The sun rises and I haven’t had a wink of sleep. I send a text off to Frankie, asking her to hold onto the girls a while longer. I hit the gym hard, something I haven’t done for a long time. I head home after and change into jeans and a soft pink knitted jumper. I want to look presentable, although I’m not sure why it matters.
I finally arrive and wait outside patiently. At exactly ten, Riggs stops his bike outside Eleanor’s office. His eyes narrow on me as he pulls his helmet off. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
I knew he’d react badly, because he lashes out with words when he’s hurt. “Are we going inside or what?” I ask.
“You made yourself perfectly clear last night, Anna. I’m seeing my solicitor straight after this appointment.”
“Then maybe we can go together.” I smile and head up the steps, pressing the buzzer to Eleanor’s office.
Eleanor smiles warmly. Riggs stares out of the large office window as I take a seat. “It’s so good to finally meet you, Anna. Riggs wasn’t sure you’d come.”
“I almost didn’t,” I admit. “I sat up the whole night thinking of reasons not to come.”
“But you came. What was the reason for that?” she asks.
I glance over at Riggs, who’s watching me from the corner of his eye. “I guess if there’s still love, there’s still hope, right?”
Eleanor smiles, nodding. “I agree. How do you feel, Finn?”
“Numb,” he mutters. “Pissed.”
“You wanted Anna to come,” says Eleanor.
“I overheard her comparing me to her abusive ex last night. She’s here right now out of guilt.”
“That’s not true,” I mutter. “I didn’t mean to compare you. I was just telling Eva that you’ve hurt me so much more by pushing me away than Reggie ever did by hitting me. It wasn’t how I wanted it to sound.”
“You’re allowed to feel that way,” says Eleanor. “We all feel pain differently. You’re feeling that mentally your pain is worse than physical pain.” I nod in agreement. “That’s because you feel the aftermath of a physical pain, say a bruise, is easier to heal than your heart.” I nod again. She’s good.
“Forget all the bullshit,” snaps Riggs and we both turn to him. “Are we done or not?”
I hesitate and he sneers. Eleanor takes a breath and releases it slowly. “Anna is here, that counts for something. It sounds like you’ve both said some hurtful things in the past. If we keep going over them, you’ll never move forward. Anna, would you be willing to see me separately sometime?” she asks.
“I don’t . . . urm . . . think that—”
“She doesn’t think it’s her thing,” snaps Riggs.
“I’d like to see you just once, and if you still feel the same, then don’t come back,” says Eleanor, smiling. “Free of charge for the first session.”
I find myself nodding. “Tell you what, have this session,” says Riggs, heading for the door. “It’s clear we don’t need it.”
I stand to go after him, but Eleanor shakes her head. “He walks out a lot,” she says. “I challenge his thinking and he sometimes takes a breather. He’ll be back.”
“He’s so hot headed,” I mutter.
“I imagine that can take its toll on your relationship.”
“Lately, I don’t know which Riggs will surface. Some days he’s amazing, and others, he can barely look at me. He used to be so in love with me, he’d suffocate me with affection.”
“Can you think back to a time in your relationship when that stopped?”
I nod. “The day I announced I was pregnant with Willow.”
“Did Riggs want a child?”
I shake my head. “We agreed to wait, but I was sick and missed the pill. It wasn’t intentional, but when I did the test, I thought he’d be pleased. Or at least, if he wasn’t, he’d come around to the idea.”
“And he didn’t?” she asks.
“No. He accused me of trying to trap him. Said I’d gotten pregnant on purpose. I’m sure he told you about Michelle and how she left him and Ziggy.” Eleanor nods. “So I understand why he panicked. He’s been through a lot.”
“It sounds like you have too,” she says. “Your ex doesn’t sound like a nice man.”
I haven’t thought about Reggie properly in such a long time. Since I left Riggs, I’ve started getting letters from him. I haven’t opened any, but I know his handwriting. I knew he’d resurface once I touched his money. The fact he has my address doesn’t even surprise me anymore. “He can’t hurt me anymore. He’ll never get out of prison again.”
“Sometimes, when men treat us badly, it can scar us in other ways.”
I shrug. “I’ve been mistreated by men most of my life, so I’m used to it.”
“When Finn let you down by accusing you of trapping him, that wasn’t a surprise to you?” she asks.
“It was,” I say. “But I guess him letting me down wasn’t. I thought he’d be happy when I told him. When it became clear he wasn’t going to come around, I realised he was just another arse to let me down. But I got over it. I’m a good mum, and Willow and Malia will be fine. I used to think I needed a man in my life, but I’m seeing now that I don’t.”
“Do you have contact with Reggie?”
I shake my head. “He writes, but I don’t open his letters.”
“Does Finn know about the letters?” she asks and I shake my head again. “How would he react to that news?”
“Right now?” I ask and she nods. “He wouldn’t care.”
“Why do you think he asked you to come to this session?”
I shrug. “Maybe so he can say he tried. The old ladies at the club give him hassle about our break-up. They blame him. It was both of us, but they blame him.”
“Both of you?” she asks.
“I should have taken
