He shakes his head. “No. None of the tests show anything to suggest why she hasn’t woken since the surgery.”
I look to where she sleeps and pinch the bridge of my nose. I’m losing her. “Can I have a few minutes?” I ask them both.
Jane nods. “I have to call Sierra.”
They walk out, and I make my way to her bed. I’m done being patient, if we can even call it that. She has to wake up now. “No more, Sydney,” I say with authority. “Our son needs you. He needs you to push through this and open your eyes.” My face is close to hers, watching for anything to tell me she hears me. “Deacon is inside you, and he needs his mother to take care of him. You can’t leave him to me or your sister. You can’t just ... give up. You can’t do this to everyone who loves you and needs you.”
Tears fall down my cheeks. I love her so much, and I’m breaking apart. I can feel her drifting away. It’s as though, in just the last hour, I’ve been able to watch the woman before me fade. It isn’t real, or at least that’s what I’ve been telling myself, but yet, I feel it in my bones.
Sydney won’t come back from this, and I can’t handle it.
I grip her hands, lacing my fingers in hers. “Don’t leave me, Sydney. Please don’t fucking leave me. I need to make this up to you. I want years to prove that I love you and that I can be what you need. You are all I want in this world, and I don’t want you to give up.” My head falls to the bed, resting on her hands. “Don’t give up, baby. Please, fight for me.” I stand, taking her face in my hands and leaning in to kiss her. She’s warm, soft, and completely absent. I don’t feel her with me. “I love you, Sydney.”
I release her, my heart feeling like a boulder in my chest. I take a step back, needing to get out of this room.
I can’t watch her fall deeper into the abyss.
I feel helpless, devastated, and so fucking alone.
My feet keep moving as my eyes stay on her, wanting to be near her but needing to pull away.
Each breath is labored, burning my soul as I retreat.
I can’t survive losing her. I don’t know how I ever let her go before. It’s killing me. Everything inside me is raging, clawing through my chest, desperate to get out.
I open the door, Jane’s eyes meet mine, and then I turn.
I can’t be here.
I have to … move.
My heart is thumping so hard I can hear nothing other than my pulse. I don’t know how to exist in a world without her. Even when I didn’t have her—she was here. She was already making the world a better place, just by drawing in air.
I walk, not seeing the people, hearing their words, or marking the halls I traverse. I’m just lost because I’m losing her.
I see the life we could’ve had. The life on the farm, heading into the city a few times a month but working beside her. The children we could have, running around, chasing their friends, and laughing. Sydney with her long blonde hair, torturing me with her sweet kisses and beautiful smiles.
We would run away to the pond for alone time when the kids were busy.
That future fades away before my eyes.
I’m standing in the hospital chapel.
I don’t even know how I got here …
“So, is this my punishment?” I ask the empty room or God or whoever is listening. “Do I have to atone for what my father did? Is this my penance? To live alone in a world without her? Have I not suffered enough?” My voice is full of rage. “Were all the years being beaten down, watching people I love fall apart not enough?” I walk, unable to sit, anger flowing through my veins, needing answers. “I walked away from her to keep her safe! I left her behind so she could escape any pain I might cause her, and you do this to her!” My hands are shaking, so I turn them into fists. “I love her, and you’re going to take her from me, aren’t you? I wasn’t good enough. I know this, but I was going to give her everything! I … I was …”
I sink to my knees, looking up at the cross, just like the one my mother had.
I’m angry at God, my family, the farm, Sydney, everyone, but most of all—myself. I have to live with the fact that she thinks I abandoned her. The guilt of her being disappointed in me.
“I am so scared,” I confess.
I close my eyes and decide to talk to the only person who might be listening.
“Mom, please, if you’re up there, don’t let me lose her. I know my path. I’m ready to take my second shot, but I need your help. I need her, and I can’t do this alone. Please, let me have another chance. I swear if you can just … give me this, I’ll make you proud again. I’ll stop running and be the man you’ve always believed I could be.”
I stay on my knees in that chapel for a long while, letting the despair wash over me and then letting it go. I have to be strong for Sydney.
After another second, I rise and head out into the hall. If she’s going to go through this, I’m going to be by her side the entire time. And whenever she opens her eyes, I’ll be there. If anything happens, I’ll be the one who sees it.
There’s no other option.
As I get through the doors to ICU, I see people running toward Sydney’s room. There are doctors, nurses, and a team of people going
