“Come sit down, Suna,” I said and patted her bed. She sat down next to me and I began to towel her hair dry. It had been a while since we had actually spent time together alone like this. The comfort of her presence, the ease of being together. Could I really leave her?
“Uhn-nee.”
“Yes, Suna.”
“Are you going to miss Ysrael?”
“Yes.”
“Do you love him?”
I paused, then answered. “Yes.”
“Then why is he leaving?”
I kept toweling her hair dry, keeping her back to me so that she wouldn’t see the tears.
“He wants to find his own life. He wants to go to school and make music.”
“And he can’t do that here?”
I combed my fingers through her hair, gently working out a large tangle. “He doesn’t think so. El Cajon isn’t much of a city compared to San Francisco. There’s a lot more to do and see in a big city like that. Just a lot more opportunity.”
Suna remained silent as I finished with her hair. She turned around as I stood up.
“Do you wish you could go with him?” she asked.
I blinked. My heart spoke before I had a chance to think.
“Yes.”
I waited until Suna was asleep, her breathing slow and steady, before listening to Ysrael’s song. I sat up and put the headphones on. A soft guitar melody, the one that I remembered hearing him play at the beach, only now it was more purposeful, more complete. He had just been creating it back then. I drew up my legs and wrapped my arms around them, rested my chin on my knee. Ysrael began to sing to me.
I can see a little bit of your face
In those stars
I can hear a little bit of your voice
In the rustling trees
I can taste a little bit of your lips
On my lips
Am I going mad?
Walking past the car
Keys in my hand
Looking up at strangers
Did you call my name?
Find me some words
Find me a phrase
A book that explains
All this away
’Cause I don’t know how . . .
I can hear a little bit of your charm
In my laugh
I can feel a little bit of your touch
In my grasp
I can hold a little bit of your hope
In my dreams
Am I going mad?
Walking past the car
Keys in my hand
Looking up at strangers
Did you call my name?
Find me some words
Find me a phrase
A book that explains
All this away
’Cause I don’t know how . . .
I’ve spent my days
Searching
For a home that surrounds
Eases the soul
All this time
All this wandering
For a place
Four walls, a roof, a porch that creaks with the weight
When
All I needed was
You
I found the words
I found a phrase
It’s not a book that explains
The way
The way
I can feel a little bit of your heart
In my heart
I can hold a little bit of your love
In my love
My love.
suna
SUNA JOLTS AWAKE. Her first thought is that Mina has left. Has gone to be with Ysrael. She rolls over onto her side, her eyes immediately landing on the sleeping huddled form of her sister. Even in the predawn filtered light, Suna knows that familiar shape. The sound of her breathing. All her life, Suna has looked to Mina like a sailor that navigates by the stars. She cannot remember a time when Mina was not there.
Suna adjusts her pillow and then notices the cover of a tape on the floor. She gets out of bed. The black scrawl on the tape cover, the handwriting does not look familiar. It does not belong to Mina and yet her name is written across the front as though it was the name of the album. Suna turns over the empty case in her hands and notices some more writing on the inside cover: 11:00 a.m. Bus #473.
A chill, like a drop of cold water, rolls down the base of her neck. She turns the case over and finds his name along the spine of the cover. Ysrael. Suna sits down on her bed, presses the tape cover to her lips. Her breathing comes in rapid pants. Suna grips the tape and stares at Mina’s sleeping face. In a single moment, Suna realizes that she is losing both of them. Ysrael and Mina. Mina and Ysrael. The darkness rushes into her body, invades her thoughts, reaches into her heart until she feels herself growing cold. She will hold on to the one she loves best.
She steps out of the room without a sound. Walks down the hall to her parents’ room and opens the door. Suna places the tape in Uhmma’s sleeping hand.
mina
MORNING. I BOLTED UP and reached out for the watch that I had placed on the windowsill before falling asleep last night. Still not too late. I sat on the edge of my bed and thought about what to do. Every part of me wanted to go to Ysrael. I could picture him packing, getting ready to head out to the bus station. I never expected Ysrael’s absence to feel so much like physical pain. It hurt to think about him being so far away. And as much as I wanted to believe that we could be together again after I finished school, I knew the chances diminished each day we were apart. I would not lose him.
We could do this. I was going to leave anyway, it would just be a year earlier. I would finish school up there and look into some colleges, maybe even the music school. And when I was finally away from here, from Uhmma, I would tell her the truth. Slowly repay all the money I had stolen. I glanced over at Suna’s empty bed and then turned to look out the window. The city was wrapped in a coat of mist, an early-morning drizzle that darkened the buildings.
I got out of bed and quickly began to gather a few things. Some clothes, a few favorite CDs and my player. I reached into the back of a dresser drawer and pulled
