Mom and Dad would come for me, so I hid the shard. It came out more times, and I came really close again and again, but I never did it….never even tried. I was a coward, too scared to actually act.”
“Don’t say that. You are the bravest person I have ever met. You survived over eight fucking years in that Hell Liv, and you came out strong and determined to live. You fought to stay strong when most people would have crumbled, and never have recovered. I hate that you had to endure even a second of it, but I am so fucking glad you came out of it all, and here to me, to us.” He whispered, and I knew he was close to tears, I heard it in the croak of his voice.
“I’m glad I came to you too.” I agreed, pushing back some of the darkness.
“We’re going to give you the life you deserve, Princess. We will do everything we can to make the rest of your life as happy as it all should have been.”
“You make my life happy just by being with me.”
“Ditto, baby. I am happier than I have ever been when I have you in my arms.” He agreed, making me smile through my tears.
We lay in a peaceful silence for a while. My head lay on Kyle’s chest, and I just listened to his steady heartbeat as I thought through all I would be missing out on in that moment if I had acted that day, or any of the others like it. I wouldn’t have my guys, or my new family. I would never have met Xander, or done any of the great things I had done in the last month. Thoughts of dancing with Cole and Matt, of playing with Evie, and laughing with the guys flashed through my mind, and the feeling of love and freedom I had in those moments.
In the end hope had won,
