Derek’s mouth forms into a thin line. “I want to say yes, but I really don’t know. I loved Meghan and I was so hell-bent on proving I loved her, then we got married.”
“And she was pregnant.”
He nods with a laugh. “Yeah, there was that. Were you angry?”
I shake my head. “I couldn’t be. You were doing the right thing by marrying her, where Keith was doing the opposite. Besides”—I smile and nudge him—“Derek Hartz is a good man who would always be the kind of man who married the girl he loved and knocked up.”
“Great. That’s what you think of me.”
“It was never a bad thing. I just was afraid that things were going to change even more than my life was already spiraling out of my control. I had hoped and prayed that I could have you at least as a friend. I would find a way, I knew I would, but I needed you.”
And he left me anyway.
“Do you think, in some way, it was what we needed?”
“Is there really a right answer to that?”
He shakes his head. “No. Probably not.”
“On one hand, we were so young and I was…not ready for a real relationship, being pregnant when I felt like my life had imploded, so who knows if we would’ve made it? On the other hand, I would’ve liked to have tried.”
Derek leans his arms behind him, looking up at the sky. “I think I had to lose you.”
I wait for him to elaborate and when he doesn’t, I decide to push. “You what?”
“I know it sounds crazy, but you were…you. You were Teagan, my Teagan. Even when you were with Keith, I knew we weren’t really like that. I had this ridiculous delusion as to what our lives would be and I was so fucked in the head that when that vision was shattered because you wouldn’t leave him, I rebelled. I knew that you would never love me, at least that’s what I convinced myself of. By the time I got my head out of my ass, it was too late. I was married with a baby on the way. I had done permanent damage and continued to destroy everything.” He sits back up and his voice is a little broken. “I didn’t deserve you then. I’m not sure that I do now either, but I know that I would like to try.”
Now it’s my turn to stay silent. All of this feels like too much. Tonight was meant to be a date and now we’re deep into talking about the past and what we could have in the future. I never expected that there even could be a future.
I’ve spent so much of the last decade telling myself this would never happen. None of it. I would never see Derek again, talk to him, and then I stopped allowing him to enter my mind. I focused on being the best mom I could for Chastity. Everything I’ve done has been for her.
Now, I’m at this bizarre crossroads and there are so many more potholes and construction signs up. There’s Chastity, my family, his family, Everly, the fact that our past is murky, and I don’t need murky.
I need clear.
I need to feel secure because for so long, I haven’t been.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks.
“Us. What any of this means and if we’re still stupid kids trying to fulfill some destiny we defined.”
There’s no point in lying, and it’s better if we get this stuff out now so I can move on with my life and stop driving myself crazy.
“Me too.”
I tilt my head toward him. “Well, that’s not all that comforting.”
Derek sighs and sits forward. “What can I say? We’re both a little gun-shy and for good reason. I broke your heart when I stopped talking to you, and you were always between Meghan and me even after I did that. It wasn’t your fault, but in some ways, I’ve been in a relationship with you for years.”
“Why did you stay? Why didn’t you find a way to talk to me?”
His head drops and I know this is probably the last thing he wants to talk about. “I loved her, in my own way. She gave me Everly, and for that, I wanted to try. After a while, it was just what I thought I needed to do. She worked a lot, so did I, and we became…roommates. Also, God, this is going to sound bad,” Derek warns. “I knew if I saw you again, I’d struggle with the idea of staying with Meghan and forgoing all I was doing for Everly. If you were single, that would’ve been all I needed to know and I would’ve left my wife.”
My heart stops and everything around me turns hazy. All of my life I’ve wanted to hear that from him, and it’s bittersweet in every way.
“I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.”
The breath escapes his nose and he leans back in the sand again. “I would go with both because it’s pretty pathetic and also a little romantic.”
I don’t know what he finds to be romantic about spending years married to someone who he wasn’t really a husband to because he was too chicken, but I’ll let him have this one.
“Did you buy the house?” I ask, switching topics to something safer.
He laughs. “I told you I was going to put an offer in.”
“Are you trying to torment me?”
“Not in the least.”
That’s what he’s doing by loving that damn house. “Why do you want it then?”
Derek turns toward me, his expression is serious, and I feel like this is one of those moments I should pay attention to. “Because you like it.”
“That doesn’t make sense! Clearly, you want to torture me by making me know that you now own my house.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Tea. It makes perfect sense. If you felt that way, standing there, then there’s a reason. I don’t have to know what it is or why. Whenever
