He just used me as his latest attempt to self-medicate and escape from his world for a short time. I let him, still trying to see the best in him.
When I emerge from the hall bathroom, I hear his laughter from the kitchen as he teases the kids. I join them, standing back to observe before announcing my presence. He glances over his shoulder when the children notice me, but he doesn’t say anything.
He acts as if nothing just happened between us, as if what happened meant nothing to him. That’s the hard truth I have to come to terms with sooner rather than later. He’s emotionally incapable of having an adult relationship, overcoming his commitment fears, or allowing his true feelings to flow freely. He’ll suppress them, he’ll deny them, and he’ll avoid them at all costs.
Any time I’m around him, I have to do the same and stop being a glutton for punishment.
When they finish eating, I take the kids to the playroom to get away from Rod and to refocus my attention on the time and attention they need from me. After about an hour, the door opens, and Rod slips inside with a sheepish grin on his handsome face. He sits in a child-size chair watching the three of us at work, then he eventually moves to sit on the floor beside me.
While Landen and Isa are busy talking and finger painting, Rod leans over toward me. “Are you mad at me?”
“Nope.”
“In this case, that definitely means yes. I’m sorry, Daisy. I just keep screwing up, don’t I?”
I cut my eyes to meet his. “What exactly are you sorry for this time, Rod?”
“I’m sorry for not knowing how to deal with what I feel for you. I’m sorry for not knowing if I should announce to the world, much less to the kids, that you’re my girlfriend even if you don’t see me as your boyfriend.
“I’m sorry for not knowing if boyfriend and girlfriend are even the right terms to use. That feels too much like the high school bullshit I’d rather forget. So, I’ll say it this way instead. I’m yours and you’re mine, and I’m sorry for not knowing how or when to convey that fact to the world, or even to my household. I’m sorry for making you think for one second you’re not enough. I’m sorry I’m such a screw-up… and I’m sorry this isn’t the last time you’ll be hurt or mad because of me.
“Most of all, I’m sorry I’m not the man you deserve.”
He expects sympathy and understanding right now. Too bad I’m fresh out of both.
“You had a rough childhood, I get it. You had to deal with adult situations when the others your age could be kids. But you overcame every obstacle that was thrown at you to become the successful man you are today. At some point, you have to move past the sins of your father and accept responsibility for your own.”
I stand and sling my purse over my shoulder. “It’s time to go home, Landen. Put the toys back where they go and tell Isa goodnight.”
Then I turn my attention back to Rod. “How much longer do you think it’s okay to continue blaming your parents for your actions as an adult? How long would you allow your employees to get away with that bullshit?”
CHAPTER THIRTY
Daisy
“Hey, Daisy. Guess what? I’ve got the best news.” Juliana’s excitement is contagious, even over the phone. “I’m going home today. It feels like I’ve been in this isolation room forever, but my labs are finally good enough for me to come home. I’m being paroled!”
I laugh along with her. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in weeks, Jules. I know a little girl who will be thrilled to have you home again.”
“I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done for her. She raves about you and Landen nonstop every time I talk to her. For what it’s worth, so does Rod. He won’t stop talking about you, how much Isa loves you, and how you’ve been such a lifesaver for him. I think he’s told me everything there is to know about Landen over this past week.”
Even though she meant it as a compliment, I can’t help but cringe at her words. Rod knows Landen as he is today, but he doesn’t know anything else. When Rod and I were on the island, I never mentioned my son. Maybe that was wrong of me, but I wasn’t ready to share that part of my life with him after knowing him for such a short time.
Turns out, my instincts were spot-on, because he sabotaged our relationship before it had a chance to breathe. Whatever he’s saying to her about me now may be nice, but I can’t believe a single word of it.
Juliana has shared pretty much everything about Isa’s father and what happened between them, making me feel somewhat guilty for not reciprocating. But even Tracy doesn’t know the full story because I could never bring myself to say the words out loud. Some stories are better kept close to the vest.
“You know I love Isa. Helping you or her is not a burden at all. Do you need a ride home? I have plenty of free time today. My parents flew into Atlanta yesterday and took Landen back to Florida with them for our winter break. He’s spending three and a half weeks on a south Florida beach, soaking up the sun and enjoying the warm sand.”
“Why didn’t you go with him? Are you crazy?”
“It’s good for him to spend time with them away from me, and I enjoy having a break from being a responsible adult for a few days. Even though I end up missing him after a couple of days and wish he were here with me. I’ll head down just before Christmas. Thankfully, Santa had Landen’s gifts
