I step back as my senses return. “Because I’m nothing like him.”
“Exactly. If you need to get it out, I’m happy to spar with you and let you work off your steam. It’s been a long time since I’ve kicked your ass.”
He’s never kicked my ass, but I don’t correct him. Truth is, I’m too fucking tired to. The last few days have been the longest of my life.
No change in Sydney. The baby is still okay, but they are putting her on another form of medication and running another scan. Her brain activity is reading as normal, which has the doctors baffled, and I’m losing my grip.
“I can’t do this, Connor.”
He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “Let’s walk.”
We head toward the hotel, which is right across the street from the hospital. We got two rooms there so people could stay overnight if they wanted. Sierra is heading back home tonight, and Ellie is staying. The two of them are alternating, and Connor is driving them each day. I’m the only one who won’t leave.
I can’t.
I have to be here.
As we walk slowly, Connor stays quiet as I form what to say in my head. “I’ve always taken care of everything.”
“Yeah, you have.”
“I can’t fix this.”
He bobs his head as we keep going. “I know the feeling well. You want to make her happy and do what you can to give her security, but this is out of your hands. I’ve been there, brother, I know what you’re feeling. You’d do anything, wouldn’t you?”
I would steal the breath from my body and give it to her. “Anything.”
“Then be the man she has always believed you are. The one we all know you are. Put the past behind you.”
I already have in some ways. However, I have some mistakes I need to atone for, leaving Syd being the biggest. I will never run the risk of losing her again. When she wakes up—which will happen—I will prove it to her.
“Connor,” I say carefully, needing to say this. “If this goes badly.”
“It won’t.”
“If it does ...”
Connor grips the back of his neck and releases a heavy breath. “Then you have three brothers who will hold you together.”
I hope that’s enough because I know I will fucking shatter.
Chapter Thirty-One
Declan
“We’re starting to worry about how shallow her breathing has gotten,” Dr. Voigt explains.
Sydney has been in a coma for six days.
Days that I don’t even remember passing. I sit here, holding her hand, telling her stories, and pretending I’m holding it together.
Today, her mother is here. “And what does that mean?” she asks, unable to stop her tears from falling.
“It means that we may have to intubate her. We’re watching, and if there are any signs of distress, we just want you to be aware.”
Jane stumbles into my arms, her tears fall rapidly as I hold her tight. I close my eyes, using all the strength I have left to be strong.
I hold her mother, letting her soak my shirt as she fears the same thing I do.
Things aren’t getting better.
She’s getting worse.
“And the baby?” I ask. Deacon was Sydney’s one concern, and if—when—she wakes, I want to be able to give her the most up-to-date information I can.
The doctor clears his throat. “She’s receiving nutrients and vitamins to ensure the baby is fine. We have the fetal monitors on, and her OB team is following her very closely. As far as we can tell, the surgery to remove the tumor was the right move for the baby. But, we’ll do another ultrasound to measure against the previous one to see if he’s grown. I know this is a lot, and it’s frustrating that we don’t have answers, but we are doing everything we can.”
Jane leans back, wiping her face, and sniffles. “Thank you, Doctor.”
He gives a stiff nod and then leaves.
She walks over to the other side of the bed and tucks Sydney’s hair behind her ear. “I can’t watch her wither away like this. She’s a strong girl who never backs down. I feel so helpless.”
I move to the opposite side. “I know. I do too.”
Jane’s eyes meet mine. “You know, when you left her, I thought she would crumple and die. You were … well, she loved you without reserve. No matter what, her faith in you was unwavering, even when I didn’t think you deserved it.”
“I didn’t deserve it. I proved that by not being here when she needed me.” Shame washes through my words.
“You’re here now, Declan. You’re standing at her side. You’ve been here continuously. Others have abandoned her, but you didn’t.” There is a long pause, and then she says, “Sierra told me that you bought the farm.”
“I did.”
“You’re a good man.”
I look down at Sydney and brush my fingers against her cheek before looking back at Jane. “I’ve made mistakes, but I love her. I’d like your blessing to marry her when she wakes up.”
Jane smiles. “I gave it to you once before, why should I do it again?”
I square my shoulders and don’t waver. “Because this time, I plan to actually ask her.”
“Good. Be sure you do, and if that doesn’t rouse her, then I don’t know what will.”
But it doesn’t, and more time passes while her breathing grows shallower.
“We’re getting closer to needing to move forward with intubating,” Dr. Voigt informs us. “She has moments of respiratory stability, but more often, she’s struggling, and her oxygen levels are starting to become concerning.”
This can’t be happening. “Are we losing her?” I ask him.
“At this point, we are just trying to make it easier for her to breathe. The more she struggles, the lower her blood oxygen becomes, and we want to avoid any damage that could cause.”
I run my hand down my
