“Right now, where everything is located, it’s imperative that we don’t wait. I worry about blood flow to the baby, which could lead to other complications. This is a very rare condition, Ms. Hastings. The size of your tumor is the concern. The last thing we want is for it to get bigger. I know it’s scary, but I wouldn’t rush into this if I thought there was another option.”
“Right. No. I … I get it.”
“Syd,” Sierra’s voice sounds strangled as she grips my hand. “If they think ...”
I know what she’s saying, and she’s right. If they weren’t concerned, I wouldn’t have been transported immediately to Philadelphia.
I don’t know that I’ve ever cried so much. In the hospital, in the ambulance, now here, it’s just constant tears. I’ve cried for the baby, for myself, for the fact that Declan isn’t here with me. I need him here. This is his baby too, and he’s in New York.
I’m angry at all of this.
“Can you explain everything again?” I ask.
He nods and goes over how they came to the diagnosis, what that means for the baby and me, and then what they consider to be the safest course of action. I’m a planner by nature. I have to know that there’s some kind of contingencies as well. No matter how many times he assures me that it’s relatively safe, this is still scary, and it’s surgery while I’m pregnant. This is all happening so fast.
He finishes talking and waits for me to say something.
Anything.
But I don’t know that I heard a word he said. It was almost as though I was looking at the entire scene from a distance.
“Sydney?” Sierra pushes me to say something.
“I just … I’m scared,” I admit. “I don’t want to lose the baby. It’s too … soon … too ... we’re not ready. I was just supposed to have an ultrasound. This wasn’t supposed to happen.” I start to cry again. “I want to go home and just start over.”
Sierra wraps her arms around me and holds me tight. “I know you’re scared, but you’re so strong. You’re going to do fine, and they have a great team here.”
She’s right that this is one of the best places to be, and Natasha has already assured me of that ten times. She was adamant that I go to the absolute top-of-the-line hospital.
It’s a small silver lining as my entire world seemingly crumbles around me.
But then I think of my son. The little life inside me that needs me to make the right choice. He is who will suffer from my fear.
“When will you do the surgery?” I ask, wiping the remaining tears away.
“In the next few hours. I’d normally do this procedure with local anesthesia and more of a twilight, but I see in your chart you’ve had some adverse reactions?”
I nod. “Yes, the last two times it took a lot of effort to get me to go under and I woke up both times.”
He writes something down. “I’m going to confer with our anesthesiologist, but I’d like to have you fully under where we can work quickly and not have that situation arise. However, it is completely up to you. This does put us at a little bit of a higher risk, but I think it’s a better choice.”
“Okay. I would prefer that as well. My … my nerves and I … I can’t.” My voice is barely a whisper, and the words felt like they tore through me.
“Don’t worry, we’ll talk it over and come back with the options again, okay?”
“Thank you.”
Sierra rubs my back, and the doctor leaves the room.
“I need my phone,” I say, suddenly frantic. I have two hours, and I need to get a lawyer here to write up something for me.
Sierra sits up and grabs it from her pocket. “Are you calling Declan?”
“No, can you give me a few minutes though?”
She looks torn, but after a second, she agrees and heads out. I call my friend from law school who has a practice in Philly. The line rings and rings, and the whole time, I’m shaking and it’s as though the walls are closing in.
I have to protect the baby. I need to have this done as soon as possible.
It rings and no one answers.
There has to be someone else. If anything happens to me ...
I call another number, but they don’t answer either.
Shit. What the hell do I do?
I rack my brain to remember anything about wills and medical directives. Sierra knocks and then peeks her head in. “Can I come in?”
I nod. I’m going to have to do this the best way I can and pray no one contests anything. My sister will honor my wishes, I have to believe that, but I’m not sure if my mom will.
I look up at my older sister and her lip quivers. “I’m so sorry, Sydney. I ... did you decide to call Declan?”
I shake my head. “No, I don’t know if I should or if I can. I’m so broken right now I don’t know that I can talk to him.”
She pushes the hair back off my face like she did what I was little. “You’re not broken.”
My chest is so tight it hurts to breathe. “I told him about the baby. I told him I loved him, and I told him he had to choose. He didn’t pick me, Sierra. Instead of coming to the ultrasound today, he left.”
“Left?”
“He went back to New York. He didn’t even tell me!” I yell, my emotions overtaking me. “He left me and the baby, and ... now, God, I can’t.” I curl in on myself, thinking of all the things I need to do. I should’ve been more prepared. All this time, I knew better. Thank God, I have a will, but now I need to do this. I have to be as prepared as I can
