The Merry Wives of Windsor

Page Ay, in good sadness is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence. Mistress Ford We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it as they did last time. Mistress Page Nay, but he’ll be here presently; let’s go dress him like the witch of Brainford. Mistress Ford I’ll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up; I’ll bring linen for him straight. Mistress Page Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough. Exit Mistress Ford.

We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry and yet honest too.
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
’Tis old but true: “Still swine eats all the draff.”

Exit. Re-enter Mistress Ford, with two Servants. Mistress Ford Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch. Exit Mistress Ford with linen from cupboard. First Servant Come, come, take it up. Second Servant Pray heaven, it be not full of knight again. First Servant I hope not; I had lief as bear so much lead. They lift the basket. Enter Ford, Page, Justice Shallow, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans. Ford Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again? The basket catches his eye. Set down the basket, villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O you panderly rascals! there’s a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be shamed. Chokes. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth! behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching! Page Why, this passes, Master Ford! you are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinioned. Sir Hugh Evans Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog. Justice Shallow Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed. Ford So say I too, sir.⁠— Re-enter Mistress Ford. Come hither, Mistress Ford, pointing the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband! She confronts him. I suspect without cause, Mistress, do I? Mistress Ford Calm. Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty. Ford Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah. Pulling clothes out of the basket in a fury. Page This passes! Mistress Ford Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes alone. Ford I shall find you anon. Sir Hugh Evans ’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife’s clothes? To the others. Come away. Ford To the servants. Empty the basket, I say! Mistress Ford Why, man, why? Ford Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is; my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck me out all the linen. Page assists him. Mistress Ford If you find a man there, he shall die a flea’s death. Page Here’s no man. He overturns the empty basket. Justice Shallow By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this wrongs you. Sir Hugh Evans Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart; this is jealousies. Ford Well, he’s not here I seek for. Page No, nor nowhere else but in your brain. Exit Servants, carrying away the basket. Ford Help to search my house this one time. If I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let me forever be your table-sport; let them say of me “As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his wife’s leman.” Satisfy me once more; once more search with me. Mistress Ford What, hoa, Mistress Page! Come you and the old woman down; my husband will come into the chamber. Ford Old woman? what old woman’s that? Mistress Ford Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brainford. Ford A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not know what’s brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our element. We know nothing. He takes down his cudgel from the wall. Come down, you witch, you hag you; come down, I say! Mistress Ford Nay, good sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman. Re-enter Falstaff in woman’s clothes, led by Mistress Page. He hesitates. Mistress Page Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand. Ford I’ll prat her.⁠—Falstaff runs; Ford cudgels. Out of my door, you witch, you rag, you baggage, you polecat, you ronyon! Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll fortune-tell you. Exit Falstaff. Mistress Page Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed the poor woman. Mistress Ford Nay, he will do it. ’Tis a goodly credit for you. Ford Hang her, witch! Sir Hugh Evans By yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch indeed; I like not when a ’oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard under her muffler. Ford Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you follow; see but the issue of my jealousy; if I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again. Page Let’s obey his humour a little further. Come, gentlemen. Exeunt Ford, Page, Justice Shallow, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans. Mistress Page Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. Mistress Ford Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully methought. Mistress Page I’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o’er the altar; it hath done meritorious service. Mistress Ford What think you? May we, with the warrant