Years ago, Declan was easy with a smile and a laugh. It seems that time has made him less of the boy I knew and more of the man I no longer recognize.
He’s always been strong but never with this armor that nothing other than an eight-year-old could penetrate, especially not me.
I was once the exception, now it’s as though it’s physically painful to look at me.
Ellie releases me and then Connor pulls her to his side. “I’ve been dying to tell you. But we also wanted you guys at dinner to ask if you’d stand up with us?”
I cover my mouth and nod as tears fall without hesitation. “I would be honored.”
Connor and Declan share some weird brother hand clap, and then it’s my turn to pounce on Connor.
“I’m so happy for you. So, so, happy it’s not even normal,” I tell him quietly.
“I am too, Syd. I didn’t think I would ever find someone like Ellie. I still don’t deserve her.”
I smile, loving that he feels that way. Not because he doesn’t deserve her, which is the furthest thing from the truth, but because it shows how much he wants to be good for her. “You deserve her, if for no other reason than because you don’t believe you do. You’ve cherished Ellie, protected her, and been the man I’ve always known you to be, and that’s why you both are perfect for each other.”
He pulls back to assess me in a strange way. “You deserve happiness too. Even if you and Declan never get your heads out of your asses, you shouldn’t give up on being happy.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
The question makes my heart sink. “I think I do.”
His gaze shifts to where his older brother is deep in conversation with Ellie. “You know, I never wanted to be alone for the rest of my life. I’d resigned myself to it, sure, but I had a different vision. I never knew a love like you and Dec had, and it was something that Jacob, Sean, and I were always jealous of. To meet the person who was your other half when you were just kids. But, Declan, he hardened himself when he walked away from you. He put up a wall so high I’m not sure anyone can scale it. He won’t even entertain the idea of wanting what I have now.” Connor’s lips purse and then he shakes his head. “I’m just saying that some of us can’t undo what we’ve done.”
Declan may not want a family, but he isn’t going to have a choice in about seven months.
“Good thing I have no intention of becoming a climber,” I say, knowing I have rope and an axe, and am preparing to start my ascent, hoping I don’t break when I fall.
Chapter Seven
Declan
Married and a baby. Jesus, could he have at least waited a bit? I know he loves Ellie, and it’s clear they’re great for each other, but it seems so damn fast.
“You can wipe that look off your face,” Connor says as he hands me a beer. “No one is asking you to follow in my footsteps.”
I take the bottle and raise the neck to his. “Here’s to that.”
“What?”
“That I won’t be following in your footsteps.”
He chuckles once and then takes a long pull from the beer. After releasing a deep breath, he goes silent for a few moments. We sit on the porch of the house that holds such a fucking host of memories. Some good, some bad, some I would give anything to forget.
“You know we’re nothing like him, right?”
The question causes me to sit straighter. “Who?”
“Dad. We’re nothing like him. We’re not cruel, heartless—well, you might be heartless, I’ve yet to figure that out.”
“Funny.”
Connor shrugs. “I’m just saying that the vow we all made was meant to protect not only us but also the women we might have loved and kids we may have fathered. I have never raised my fists in anger, not even if I drank too much. We are nothing like him.”
He can’t know that. He might be nothing like him, but I’m not so sure. I get angry. I’ve wanted to throw someone through a wall, and that scared me more than anything. I never did it, but I’ve seen rage.
“I’ll never take the chance.”
“So, you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone and pissed off?”
“No,” I say quickly. “I’ll be rich, happy, uncomplicated, and still worrying about my three brothers and their shitty life choices.”
I glance through the window, seeing Sydney and Ellie laughing about something, and my chest tightens. Why does seeing her hurt so fucking much? After all this time, I would’ve hoped to be over her, but then how do you really get over losing the only thing you ever wanted?
She’s beautiful, even more so than she was when we were teenagers. Her hair falls in waves down to the middle of her back, and her blue eyes are even brighter than I remembered. I would give anything to go back in time and have her the way I used to.
Sydney was free in her love. She didn’t hold back or make me work for it. She gave it away. I wasn’t worthy of it, but God, I took all of it.
“She could forgive you, you know?” Connor says as he notices where my eyes landed.
“No.”
“You could also forgive yourself, but we both know that’s not going to happen.”
“When did you become a fucking shrink?” I toss back at him, wanting to stop this conversation.
He laughs and then drains his beer. “You know, I know you’re the older one and supposed to be wiser, but you’re the dumb one.”
I get to my feet, glaring at my younger brother. “Dumb? I’m dumb? I’m the one who saved your ass over and over again. I’m the one who doesn’t have anything in the world I’m
