I shake my head, irritated that she’s talking in circles. What the hell does one have to do with the other? “I’ve had a horrible day and all I want to do is to try to plead my case and get her to forgive me. I wanted to be here. I was doing everything I could, but the highway was shut down and then my phone died, and then I didn’t want to stop to buy a charger because it would have just wasted more time. I just ... please, I’m begging you as a friend, where is our other friend?”
My heart is pounding in my chest. I have never hated myself as much as I do now. I should’ve been here. I never should’ve left any of this to chance.
She looks up with her teeth between her lips. “All I can say is that you might want to call Sierra.”
I’m out of my seat before she can say anything else. “Thank you.”
I rush out of the office, back into my car. I have no clue how to get in touch with Sierra, but I’m sure Jimmy does. I’ll beg anyone to get it.
I’m heading back toward Sugarloaf, my mind all over the place as to why Sierra would know where she is and why her car was there when my phone rings.
Sydney.
Thank God.
“Syd?” I say quickly. There’s a pause, and I go on, needing to say it all. “Syd, I’m so sorry. I was on my way and something happened on route 80 and then my phone died. I swear, I was coming to the appointment. I just left there, and I’m … God, I can’t say anything other than I’m sorry. This will be the last time I disappoint you. I love you, Bean. So fucking much and … please, forgive me.”
There’s nothing on the other line and panic builds. Jesus, I really fucked up.
Then a sniffle.
“Syd?”
“Declan, it’s Sierra.”
My heart starts pounding, and my mouth goes dry. “Sierra, where is Sydney?”
Her breathing is loud through the line. “We’re in Philadelphia. I think, I don’t know … I wasn’t supposed to call you, but ...”
“Tell me where you are,” I say pulling the car off the side of the road. “Please, I need to explain to her.”
“There’s a problem, and I think you should come.”
“What problem?”
“With Sydney. They just took her back into surgery …”
My heart stops and time goes still. “She’s in surgery? Did she lose the baby? Is that what happened?” Tears fill my eyes as the vision of the life I was going to give her disappears. “The baby?” I just barely choke out.
“Oh God,” she rushes to say. “No, it’s not the baby, it’s her. They found something and—just come here and I’ll tell you everything. Hopefully, she’ll be out of surgery when you get here.”
She gives me the information to the hospital and where to go. “I’m on my way now, I’ll call this phone when I get there.”
Once I hang up the phone, I send a prayer that I get there and everything is okay, then I drive as though I’ve already lost everything.
“Sierra,” I say as I enter the small waiting room.
“Declan!”
She’s on her feet and rushing to me a moment later. I catch her and she starts to cry again. I’ve known her pretty much my entire life and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this distraught. Her fingers grip the back of my shirt as she holds on.
“It’s okay, just … tell me what’s going on,” I urge us both into chairs.
She draws a deep breath and starts to speak. “I got a call that they found something in the ultrasound today, she was hysterical, and Syd doesn’t get hysterical, you know? I got to the hospital where they did a different type of ultrasound, and it was all very confusing. Needless to say, it wasn’t good, and they transferred her here where they decided to operate.”
“But she’s pregnant.”
“Yes, and they say they can do this, but, Dec, she was terrified. I’m freaking the fuck out. She made me take this letter.” Sierra digs in her purse and hands it to me. “I can’t do this. I can’t pick.”
“Pick? Pick what?”
I open the letter up and start to read. My hands are shaking and I have to focus to stay calm. “No,” I say the word when I read her requests. She can’t ask this. To save the baby over her. “The baby isn’t even here. No. This is crazy. There can be another baby, but there is no other Sydney.”
The words fall from my lips as dread fills my heart. She can’t ask this. No, more than that, she can’t die.
Sierra rests her hand on my arm. “She said she needed to make her wishes known so I wouldn’t have to decide. I’m sick to my stomach, and I just keep reassuring myself that this is the planner in Sydney. The girl who needs to have all her ducks in a row.”
I can’t think about her dying. There’s no way because I just got her back. I just decided we were going to make it work and love again. So, she is not going to die. There are no ducks to be in a row.
“Did the doctor say anything about the risks?” I ask.
“Yes. There’s a chance that either she or the baby could go into distress. It’s surgery, while pregnant, but they said it just couldn’t wait. The tumor is sitting in an area that could hurt the baby. She was devastated, Dec. I’ve never seen her so broken. Well, I have, but it was when ...”
When I broke her heart. She doesn’t have to say it, I know it all too well. It’s also probably the last time I felt this out of control. Everything feels like it’s falling apart all over again. I want to scream and throw something. “Why didn’t she call me?”
Sierra looks down and
