She smiled at that, and I felt her squeezing my hand. “I wonder if you would have said any of that if I was still healthy,” she replied.
I nodded, looking shocked. “Of course I would. When we were old and dying, holding hands in a nursing home-”
“We're not living the Notebook,” she replied, then laughed slightly.
“Okay, when we're old and headed for a spaceship so we can live forever with the alien people,” I replied.
She actually looked confused. “What?”
“Cocoon? Don't tell me you've never watched Cocoon?” I replied.
Slowly, she shook her head.
I scoffed, shaking my head disapprovingly at her. “For someone who says she has watched all the best movies, you've never seen Cocoon? We're watching it tonight. My house, six o'clock, me, you, and the TV,” I told her.
Julie laughed as she leaned up against me. “I think I'd actually like that. Our house gets depressing lately,” she replied.
I knew why. It was lacking brightness now that the brightness was sick. That, and she was always in her room.
“If you're feeling okay, why don't you go to the hospital tomorrow with Liam and I? You can just hang out, and we'll do everything,” I told her.
Julie nodded. “I'd like that. And you can buy me an Icee before you take me home,” she replied.
“Deal.”
♥
When we got back to the parking lot, Julie's mom was waiting, and she looked nervous until Julie grabbed her in a hug. I saw her sigh in relief, but even she knew I hadn't convince Julie to go through with the transplant.
So, she would continue chemo and radiation. Julie agreed to that, but I knew the thought going through her head. She would do it, but it wouldn't help.
I went home after we got back so Julie could sleep. She texted me when I got home, while I was cleaning, and asked if I thought Ava would be okay with her spending the night.
One phone call, and two hours later, I was driving to Julie's house to pick her and an overnight bag up.
“If you're going to have sex-”
“Ava, Julie's waiting till marriage,” I told her quickly.
Ava considered it, and then shrugged. “Yeah, I think she will. Never mind,” she replied. I didn't take the 'not worried' attitude as an insult. It was perfectly fine by me.
Julie rode beside me, happier than I had seen her in a while. Since before the diagnoses. She was bright, and cheerful, and she wasn't acting sick, and I wanted to remain this way forever.
When we got home, I ordered pizza, and Julie and I sat in front of the TV and watched Cocoon (which Julie found both sad and funny) and then we turned on The Breakfast Club, because Julie was obsessed with Molly Ringwald.
But we didn't really watched it, Julie and I spent most of the time talking, and laughing, and that resulted to us kissing. The kissing resulted to Julie laying against the arm of the chair, and me over her.
It was probably the most promiscuous of positions we had ever gotten ourselves into. It didn't really go through my mind that Ava could walk in and go crazy, because I was so focused on Julie.
Also, knowing that it wouldn't go any farther, I knew when to stop, and if I didn't, Julie did. Nothing was going to happen between us, and that was fine. Kissing her, and holding her was enough.
But there was something different about the way Julie kissed me. The way her hands were feeling along my back, beneath my shirt, how her fingertips were leaving static trails everywhere they touched.
I wasn't sure about her self-control, but she was making me lose mine.
And then, just as fast as our innocent kissing had turned into that faded grayness between sensual and sexual, it all stopped. I opened my eyes, and moved my face a few inches above hers.
Julie looked at me, for a moment, confused. She was confused over why I had stopped, and then it seemed to hit her about what we had been doing, and then, her eyes followed mine. Her face changed to the hurt and pain I knew it would.
In my hand, I held a small clump of her hair.
“I bet that's a first,” Julie said, and suddenly, she was scrambling to get out from under me. She was desperate to move, and she was embarrassed. Most of all, she was in pain, and I knew if I let her go, I might not get her back.
“Julie, stop,” I told her. I moved enough so she could sit up, but I didn't allow her to leave. I couldn't.
She looked at me, and then she shook her head. “I'm sorry. It's the treatments. They always-”
“I know, and it's okay. It's just hair,” I told her.
Julie covered her face, and she breathed in deeply. “I don't know why I'm acting like this. This isn't the first time. You'd think I'd be an expert in the cancer area by now,” she said.
I took her hands in mine, and moved them from her face. She was trying her best not to cry. She had been crying so much lately, I knew she was trying to get a grip on herself, but her tears weren't something to keep in. They didn't make her weak.
An amazing girl once read me a quote from
