A noise in the distance makes me jump. The sound of a child playing nearby. I push him back, but he keeps traveling down, his fingers getting closer to my weakness. I pull his head up and he comes back to my mouth, kissing me hard and thrusting into me.
I hear the child again and I knee Raf in the nuts. He pulls back, the rage immediate.
“What the fuck?”
I expect him to shove off of me, but it’s like an aphrodisiac. He pulls my yoga pants down and thrusts two fingers inside of me. I’m so sensitive, I come immediately and the smug look on his face is my undoing. I hate myself almost as much as I hate him. He pulls his sweats down and I don’t look. I know I’ll like what I see way too much. He teases me with the tip and I keep my eyes closed, biting my lip hard.
And then everything goes cold. My skin pebbles with goose bumps and I feel the loss of his warmth. I open my eyes and he’s gone. I sit up and pull up my pants, my humiliation complete. I stay there for a few moments, blasting myself with all the ways I’ve screwed up.
I keep letting him break me down. Something has to change. I refuse to keep being his pawn.
The red lilies are on my front step every day for the next week. On day seven, I yell and tear them apart and my mom comes running out the front door with a baseball bat.
“What’s going on?” She bends over at the knees when she sees I’m not hurt or being mugged.
I hold up the ripped flowers and her eyes widen when she sees the mess on the ground.
“Did you see who left them?”
“No, but it’s happened a lot. Every day this week…other times before that. Is Luke here?”
She gets antsy and I know what she’s going to say before she says it. “I don’t know. I’ve heard from my investigator that he was in jail and then got out…”
“So that was about Luke.”
“What?”
“I overheard that conversation and was trying not to be nosy, but I should’ve been…or you should’ve let me know,” I yell.
“Keep your voice down. I need to talk to Stefen about this. See if he’s seen anything.”
“Right, I’m sure that’ll help.” My mom flinches like I’m smacking her with my sarcasm. “You’ve been moping around the house for days…I’m sorry you’re missing your boyfriend so much. You may as well go back to him. Raf and I aren’t speaking anymore. We’ve avoided each other all week. It’s the best week I’ve had at school…if this with the lilies didn’t keep happening. There’s no risk of a stepbrother love affair going on at this point. You’re safe.”
The image of us under the tree has played in vicious loops until I feel like I’m losing my mind. But at least it’s not happening again.
Tears stream down Mom’s cheeks and she picks the flowers off of the ground and dumps them in the trash, holding the door for me after we’ve picked it all up.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said all that.” My shoulders drop.
“No, you have every right to be upset with me. I should’ve never had a child while being in the porn business. I should’ve never introduced you to Luke. Never trusted that his intentions were honorable. Never left you alone with him or alone, period, so much of the time. I shouldn’t have stayed with your father as long as I did. All of this is my fault. The least I could do was break up with Stefen.” Her voice cracks when she says his name. “He understood. I barely know him anyway.” Except now she’s sobbing and her shoulders are shaking.
“Mom.” I take her in my arms and hug her tight, feeling more like the parent than ever. “If you miss him that much, call him. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“I can’t do anything right,” she whimpers.
I roll my eyes and take a few deep breaths before saying anything. “I know it’s hard to believe, but not everything is about you.”
She stiffens once my words are out and pulls away, her eyes flashing. “I know that.”
I press my lips together and my eyes widen, wanting her to think about it for just one second, the possibility that she manages to turn everything around to herself.
Thursday after school, Luci and I hit the closest coffee shop. We have a science test coming up and it’s not my best subject. However, little studying has been done because we’ve been discussing at length how we feel about K-pop. She’s for it, I’m not as much.
“I just don’t see what the big deal is.” I put my chin in my hands and she stares at me in disbelief.
“I can’t believe you don’t understand it!”
“I’ll keep trying.” I shrug but deep down I know I’ve given it a solid try. I don’t want to ruin her fun though. I wouldn’t have told her how I felt if she didn’t continuously ask how I feel about certain songs and I have to keep admitting I don’t know them. And then when I do know the song and it’s not my favorite, apparently my expression gives me away.
She goes into this long tirade about it being more than their songs, it’s the feeling behind the music, and I lose my ability to concentrate and stare out the window. I jump when I see someone who looks just like Luke staring at me from across the street. I stand up and turn around, quickly stepping away from the window before
