At first, I’m more than mad. I’m livid. When I read about others “seeing red,” I always thought it was a metaphor. Now I know it’s not. It’s an actual response when someone, such as myself, is so furious she could spit nails. Before I answer her, I take a minute to think about what she said … and about my inability to move past my traumatic experience. She arranged this entire trip to help me break free from the bonds of my past. Regardless of the outcome, I know she had the best intentions in her heart and she only arranged this trip because she’s worried about me.
“I am mad at you, Tracy, but I also understand why you went to such great lengths to lie to me and hide shit from me. For future reference, I’d prefer an honest conversation instead of an elaborate scheme to hook me up with some guy. That said, you did tell me not to fall for Rod. You warned me not to like him, to get that shit out of my head. I think that was the phrase you used. But I fell for him anyway, and that isn’t your fault. It’s mine. Even though I knew better, I jumped in with both feet. That’s not a mistake I’ll make again.”
“He wants to talk to you, almost to the point of desperation. He tried to follow me here, but Kevin stopped him from leaving our room. The entire time we were at the park today, he moped around with a miserable attitude, downturned lips, and vacant eyes. I don’t think he even recognized any other women were there after you left.
“I was so proud of you for that move, by the way. You just turned on your heel and left him standing there at the lockers without so much as a ‘kiss my ass’ on your way out. It was brilliant. I don’t know for sure, but I had this sense he pulled that stunt on purpose, just to test how you’d react.”
“Talking to him now won’t change anything. He probably assumes I walked away because I’m jealous over him looking at someone else. Nothing could be further from the truth. He acted as if we weren’t together when he was making ‘fuck me’ eyes at someone else, while I stood beside him, after saying he wanted us to be a real couple. If he changed his mind, I’d rather he man-up and tell me straight. Unfortunately, his true colors aren’t attractive to me. I’m glad I saw them sooner rather than later.
“Of course I still love you—you’re my best friend. But, Tracy, listen to me very carefully right now. Don’t ever do anything remotely like this to me again. When I’m ready to subject myself to the humiliation and pain of dating again, I’ll tell you.”
“That’ll be the day after never.”
“Most likely.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Rod
When I woke this morning, I knew I was in for a horrendous day, but I had no idea it would become the complete shitshow it turned into. Before I even opened my eyes, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. A recurring dream about my parents returned last night, one I can’t escape from because it’s too close to real life. My mind warps my memories, exaggerating some of the worst points of my life the way dreams do—with moments of clarity mixed with others that make no sense. But the end result is always the same. I open my eyes and accept the painful scenes are part of me and have been since my early teens.
I needed some time and space to get out of my head, so I took a long shower alone, hoping the fog would clear out of my mind. Daisy felt the distance I put between us, I knew that, but I needed it to ground myself again. The truth is, I wasn’t intentionally pushing her away, but I couldn’t stop myself either. When I’m transported back to that time in my life, every nerve in my body feels raw and exposed and everything irritates me. It’s not pretty and that’s no excuse for my terrible behavior, but it is what it is.
By the time we left for the water park with the rest of the Scooby Gang, I was looking for anything that could distract me and remove the black cloud from over my head. To distract myself, I chose thrill rides over quiet tranquility, and constant stimulation rather than down time to reflect and turn the events of the past over in my mind. I needed laughs with friends over solitude from the world and one-on-one bonding time with Daisy. For my sanity, I took the opportunity to put a little separation between me and what prompted the dream in the first place.
I never want to turn into my dad.
However, the colossal mistake I made when we arrived at the park was all on me. It was entirely my fault and nothing I can blame on anyone or anything else. Sadly, my deed confirmed my belief I should remain a bachelor for the rest of time. As long as I do, I will never turn into him. The pain I saw on Daisy’s face as the taxi drove away was far too similar to the sorrow my mom wore when she didn’t know I was watching her.
The stabbing in my chest as I watched her leave me there, clinging to the fence that separated us, acted as another time machine, dredging up feelings I haven’t felt in decades. My focus changed from the trauma of my past to the distress of the present. She stayed on my mind the entire time, regardless of how hard I tried to have fun with
