Break my heart (Estate Series 1)

calming her voice is “Hello, Dr. Trent, how have you been?” I ask her, “Ah I totally forgot to tell you my name! Its Abi by the way” she says making me smile “Well, nice to speak to you again Abi” and I actually mean it, I was almost looking forward to speaking with her today, she made me feel so at ease last week “Back to your earlier question, I’m very well thanks. Although, I am going a little stir crazy. I’ve been cooped up in the office all week! Anyway, how have you been?” Hmm cooped up, maybe I should invite her out to lunch or something… Wait no, she’s my councillor, she wouldn’t want to go to lunch with a patient “I’ve actually been pretty okay thanks, I’ve not had any more episodes of panic like I did” I haven’t told her about those yet, but I need to know if there is anything I can do to stop them happening “Okay, What happened when you felt the panic?” she asks in a calm voice “Well, I came down stairs to get some pain meds, and Asher, Hayley’s boyfriend was in the front room getting his phone. It was like I wasn’t in control of my body; I couldn’t breathe. He put his hand out just to shake it and say hello, but my body just reacted. I felt like my throat was closing up and I had no control. Anyway, Asher called up for Reid and he managed to coax me back to reality… I felt horrible for how I reacted to Asher, he’s a really nice person” I whisper the last part, I still feel bad now, but he’s never held it over my head. “What happened is completely normal for a panic attack, and not surprising after your experience. Reid being able to bring you back is huge, normally it takes a lot of therapy to be able to learn how to come out of an episode… or a sedative” It makes me appreciate Reid even more knowing that, I really do not like the thought of being shot up with drugs just to calm down “There are a lot of techniques we can practice so you can try and catch an episode before it happens. But they would be best explained in person. Do you feel that it’s something we could do?” she asks in a cheery tone, I’ll do anything to stop it from happening again “Yes, that sounds good to me”.

I’ve seen Hayley have bad days before, but she seems to be able to cope and bring herself back, I hope I can do the same “Ok, could we meet up tomorrow? I’m only in Colchester, so I can come to you at the house? Means I can get away from these four walls for a while” she chuckles. I’ll have to check with Reid and Hayley, this is their house after all “I’m sure that would be okay, can I just check with Reid and text you if it’s okay?” I don’t want to take advantage of them letting me live here “Sue, sure. Let me know. Maybe I’ll see Gavin while I’m in town” she says on a chuckle making me laugh “Maybe you will” Sounds like I need to arrange a meeting for these two I chuckle to myself “Ok, so we haven’t spoken much about what happened. If you feel comfortable, maybe we could talk a little about it?” I kinda expected this today, after spending the last session joking around and getting to know each other, I knew the real talking may happen this time “I can try” I tell her biting my thumb nail, she begins asking me about my frame of mind, I try telling her as best I can about my thoughts. I go on to tell her about me and Reid, and how I felt after we had sex “That is understandable. You can’t think of your attack as your first time, that was just something taken from you. But what you and Reid had, was completely given” she says quietly “It takes time, but you learn to cope” she sounds like she’s speaking from experience “Don’t let him take anything more than he already has. He doesn’t get to take your happiness anymore” she continues. She’s right, I won’t let Gary take anything else from me, especially what I have with Reid.

Chapter Sixteen

After my phone call with Abi, I feel emotionally drained. We worked through some of the negative things I’ve been thinking and agreed for her to come over tomorrow to have a face-to-face appointment after texting Reid to make sure it was okay, I’m looking forward to meeting her in person finally.

Feeling exhausted, I sit in the front room and get out my kindle. Blowing the steam from my mug of tea I hear the front door open as Hayley gets in “Hey sweetie. How did counselling go?” she asks as she brings in two bags of shopping, I follow her to the kitchen to help put everything away “It went really well, we worked through some stuff. She’s actually coming here tomorrow for a face-to-face appointment. I hope that’s okay?” I ask her, realising I probably should have asked her first “Of course it is dear, she sounds like exactly the right person to help you” she says with a smile. Putting the loaf of bread in the bread bin I say “She told me I shouldn’t let Gary take anything more from me than he already has” I notice she flinches when I say his name and turns away from me “Hayley? Are you okay?” I hear her sniffle as I walk over and put my hand on her arm “I didn’t want you to worry” she says as she looks at me with watery eyes “Worry about what?” what is she talking about? She takes a deep breath and leads me over to sit