“You're scared,” I told her.
“Uh, duh,” she countered, smiling sadly.
I laughed and rubbed my thumbs over the tops of her hands. “You said you were okay with dying, but I don't think you were being too honest. That's why you're scared,” I told her.
Julie met my eyes. “I just don't want to keep going through this. Guys aren't suppose to make out with their girlfriends and pull out clumps of her hair,” she said.
She was still trying to keep things light, and teasing, but we both knew that it was rare when things were that way anymore. It had become almost as unseen as the Lochness Monster.
“That doesn't bother me. I love you. I'd love you even if you looked like I do,” I told her.
Julie was smiling softly, and she reached forward to touch my face. I could feel her tracing my burns with her fingers, lightly caressing them the way she would have if it were plain skin.
“You're beautiful,” she told me. There was a serene look that crossed her face. “I could never love anyone the way I love you,” she then said, and the statement hurt.
It hurt because she was still willing to allow her cancer to kill her. It hurt because it was the exact same way that I felt about her. No one would ever come close. No love would ever be good enough from this moment on.
But, this wasn't the time to start the argument all over again. This was the time to be strong for her, and be fearless.
“So are you, whether you have hair, or not,” I told her. “I'll love you even if you have to wear a bubblegum toupee.”
She laughed, and ran her palm over my head. “I just don't want to let it take it from me, you know? I'm just tired of my cancer taking everything from me,” she said, then shrugged. “I just wish cancer would get cancer and die.”
I smiled, but a thought hit me, and I told her to wait a moment. I had to search the bathroom, but beneath the sink, it was still there. I grabbed the black, plastic box, and went back into the living room.
Sitting beside her. Julie stared at it with confusion, until I opened it. I saw her gasp softly, as if the idea suddenly made perfect sense, and I had presented a miracle to her.
“Let's not allow it to take it from you. Let me,” I told her.
Julie looked up, and her eyes were wet as she leaned forward and kissed me. It was one of those kisses that hold no sexual tension, only love. The kind an old man gives his old wife after fifty years of marriage.
“Do it,” she said, and in those two simple words, we went into the kitchen, and I began shaving her hair. We both watched in silence as each red strand fell to the floor, and not because the cancer had taken it from her. We watched as we took back the control, and cancer didn't win.
And when I was done, and Julie turned around, her head nearly smooth, just skin, my chest tightened. I saw the streaks that her tears had left, but I saw the fire too. She was burning inside with fight, and she wasn't down for the count yet.
“Still love me?” she asked, running her hand over her skin. She did so in a way that made me think she was nervous. The way I felt when I wanted to know Julie wasn't scared of my burns. The way you want the person you're in love with be okay with your faults, but are worried they won't.
“Forever, Julie.”
♥
We had cleaned up the hair and clippers by the time Ava got home, but she still looked at us with surprise when she walked in. She stared at Julie, and then she smiled.
“You're beautiful,” she told her, and I watched the tear slide down her face. Ava was real emotional like that.
Julie smiled, and she cuddled closer to me. “So I've been told,” she replied, looking up at me.
“It's the truth.”
Ava smiled, and she set her purse down. “I don't know if you wear them, but if you need hats, or scarves, I have plenty,” she told us.
I nodded, rolling my eyes. “Ava has a hat obsession, but she never wears them She just stares at them and puts them on every so often, then takes them off and hides them in the closet,” I told her.
The glare Ava shot me was well deserved. “Says the guy that collects coins. At least my collection is fashionable,” she replied.
“You collect coins?” Julie asked.
I shrugged slightly. “I think their cool. You should see the Buffalo nickels I have,” I told her, and knew the sound of geekiness in my voice by the look of amusement in hers.
“I didn't know I was dating a real nerd,” she said, and Ava started laughing. The glare I shot her was deserved too. “I wouldn't mind a scarf though, if you can let go of one,” she replied.
Ava looked happy. “Of course. Come on,” she said, beckoning Julie to her room. Julie left behind her and I heard them laughing in the other room. Before that, I was going to just wait, but knowing my sister could be telling Julie hugely embarrassing stories about me, I got up and stood in the doorway.
Julie put on the black fedora my sister had tossed out, and she turned to me with a debonair smile. “Don't I just look fancy?” she asked.
I laughed. “Very. You look like an assassin,” I told her.
Julie nodded, and then finger shot me. I feigned injuries as Julie
