“Ms. Hastings?” A nurse calls my name.
“Yes.” I stand and shove my phone into my bag.
I may feel like falling to the ground and crying, but I won’t. Today is the day I get to see my baby. I’ll hear his or her heartbeat and, hopefully, find out if it’s a girl or boy. I may be alone, but I’m strong enough to do this.
“Right this way,” she says and extends her arm. “I’m Jenna, and I’ll be with you through the ultrasound. I need you to go in here and get changed. Once you’re ready, go through that door.”
I nod, knowing I can’t speak yet. I may feel determined, but I’m shattered at the same time. This is not the Declan I know. He wouldn’t do this to me. He wouldn’t abandon a child either.
I’m livid, and I will never forgive him for this.
Letting another deep breath out through my mouth, I close my eyes and try to push all of it from my heart.
But it hurts.
It hurts so much that it’s hard to breathe.
How can I love him while he’s so willing to break my heart like this? Why can I not let him go like he’s done to me?
Another tear slides down my face as I stand in this empty room and strip down. I focus on the mundane things like folding my clothing neatly. I slip the robe on and shiver. I feel cold, numb, angry, and disappointed.
I gave him a final chance to choose me, and there is no clearer answer than him not showing up today.
I step through the door and force a smile onto my lips.
“Are you ready to see your baby?” Jenna asks as I hop onto the table.
“Yeah, will we find out the sex?”
“If you want me to, I definitely can try. Sometimes they don’t cooperate.”
I smile and fight back the urge to say: then they’d be like their dad. “I understand.”
She goes over what she’ll be looking for and how the appointment should proceed. “Do you have any other questions?”
“I think I’m good. I’m just ready to see him or her.”
Jenna touches my arm. “Are we waiting for anyone?”
I look at the door and then shake my head. “No. I’m doing this on my own.”
“All right.” Her voice is soft and understanding.
I settle a blanket over my legs and then lie back while she dims the lights. After a second, she takes a seat on the rolling stool next to the bed and gently tugs the gown up to expose my belly.
“Your bump is just starting to pop.”
“I’ve been lucky, I guess.”
“With my first, I didn’t start to show until about twenty-three weeks. People just assumed I was eating a lot.” She lets out a light laugh and then holds up the ultrasound wand. “I’m going to start now, if you need me to stop or anything, just let me know.”
“Thank you.”
Jenna puts some goopy stuff on my stomach, uses the ultrasound wand to smear it around, and then she presses the small device firmly against my lower abdomen.
The whooshing sound fills the room, and I turn my head to look at the machine, wondering what the hell that is.
“That’s the baby’s heartbeat.”
“It sounds so fast,” I muse.
“Yeah, it’s much faster than an adult heartbeat. It sounds healthy, though.” She tilts the wand, pushing it around. “That’s the heart there. If you look closely, you can see the four chambers.”
Tears fall because my baby has a heart ... and it beats ... and has all its chambers. I stare at the screen, not really sure of what the hell I’m seeing, but Jenna’s easy smile makes me feel better.
Then I see a face. A little face, but it’s clear as day. There are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. The baby moves a bit, and the profile is so clear. My hand moves to my lips, and I suck in a breath as more tears fall.
“How can I love him or her already?” I ask.
She smiles and moves the wand around again. “Because you’re a mom.”
“Let me just look around and take some measurements,” Jenna’s voice changes just slightly as she starts clicking keys and nodding to herself.
I think I see an arm, but the kid could be an octopus for all I know with how many times things move, but Jenna seems to be sure of what she’s seeing. She clicks about some more, tilting her head and drifting closer to the screen while she looks at something.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, feeling nervous suddenly.
“I’m just measuring, that’s all.” Jenna smiles and then goes back. “You’re just about twenty weeks, right?”
I nod. “Yes. You know, I had some cramping the last two weeks, but Dr. Madison said it was completely normal.”
“Yes, cramping is normal while your uterus is stretching.”
Jenna seems focused, so I force myself to focus on staying calm. If there’s something wrong, they’ll tell me. I can’t freak out just because I think there’s some change in the room.
Yet, my instincts won’t allow me to do that.
My throat is tight, and there’s a gnawing feeling in my gut that has nothing to do with the baby.
“Jenna,” I whisper because speaking too loudly seems like bad luck. “Is everything okay?”
“I’m just going to grab the radiologist and have her take a look at something. I don’t want you to be alarmed, which I know is impossible, but know that everything is okay. I just can’t seem to see something, and I want a second person to give it a try, okay?”
I nod because what else can I do? I’m lying on this bed—alone. My head rests on the pillow, and I begin to count. I count because it’s mindless and requires no effort. I get up to one thousand and thirty-five before Jenna and two other women enter.
One of them being Dr. Madison.
“Everything is not okay, is it?”
Dr.
