“Julie, I'm sorry!” I pleaded, watching her face. It remained impassive, and unchanged. “I only want to help you,” I told her.
“Help me?” she said, laughing bitterly. “Helping me would be listening to what I want. Not going behind my back and doing whatever you and mom or dad think is best for me.”
I furrowed my brows, her words rubbing me the wrong way. They sounded an awful lot like she was ready to go, and that particular thought sent chills up my spine.
“Why don't you want my bone marrow? You looked happy when he said it, until you found out it was mine,” I asked her.
Julie stopped walking. I did too, and I watched her. She finally turned her face to me, and I saw a mixture of anger and sadness, and confusion. Julie looked ready to explode.
“What if they're right, and your bone marrow works. There's a chance that my body could reject it, and then that leaves us right back here,” she said, holding out her arms, as she shook her head. “And then, there's always the risk that you could get hurt, and I couldn't live with myself if something went wrong and something happened to you.”
“Nothing will happen to me,” I stressed to her, holding her hands instantly.
She shook her head. “That's not the only thing that scares me. I know you're probably going to hate me when I say this, but a part of me wonders if maybe things would just be easier if I was to stop trying and just die,” she replied, and she wouldn't meet my eyes this time.
It was probably just as well, because her words felt like arrows shooting straight through my chest, where I would have placed my soul. The pain was terrible.
“Easier?” I questioned. “For who? Me? Because without you here, I'm nothing, Julie. Just an empty shell, and you know that,” I told her. I wished I could have erased the anger in my voice, but that was impossible. Her words pushed me over the edge.
“And you don't feel selfish for wanting to keep me here because you'll be nothing?” she asked.
“No, I don't. I love you, and I think you're being selfish for wanting to leave so badly,” I told her, releasing her hands.
Julie was crying again, but it was out of frustration. She was torn. “I'm tired, Falon. I'm tired of the pain, and hurting people that I love. I'm just delaying the inevitable, and if I could just die, then everyone wouldn't hurt so bad, because eventually you would move on,” she told me. Her voice came out in pathetic whimpers, and gasps.
But I was angry, because everything she said both hurt and infuriated me. “Move on? I would never be able to just move on if you weren't here,” I told her.
Julie sat down on the curb of the sidewalk. The sound of the cars passing us buzzed in my ears, but they were already hearing sounds magnified. I thought I could hear every organ of mine pumping and pulsing in my ears.
“With the transplant, there is a chance we will never have to deal with this again. It could all be over, Julie,” I told her.
“What makes you think I even deserve that?” she asked, looking up. Her cheeks and eyes were still wet, but an eerie calm had also washed over her.
“Why wouldn't you?” I asked.
She shrugged, shaking her head. “I survived. I got cancer, and I lived. And then I got cancer again, and I made it through that too. And then you came along, and everything made sense, and life was perfect, and then that stupid disease comes back, and this time, I have real reasons for why I don't want to die. But then, I also think that life can't get any better than it is when I'm with you,” she said, looking at me.
Her green eyes, were scared, and they were here, staring at me in pain. “What if I'm asking for more than I'm suppose to have? I can honestly tell you, and it might hurt you but it's the truth, that if I was to die, I wouldn't regret anything. Having you in my life has made everything that much harder,” she told me.
I found myself kneeling down. I sat down on the curb with her and I took her hand in mine. Her words did hurt, because they were true.
“You can't just give up though. I know it's hard for you, but there's still so much you haven't done with your life,” I told her, and I saw a ghost of a smile cross her face.
“Worried about my virginity?” she asked.
“No! I'm worried about mine!” I told her immediately, and she started laughing. “What desperate girl will I find to sleep with me if you're not here?” I asked, and basked in the sound of her laugh.
“So, now I'm desperate?”
“If you resorted to being my girlfriend, you are.”
She smiled, and bit her lip. For a moment, she was quiet. Then, she softly shrugged. “That's the first time you called me your girlfriend,” she replied.
I shrugged. “I think it's kind of more serious than that, Julie. One day, I want you to be my fiance, and then my wife. And after that, I want to make little red headed babies with you, and get a couple dogs and a cat, and grow old with you,” I told her.
Julie gave me a look that was somewhere between amused, and a glare. “Now you're trying to make me feel bad,” she replied.
I shook my head, and only because I was now seeing her, the way way she was seeing things. “No, I'm just being honest about what I want. I would love nothing more than to get in
