“And you think that makes you better? I’ll tell you, Dec, there’s nothing in this life like having someone by your side and kids. Nothing. We’re not the sins of our past, but we spent eight years living there.”
He’s unreal. He finds Ellie and suddenly thinks all of us can just go back to a life we were never meant to have? It isn’t that easy. Eight years ago, I gave up everything for them. I walked away from Sydney to protect not only my brothers but also her.
I knew I could never stay here. I don’t want a farm life or anything like this. Maybe if I hadn’t spent time in New York, I could’ve found a way, but when I went to college, I changed. I saw the world was ripe with possibilities, ones that didn’t have shit to do with cows and land. I found that I was smart and could run a business without anyone’s fucking help.
I did it all.
There are too many nights I work late. Too many weeks where I’m inundated with fires I need to put out, and I never could have handled any of that if I were with her.
So, walking away from her was the hardest thing I ever did as well as the most selfless.
And I’d do it every time.
Loving her would only bring her pain, and I would cut my fucking arm off before I ever let that happen again.
“You act as though this is all so easy, Connor. Some of us made decisions that night that can’t be undone.”
“And I think Ellie and I understand that more than most.”
I let my head fall back and stare at the night sky. He’s right. God, everything has been such a mess, and I’m tired of it. “Do you remember when life was easy?”
“I remember when Mom was alive, but after that …”
“It definitely wasn’t easy.”
It’s sad to see how one instant can alter the trajectory of a life. I had plans, even at eleven years old. I was going to be just like my dad. I wanted to run this farm, live here and raise a family, have it all, just like my parents.
Then she died, and the dream disappeared.
“Being here, it’s fucking horrible. I thought since I’ve been back a few times that it wouldn’t be this hard.”
Connor’s hand rests on my shoulder. “I know it better than anyone. It isn’t easy and you feel like you’re crawling out of your skin.”
“Does it get easier?” I ask him.
“Yes and no. Some days, I swear I can hear him yelling and can remember the feeling before his fist hit my face. Memories and nightmares lurk in every corner of this place.”
I turn my head back to the house, seeing the girls and Hadley dancing around the living room. “But they were never the nightmare.”
Connor looks over with a gentle smile. “No, they’re the light that shines when you open your eyes and realize you’re not in that hell anymore.”
“The first time Dad ever hit me, I went to Syd’s. She brought me into her house, put ice on my eye, and gave me some milk with cookies. I remember thinking, this is the girl I want to marry.” I laugh once. “I loved her more than anything and I still believe that leaving her was the right thing to do.”
“But?” Connor asks.
“But being back here, seeing her, it’s going to be agony.”
Connor places his beer down and sighs deeply. “You being stubborn is what is agony. Tell her the truth, Dec. Let her know all the stupid shit and the hurt we went through. Don’t lie to her anymore and stop pretending that you don’t love her and want her.”
Wanting her and having her are two totally different things. It’s not just about the promise we made, it’s about knowing that this isn’t the right life for us. She needs someone who is whole and willing to give his heart without reservations and a man who will stay. That man is not me.
“I will never love anyone enough to want to marry them. I will never have the life you have, and there’s nothing about it that makes me sad. I like being single. I like not having to worry about anyone or anything. The fucking idea of being strapped with some kid is enough to make me want to hurl myself off a cliff. I will never be a father, and I make damn sure of that because it’s the last thing I want. So, I’m happy that it’s your dream, brother, because it’s my fucking nightmare.”
I hear a gasp, and when I look at the door, Sydney is there, having heard every goddamn word of the lie I told.
Chapter Eight
Sydney
“Syd, wait,” Declan says as I’m trying to make my way to the car.
“Why?”
There’s no point. He made it abundantly clear that having a wife and kids was a nightmare to him. I’m not stupid enough to misunderstand that.
“The fucking idea of being strapped with some kid is enough to make me want to hurl myself off a cliff.”
Well, the cliff is right there buddy, so get ready to jump.
“Because what I said came out wrong.”
That pulls me up short. I turn, and he skids to a stop with apprehension clear in his beautiful green eyes. “What came out wrong?”
“The whole thing.”
“So, you want to love someone enough to marry them? I mean … clearly, you didn’t love me enough, and you let me know as much, but I’m just clarifying for the future women you may meet.”
Declan sighs. “I’m never getting married.”
“Okay,” I say very matter-of-factly. “Did I misunderstand that you wanted kids then?”
“No.”
One single word. One word that is so clear and unmistakable that it rocks me to my core.
“No wife. No kids. No Sugarloaf. What exactly am I misunderstanding?”
His hand grips the back of his neck, and he starts to pace. “It wasn’t the words or the meaning, it was how
