And none of that mattered. Because Julie was the one that was really dying, not me. And it was selfish for me to want her to stay when she was ready to go.
Love wasn't suppose to be selfish.
It wasn't suppose to be cruel either, but it had been lately.
I would have given anything for her to change her mind. The Lord knew that. I would give everything for Julie to look at me and say she wanted to go through with the procedure, that she was ready. Anything and everything.
“I really hate you, I hope you know that,” Liam said as he pulled away, and Julie laughed softly. Hilary and I just stood there, but I knew she was glad they weren't yelling any more as much as I was.
“You always have,” she replied.
He shrugged, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, but I hate you more now than I did then,” he replied.
“I'll just have to live with that,” she said.
I wished I could just live with it.
♥
We all went into the junior store across the street when we left and bought Icees, but I knew I was in a sour mood now.
I wasn't sure why it bothered me so much. Why the simple conversation could make me so mad all over again. Just when I had thought I was okay with it, or that I could accept it, I realized I was wrong.
I couldn't accept her dying. I couldn't.
But I wasn't suppose to say that. I was suppose to be supportive and keep Julie happy because she was the one that was sick.
And I was angry. It didn't take hundreds of dollars in therapy for me to say that. I was angry, and livid, and enraged, and furious, and every other synonym for being angry.
I didn't want to be that way, but I felt it nonetheless. I wanted to be that good guy that stuck by her side, and accepted it, but I couldn't. I couldn't just accept her dying!
I did my best to put on a happy face and be okay, but I think Julie knew something was wrong. She just didn't want to bring it up, just like I didn't. She didn't want to fight, not now, not ever.
So we kept quiet, and we pushed on. Rather than succumb to arguing again, we bit our tongue, and we moved on.
Because that's all we could do.
Move on.
♥
We didn't fight. We simply didn't talk about it. We just kept moving forward, but we both knew something was wrong.
I could hold Julie without ever touching her. We would do this for hours. I could sit there with her in my arms without ever truly holding her. She could kiss me without really kissing me.
Addressing it meant arguing. You didn't argue with people that you knew were dying. Too many risks.
So, we kept our mouths shut and kept moving on.
Because sometimes, that's all you can do.
♥
And then, two things happened. Moving on and moving forward stopped in its tracks and did a U turn. We started moving backwards, and then stopped moving at all.
It started with the doctor's appointment. This was the one where Julie had to go through some blood tests, and such, to see how everything was going, and if the chemo and radiation were having any effect.
Dr. Abraham Lincoln came in, and when he sat down, Julie tensed against my hand. We both knew the results wouldn't be good, but it affected her all the same.
“It's not working,” he said, his voice cold.
I thought Julie's mom might pass out, but she kept it together. She was dangerously pale, but Julie was completely without color. I thought she might vomit.
“How long?” she asked. Her hand was tight in mine, squeezing all feeling from the veins. My fingers were numb and purple.
He sighed, and looked at his folders. He didn't look in them, because he had already anticipated the question. As a doctor giving bad news, he had to know it was coming.
“Four months. Unless you get a transplant-”
“Four months,” she said, cutting him off. “That's it? Four months?” she asked, the grip on me loosening.
He nodded. “That's just a guess too. It could be more time, or it could be less,” he replied.
“There's no sense in continuing the chemo if it's not working, right?”
He shook his head 'no'.
Julie nodded, and she stood. “Okay. Thanks,” she said. She looked to me, and I knew what that look meant. “You ready to go?” she asked me, her voice void of any emotion.
I nodded. “Yeah,” I replied. I didn't know what else to say.
I felt like I had said it all before.
♥
Julie's mom left us, after having a conversation with Julie that obviously affected her more than she wanted. I just stood by my truck, and watched her mom seem to break down, and Julie stand ridged. When her mom left, it was without a hug, or a goodbye, and Julie stood in her spot for a long time.
When she turned around, and came to the truck, she said nothing. She got in the passenger seat, buckled up and waited for me. The look on her face reminded me of that emotionless robot look she had kept in the doctor's office.
I got in the truck, buckling myself up and then leaving. I knew it was her house she wanted me to take her to.
“Are you going to yell at me
