Uhmma stood in the kitchen.
“Hi, Uhmma,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. What was she doing home? I looked around. Suna was awake. She was sitting on the couch, still in her pajamas.
Uhmma stepped quickly out from behind the kitchen counter. She held up the tape cover.
What is this? she asked.
I pretended I had no idea what she was talking about. How had she found the tape cover? Had she come into the room when I had been sleeping? How could I have been so careless to leave that out? I don’t know. Just a tape cover.
She narrowed her eyes and stepped closer to me. This, she said. This has your name on it. And that boy’s name. That boy who stole from us. I can read. I can see that he gave this to you.
He wanted me to listen to it.
Uhmma opened the cover and asked, Why does it have the time and a bus number? What were you planning?
Nothing, I protested.
Do not lie to me! Uhmma yelled.
I looked down at the floor.
Suna, Uhmma said. Where was your sister last night?
I glanced over at Suna. She was sitting on her hands, quickly biting her lower lip. She had taken out her hearing aid.
Uhmma yelled, Suna!
Suna jumped.
Uhmma waved the tape cover at her. Where did you get this? she yelled.
Suna kept rocking back and forth, shaking her head.
I closed my eyes. Suna. Suna had given Uhmma the tape. Why? Why had Suna betrayed me? All the hope that I had felt just moments before evaporated. Fatigue overwhelmed my body. I was so tired. So tired of trying to hold everything together. I dropped my backpack.
Suna was crying, her head still shaking back and forth. “Uhn-nee, I’m sorry. Don’t go. Please.”
Uhmma shook the tape cover in my face. What has been going on, she shouted. You have been seeing that boy. You have been lying to me, Uhmma cried. Her face was pale and white, spit at the corners of her lips. She raised her hand to slap me but then stopped. She paced the room.
Apa walked into the room, one hand on his back, his steps slow and uneven.
Yah, he said, what is all this yelling?
Uhmma ignored him. She waved her hands at me. What are you thinking? Uhmma asked. You were going to throw away your whole future on that boy. That trash. I will not let you. I will not let you throw away your life like I had to throw away mine.
Shut up, I yelled. It’s not true. Just stop it! You have no idea what you are talking about. He’s honest. And he’s good.
Uhmma pushed me. Go to your room.
Apa stepped toward Uhmma. Yuhbow, he said. Calm down. Let us try and talk.
Uhmma turned to him and yelled, Stop. You have nothing to say here. This is my daughter.
Apa turned his head away.
Uhmma turned back to me and said, Go to your room. Go there until I say you can come out. You are not leaving my sight.
No. I stood my ground. I am sick of having to live your life. You never wanted me or Suna.
I never wanted you, Uhmma said, her eyes pinching at the corners. She raised her head and stared at the discolored ceiling of the apartment. She closed her eyes. She spoke in a controlled hiss. You think I wanted this life? I did this all for you. Uhmma wrung her hands, her voice escalating into a yell. My life. My life. Why do you think I married Suna’s father? Why? Because I wanted to live this way? You would have had no life if I had not sacrificed. You would have been an orphan.
Uhmma screamed, I threw away everything to keep you. And this is how you treat me. All this work so that you can turn into some common whore.
STOP! Apa said. He stepped forward. That is enough. Do not force your past on her.
Uhmma dropped her face into her hands.
In that moment, I grabbed my backpack and ran for the door. Down the stairs, across the parking lot. I ran from Uhmma’s ghosts. I could hear Uhmma calling after me, Mina. Mina!
I kept running, down the street, across the intersection. I ran until my breath came in hard knots and I had to lean forward. Ysrael. I had to get to Ysrael. I would just leave my past behind. Step into another world. A sense of release. A lightness of being. I straightened up and continued walking.
The rain plastered my clothes to my body, the cold soaking into my skin. The truth making me shiver. What I had sensed so many years ago was true. My father. My history. Suna’s history. All lies. So many lies. I started to cry. Why had Suna given Uhmma the tape? Her betrayal cut at the invisible ties that bound me to one life and not the other. To one person and not the other.
And yet. Each step. Each footfall toward my future rang with regret. For Suna. I thought of her crying, begging me not to go. Oh, Suna. I wiped the rain from my face. Why? Were you afraid I would leave you? I stopped, my vision blurred by the tears streaming down my face with the rain. I imagined her in our room, sitting on the bed, her blank face staring out the window. How much had she heard? How much did she already know? Feel? The truth about our lives, our fathers. What would the knowledge do to her?
In the highest reaches of the sky, the sun peeked out for a minute. Sharp rays of light caught up the raindrops and shaped them into jewels. I raised my face to the warmth, to the sprinkles that kissed my cheeks like liquid sun. I
