He deserved better than me.
"I know," I said, sighing softly. "More than I deserve."
"Hey," he said. "None of that. If you don't know how amazing you are, then I'm going to have to spend some time telling you, because you are amazing and beautiful and funny and sexy as all get out. You're confident and brave and smart."
"You don't have to do that," I told him, trying to get him to stop before I felt any worse. "You really don't."
"I know I don't have to, but I want you to know how I feel. In case it helps."
It really, really didn't.
I should not have asked him to kiss me. That was pushing things way too far. I should have just kept my mouth shut or changed the subject or anything. Trying to spite Killian had come back to bite me in the ass in a big way, and I couldn't even blame him for it because it was my own dumb fault.
I took a deep breath and looked at Simon. Really looked at him. He was handsome and smart and kind, and I was just... not feeling the spark I needed to feel from him.
He was a good friend, especially when I needed a break from Killian, but I was pretty sure he was never going to be able to satisfy me in the bedroom the way Killian did. A few months ago, I would have said that wasn't as important as everything else, but now that I had a taste of what it felt like to be rendered into a puddle of satisfied exhaustion on a regular basis, I didn't think I could go back.
Which meant I had to tell Simon that.
I considered letting it drag out a bit more, waiting until I'd addressed my issues with Killian, but that wasn't fair at all.
My issues with Killian had little to do with Simon, even though they were about him, in a way. He didn't know Killian or the issues we were having, and he deserved an answer without me leading him on just because I was being a coward.
I took another deep breath and then let it out slowly, working up the nerve to say what I needed to say.
"So," I said. And then promptly ran out of words.
Simon frowned, looking at me. "I get the feeling I'm not going to like what you're about to say." His face was neutral, but I could see the hurt lurking in his eyes.
Better to just get it over with then. Rip the band-aid off before I had the chance to hurt him worse.
"Simon, I like you so much. You're so kind and smart and interesting. You're such a good friend."
"Ah," he said, nodding. "There it is. The 'you're a good friend, but' conversation."
I sighed. "You're a good friend, but..."
"But you're not interested in me that way."
"I just don't think it would work out the way you want it to work out," I said, aware that it wasn't making things better. "I just... don't feel the way you want me to feel, I think. I'm sorry."
For a second he just stood there, looking uncomfortable and upset. And then he sighed and nodded, running fingers through his hair.
"Alright. That's fair. That's fine. Thank you for being honest with me at least."
"I thought that would be better than dragging it out."
"It is. I appreciated it. I mean, it sucks to hear you don't even want to try, but at least you're being honest about it. Will you answer one thing for me?"
I had a feeling I already knew what the question was, but I figured I owed him at least that. "Sure."
"Is it actually because of someone else?"
I hesitated with how to answer that. The short answer was of course yes, but at the heart of it, that wasn't the real problem. Killian had opened my eyes to a whole new world of pleasure, but I wasn't set on being with him, either. Killian still had a long way to go when it came to learning how to treat other people outside of the bedroom, so neither of them were perfect.
"Not really," I answered finally. "At least not in the way you mean. It's not because I have someone else I want instead. It's just... a way I want to feel."
"And I don't make you feel that way." It wasn't a question.
I shook my head. "I'm sorry, but no, you don't."
"Fair enough," he said with a sigh.
"I hope we can still be friends after this," I offered tentatively. It would be entirely fair if he decided he never wanted to see me again.
He smiled, and it was edged with hurt, but it actually did reach his eyes. "Of course we're still going to be friends," he said. "You're not going to get rid of me that easily. I still need someone to talk to about the trials of running a business and you actually understand my work, so I'm not giving that up."
I smiled back, relief flooding through me. "Okay, good. I would be really upset if we stopped talking."
"We won't. I might need some time to lick my wounds in private, but I still want to be around you. That said, I should probably go, though."
I couldn't blame him for that. "Okay," I said. "Take care, alright?"
"You, too."
He looked at me for another long moment and then headed for the door.
Watching him leave, I actually felt lighter than I had before. I felt bad for hurting him, of course, but I'd actually made some progress in figuring out what I wanted. With Simon out of the picture, things would be less muddled between Killian and I, and we could actually move towards figuring out what the hell was going on with us.
He wanted something, but he was being too much of a coward to say what it was.
Before we could move on, he was going to have to learn to use
