The Merry Wives of Windsor

epub:type="z3998:persona">Ford That, indeed, Sir John, is my business. Falstaff Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her house the hour she appointed me. Ford And how sped you, sir? Falstaff Very ill-favouredly, Master Brook. Ford How so, sir? did she change her determination? Falstaff No. Master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual ’larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither provoked and instigated by his distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife’s love. Ford What! while you were there? Falstaff While I was there. Ford And did he search for you, and could not find you? Falstaff You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford’s approach; and, in her invention and Ford’s wife’s distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket. Ford A buck-basket! Falstaff By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy napkins, that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril. Ford And how long lay you there? Falstaff Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford’s knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to Datchet-lane; they took me on their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the door; who asked them once or twice what they had in their basket. I quaked for fear lest the lunatic knave would have searched it; but Fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first, an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous rotten bellwether; next, to be compassed like a good bilbo in the circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease: think of that; a man of my kidney, think of that, that am as subject to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw: it was a miracle to ’scape suffocation. And in the height of this bath, when I was more than half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot, in that surge, like a horseshoe; think of that, hissing hot, think of that, Master Brook! Ford In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit, then, is desperate; you’ll undertake her no more. Falstaff Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding; I have received from her another embassy of meeting; ’twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook. Ford ’Tis past eight already, sir. Falstaff Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall know how I speed, and the conclusion shall be crowned with your enjoying her: adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. Exit Falstaff. Ford Hum! ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I sleep? Master Ford, awake; awake, Master Ford. There’s a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford. This ’tis to be married; this ’tis to have linen and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself what I am; I will now take the lecher; he is at my house. He cannot scape me; ’tis impossible he should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse, nor into a pepper box; but, lest the devil that guides him should aid him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not, shall not make me tame; if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go with me; I’ll be horn-mad. Exit.

Act IV

Scene I

A street before the house of Mistress Page.

	Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Quickly, and William.
Mistress Page	Is he at Master Ford’s already, think’st thou?
Mistress Quickly	Sure he is by this; or will be presently; but truly he is very courageous mad about his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires you to come suddenly.
Mistress Page	I’ll be with her by and by; I’ll but bring my young man here to school. Look where his master comes; ’tis a playing day, I see.
	Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
	How now, Sir Hugh, no school today?
Sir Hugh Evans	No; Master Slender is let the boys leave to play.
Mistress Quickly	Blessing of his heart!
Mistress Page	Sir Hugh, my husband says my son profits nothing in the world at his book; I pray you ask him some questions in his accidence.
Sir Hugh Evans	Come hither, William; hold up your head; come.
Mistress Page	Come on, sirrah; hold up your head; answer your master; be not afraid.
Sir Hugh Evans	William, how many numbers is in nouns?
William	Two
Mistress Quickly	Truly, I thought there had been one number more, because they say “Od’s nouns.”
Sir Hugh Evans	Peace your tattlings! What is “fair,” William?
William	Pulcher.
Mistress Quickly	Polecats! There are fairer things than polecats, sure.
Sir Hugh Evans	You are a very simplicity ’oman; I pray you, peace. What is “lapis,” William?
William	A stone.
Sir Hugh Evans	And what is “a stone,” William?
William	A pebble.
Sir Hugh Evans	No, it is “lapis”; I pray you remember in your prain.
William	Lapis.
Sir Hugh Evans	That is a good William. What is he, William, that does lend articles?
William	Articles are borrowed