Since when did you care about me? I want to ask him. But I refrain from doing it. Something tells me he’s here for another reason. So, I don’t respond.
His eyelids are heavy, and he rubs his chin. Yep, that’s his tell sign that he’s stressed out to the max.
“Spit it out, Dad.” I lean forward resting my elbows on the desk.
He lets out a loud breath and waits a few minutes. “I cut your mother off from my money. I’m finally divorcing her.”
It doesn’t surprise me that he would divorce her. I never thought my father took anyone shit. At work, people view him as cutthroat and cold-hearted. But now, he looks like a wounded animal. He’s doing it for himself and I get it. Being with someone toxic for years can wear and tear on your mind and body.
Do I hug him? No, I’ll just remain in my seat. We’re not the hugging type. My dad never hugged me a day in my life.
“I would say I’m sorry, but you should have divorced her a long time ago.”
“After the many, many affairs she’s had, I decided to walk away,” he answers.
My mouth hangs open and I stare at him as if he’s a deer in a headlight. He thrusts his fingers through his hair.
“I didn’t know Mom cheated on you. I’m sorry.”
I’ve never been cheated on, so I won’t know how it feels. And if Felix ever cheated on me, I know I’ll be crushed. I don’t know how I would handle it. I tuck the thoughts away. Felix would never do anything to hurt me in that way.
“There is something your mom wanted to tell you at the dinner table before you stormed out.” He rubs the back of his neck and twitches his mouth. “Do you know why I gave Axel the CEO position?” He studies my reaction, sits up leaning forward in the chair.
“Because he’s your favorite,” I say it so casually.
“He’s not my favorite.” I don’t believe his last words. “You’re not mine biologically.”
Did I hear him correctly?
Surely, he didn’t say…. that I’m not his.
“What did you say? I’m not sure I heard you correctly.”
“Your mother had you with a guy she was having an affair with for four years. I told her that we could work things out and to never speak about it again. I gave you my last name. And told her to end her affair.” His words wrap around me like a snake, slowly and softly squeezing the life out of me. Tears stings my eyes and my version is blurry. The floor has been snatched from under my feet. Dizziness wrecks my insides.
“So I’m a bastard child?”
He shakes his head. “You’re my daughter, I signed the birth certificate,” he pauses. “She was going to try to abort you, but I told her that if she did that, I’ll cut her off from my money.” His words slice through me. My dad used money to control her, to try to make her love him.
He wanted to keep me, and my mother never wanted me. It makes sense now. Why my mother treats me the way she does. I was just a regret to her. That’s why my parents treated Axel better.
“Is that why Axel’s your favorite?” I say again. I know that it would piss him off to repeat it. My father doesn’t like to have to repeat himself. “Because I’m not yours. Is that why you don’t care about me?”
He grinds his teeth. “I told you before I don’t know how to bond with you. But I love you. I came to all your plays and graduations. I took you to the father daughter dances bu--”
“You never ask me how my day was. You never tried to pry in my private life. You never ask what my interests are. You never brag to your friends about my accomplishments. It was all about Axel. Axel. Axel. Axel,” I breathe out. “When Axel played baseball in grade school you bragged. Just admit that I was something you regret looking at.”
Tears tickle down my cheeks, hitting my blouse. I hate myself for crying. I hate myself for allowing people who doesn’t care about me to hurt me. When will I think about myself and not others?
“Every time you look at me, do you see that other guy?”
He doesn’t answer, just stares at me with guilt on his face.
“Who is my birth dad?”
He frowns as if my words stab him the gut. “Why do you need to know? I’m your father.”
“I want to know the bastard that forgot about me.” I’m asking because I know it will hurt him. My biological dad didn’t take the time to get to know me. “You might as well dig the knife that’s in my back deeper.”
He rubs his hands together, debating if he should tell me. He better tell me, I deserve to know my real father.
“That bastard’s name is Jimmy and he died in a car crash when you were three years old. His family owned a winery in California. He left you forty percent of the company when you turn thirty years old.” There is an eerie silence because I don’t know what to do. I snatch a Kleenex from a box that’s sitting by the printer and wipe the tears from my eyes.
“He wanted to be in your life but me and your mom decided that was not for the best. Your grandfather was running for senator and didn’t want a scandal.” He watches as tears run down my cheeks but doesn’t make a move.
My grandfather did win the election that year, and as I got older, I used to hear stories about how he was a great senator. He was assassinated when I was four years old. “I come here in peace. You deserve to
