I don’t look at anyone in the store and, thankfully, we walk straight to the clothes that I need. There is a long sleeved shirt with a high neckline and I grab one in every colour in my new size. Spending months on limited food and water has done a number to my body. Nothing fits the way it used to.
There are leggings not too far from the shirts. There are different ones with bright colors and patterns, but I can’t bring myself to grab them. I grab a few pairs of plain, black ones. I know that I wouldn’t have the guts to try anything on, but I’m positive that I got the right size.
My brother grabs his wallet and pays for everything since I still barely let go of him to grab what I need.
When we are safely inside his vehicle, I breathe a sigh of relief.
“It’ll get easier,” he tells me, and I just nod my head. I know it will get easier, but I hate that something as simple as picking out a couple clothes brings me into a panicked mess. This isn’t who I am and I feel a desperate need to find the woman I used to be.
As soon as we get home, I throw everything in the wash so that I can get out of the huge clothes that I’m currently wearing. I would welcome the bagginess and shapeless look it gives me, but my shirts keep falling off of my shoulders and I’m just not ready for that, and don’t know if I ever will be.
I have tons of books and movies to watch, but instead I decide to scroll social media. I haven’t opened my account. I didn’t want to at first, but since I’m on the edge of boredom I decide to give it a shot.
I open to see many notifications and messages, but I ignore them for now. I’m not ready to see my friends. I didn’t have many before but, still, it’s a lot to take in and I don’t want to get any pity from anyone about where I have been. I would hate to have to relive the story over and over again.
Since it doesn’t look like anything exciting is going on, I decide to text Ella. She seems really nice and like someone I would like to get to know more. Plus, she was in that room with me and I know I wouldn’t have to explain any feelings that I didn’t want to. She wouldn’t push.
Before I can open the text app, a group message with what looks like Ella, Krista, Olivia, and Sophie comes in and I can’t help but smile at just seeing their names.
Ella: Hey! We wanted to check in and see how you are doing.
Me: I’m fine?
Krista: You don’t need to lie to us and pretend that everything is okay. We have all been through some crazy shit.
Olivia: Vent to us or tell us about you.
Sophie: It’s okay to not be fine. You know that, right?
Me: Thanks ladies. I’m fine. I had a mini freak out getting some clothes with my brother but, now that I’m in the safety of my own home, I feel better.
Ella: I’m happy that you went out to do that.
Me: Thanks. Being with my brother helps. He hardly leaves my side unless he has to go to work.
Olivia: I can imagine that was a lot for your family.
Krista: There is a BBQ next month. We would like you to come. You can bring your family if you want.
Me: I’ll ask them. They haven’t known the MC life; but after you guys saved me, I’m sure they are interested to get to know you guys.
Ella: Perfect. Cook is really good at making steak and chicken.
Sophie: Of course you would say that.
Me: I feel like there is a story in there somewhere.
Olivia: There sure is!
I laugh as I message back and forth with them feeling much lighter than I did earlier. They tell me about Ella and her crazy pregnancy cravings and it makes me smile because I can picture her acting that way.
I take the bear and set him on the end of the bed. I put on a chick flick and grab myself a snack. I decide to be a little silly and stick a small bowl of popcorn in between the bear’s legs and a small cup in his hand.
Laughing, I take a picture and make sure to get the movie in the background.
I look at the picture and can’t help but laugh.
I send the picture to Tyson before I know what I am doing.
Part of me doesn’t care if he thinks it’s silly.
The other part is worried he will think it’s childish and ignore me from now on.
It’s too late now since I had already sent it.
My phone pings with a text and I look to see what Tyson has said.
Tyson: It’s hard to believe that you are letting that poor bear suffer through whatever girly movie you are watching.
Me: He seems to enjoy it.
I can’t help but smile because at least he’s not mad or weirded out by me.
We don’t text after that and it’s fine because after talking to everyone, I feel better.
My mom walks in while I’m watching the movie. “Hey sweetie, I got some cream for you.” Her eyes soften on the bear and her lips tilt up into a smile when she sees how I arranged him.
I thank her for the cream, especially since all the scars have been itchy and I know that my mom has been looking online for some cream that could help.
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