‘Would Mr Darcy then consider the rashness of your
original intention as atoned for by your obstinacy in
adhering to it?’ asked Elizabeth playfully.
‘Upon my word, I cannot explain the matter. Darcy
must speak for himself.’
I laid down my quill, all thoughts of my letter forgotten.
‘You expect me to account for opinions which you
choose to call mine, but which I have never acknowledged,’ I said with a smile.
‘To yield readily to the persuasion of a friend is no
merit with you,’ said Elizabeth.
Despite myself, I was drawn into her banter.
‘To yield without conviction is no compliment to the
understanding of either,’ I returned.
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‘You appear to me, Mr Darcy, to allow nothing for the
influence of friendship and affection.’
I saw Caroline looking horrified at our exchange, but
I was enjoying Elizabeth’s stimulating conversation.
‘Will it not be advisable to arrange the degree of intimacy subsisting between the parties before we decide?’ I
asked her.
‘By all means,’ cried Bingley. ‘Let us have all the particulars, not forgetting their comparative height and size,
for I assure you that if Darcy were not such a great tall
fellow I should not pay him half so much deference. I
declare I do not know a more awful object than Darcy,
at his own house especially, and of a Sunday evening
when he has nothing to do.’
I smiled, but I was offended nonetheless. I feared there
was a grain of truth in what Bingley said, and I did not
want Elizabeth to know it.
Elizabeth looked as though she would like to laugh,
but did not. I hope she is not afraid of me. But no. If
she was afraid of me, she would not laugh at me so
much!
‘I see your design, Bingley,’ I said, turning his remark
aside. ‘You dislike an argument, and want to silence this.’
‘Perhaps I do,’ Bingley admitted.
The liveliness had gone out of the conversation, and
an awkwardness prevailed. Elizabeth returned to her
needlework, and I returned to my letter.The clock ticked
on the mantelpiece. I finished my letter and put it aside.
The silence continued.
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To break it, I asked the ladies to favour us with some
music. Caroline and Louisa sang, and I found my gaze
wandering to Elizabeth. She is like no woman I have ever
met before. She is not beautiful, and yet I find I would
rather look at her face than any other. She is not gracious, and yet her manners please me better than any I
have met with. She is not learned, and yet she has an
intelligence that makes her a lively debater, and renders
her conversation stimulating. It is a long time since I have
had to fence with words, indeed I am not sure I have ever
done it before, and yet with her I am frequently engaged
in a duel of wits.
Caroline began to play a lively Scotch air, and moved
by a sudden impulse I said,‘Do not you feel a great inclination, Miss Bennet, to seize such an opportunity of
dancing a reel?’
She smiled, but did not answer. I found her silence
enigmatic. Is she a sphinx, sent to torment me? She must
be, for my thoughts are not usually so poetic.
Instead of disgusting me, however, her silence only
inflamed me more, and I repeated my question.
‘Oh,’ she said, ‘I heard you before; but could not
immediately determine what to say in reply.You wanted
me, I know, to say “Yes”, that you might have the pleasure of despising my taste; but I always delight in overthrowing those kind of schemes. I have therefore made
up my mind to tell you, that I do not want to dance a
reel at all – and now despise me if you dare.’
Did I really seem so perverse to her? I wondered.And
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yet I could not help smiling at her sally, and her bravery
in uttering it.
‘Indeed I do not dare,’ I said.
She looked surprised, as though she had expected a
cutting retort, and I was glad to have surprised her, the
more so because she is forever surprising me.
I find her quite bewitching, and if it were not for the
inferiority of her station in life I believe I might be in
some danger, for I have never been so captivated by a
woman in my life.
It was Caroline’s intervention that broke my train of
thought and prevented me from saying something I
might later have regretted.
‘I hope your sister is not feeling too poorly,’ said Caroline.‘I think I must go up to her room and see how she
does.’
‘I will come with you,’ said Elizabeth. ‘Poor Jane. I
have left her alone too long.’
They went upstairs, and I was left to wonder whether
Caroline had turned Elizabeth’s attention to her sister
deliberately, and to think how close I had come to
betraying my feelings.
Friday 15th November
It was a fine morning, and Caroline and I took a walk in
the shrubbery.
‘I wish you very happy in your marriage,’ she said as
we strolled along the path.
I wish she would leave the subject, but I fear there is
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little chance of that. She has been teasing me about my
supposed marriage for days.
‘I hope, though, that you will give your mother-inlaw a few hints, when this desirable event takes place, as
to the advantage of holding her tongue; and if you can
compass it, do cure the younger girls of running after the
officers.’
I smiled, but I was annoyed. She had hit on the very
reason I could not pursue my feelings. I could never have
Mrs Bennet for a mother-in-law. It would be insupportable.And as for the younger girls, to make them sisters to
Georgiana – no, it could not be done.
‘Have you anything else to propose for my domestic
felicity?’ I asked, not letting her see my irritation, for it
would only make her worse.
‘Do let the portraits of your uncle and aunt Philips be
placed in the
