And no, he wasn't wrong. Killian was a large part of the problem, and the arrangement with him was another big piece, but that didn't mean they were the only reasons.
"It's not about him," I told him. "He has nothing to do with the decisions I make or don't make."
"Okay," Simon said. "Okay. Sorry. I just... I guess it seemed weird to just come out and ask if there was something going on between the two of you."
"I said he was a friend."
"You did. But I'm also your friend, and maybe I think there's something going on between us."
Again, he wasn't wrong. There was definitely something there between us, even if it still remained to be seen if I was going to act on it.
Killian was still in my fucking head with his 'I don't want you to see him' crap, and even standing there, not doing anything but talking made me feel like I was crossing a line.
It was so stupid, but there was a part of me that didn't want to hurt Killian. He'd never deliberately hurt me, after all. And I wanted to be better than he was.
At the same time, Simon was attractive, less irritating, and there, giving me that look that I knew meant he wanted to kiss me.
I was still upset with Killian, and figured I could use some comfort. I deserved it for putting up with his entitled ass.
"There's something going on between us," I agreed. "I think... I think you should kiss me again."
His eyes lit up, and he pushed his glasses up his nose more. "Really?"
I nodded. "Yeah. Just to refresh my memory. It helps in the decision-making process."
He laughed and took a step closer to me. "Well. Anything I can do to help you make up your mind."
Chapter 14
Ashlyn
He closed the remaining distance between us, put his fingers under my chin, and he tipped my face up so he could look down at me while his lips touched mine.
There was that immediate spark of heat that came when someone you liked kissed you, and I leaned into it, making a soft noise to let him know it was okay to continue.
He kissed me slow and soft, his lips brushing with mine, pressing lightly and not pushing for more.
I realized, about three seconds into it, that I kept waiting for more. I kept waiting for that spark to grow into something bigger. For him to put his hands on me and pull me closer, to whisper something indecent against my lips and get his teeth and tongue involved.
I waited for that full body shiver to race down my spine and make me want to cling to him and beg him to keep going, but that just... never happened.
It stayed soft. It stayed chaste. It stayed... boring, if I was being honest.
Simon wasn't a bad kisser. His mouth felt nice against mine, and I liked how solid and warm he was, but there was nothing else there. He was just... nice.
Nice wasn't what I was used to anymore. I was used to being taken, grabbed and prodded and spanked and devoured. My blood raced at the thought of the way Killian kissed me, like he was going to try to make me come for him just using his tongue in my mouth and his teeth on my lips.
Simon wasn't the type, and at first I'd really enjoyed that about him. I didn't want someone who was depraved and into being in charge all the time.
Simon was the kind of person to ask before he took liberties, and that had been refreshing and wonderful at first.
Looking back while I stood there, mind wandering while he kissed me, I could see that it wasn't what I was used to. And honestly? I couldn't really say if it was what I wanted anymore.
I had no idea what that said about me, but it probably wasn't anything good.
I lifted my hands to hold onto Simon, and he deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue into my mouth.
That had promise, so I leaned into it more, parting my lips, tangling my tongue with his. But again, I felt like I was waiting for something.
For him to seize control of things, to grab me harder and devour me with his tongue, to force mine to dance the to tune at the pace he set. I was waiting for him to consume me, and that just clearly wasn't going to happen.
It was a dance, but it wasn't one he seemed interested in leading, and I didn't feel the spark enough to take control myself, so we met somewhere in the middle, awkward and just okay.
When Simon pulled back, his eyes were bright and he licked his lips slowly, a flush spreading over his cheeks. "Wow," he breathed. "I mean, um. Yeah. That was... yeah."
I lifted an eyebrow and forced a smile. "Is that a good yeah?" I asked, even though I was already pretty sure I knew the answer.
I hadn't really even done anything, and he was impressed already.
"Yeah," he echoed himself, nodding. "God. So, I know you want time to think and all, but I have to say again that I really, really like you."
And once again, I felt like a terrible person, and the guilt was thick and real. Simon liked me, and I liked him, too. All the things I'd liked about him before were still there, but now I was looking at him through a different lens, and I just... didn't know if we could make this work.
It was entirely my fault, too. Well. No. It was entirely Killian's fault, but he wasn't there, and I needed someone to blame.
I didn't know what to tell Simon, either. He deserved more than being led on
