The Importance of Being Earnest

Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible? Jack Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax? Gwendolen I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism. Moving to Cecily. Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing’s. That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it. Cecily I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said. His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity. Gwendolen Then you think we should forgive them? Cecily Yes. I mean no. Gwendolen True! I had forgotten. There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender. Which of us should tell them? The task is not a pleasant one. Cecily Could we not both speak at the same time? Gwendolen An excellent idea! I nearly always speak at the same time as other people. Will you take the time from me? Cecily Certainly. Gwendolen beats time with uplifted finger. Gwendolen and Cecily Speaking together. Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier. That is all! Jack and Algernon Speaking together. Our Christian names! Is that all? But we are going to be christened this afternoon. Gwendolen To Jack. For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing? Jack I am. Cecily To Algernon. To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal? Algernon I am! Gwendolen How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes! Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us. Jack We are. Clasps hands with Algernon. Cecily They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing. Gwendolen To Jack. Darling! Algernon To Cecily. Darling! They fall into each other’s arms. Enter Merriman. When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situation. Merriman Ahem! Ahem! Lady Bracknell! Jack Good heavens! Enter Lady Bracknell. The couples separate in alarm. Exit Merriman. Lady Bracknell Gwendolen! What does this mean? Gwendolen Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, mamma. Lady Bracknell Come here. Sit down. Sit down immediately. Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old. Turns to Jack. Apprised, sir, of my daughter’s sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her at once by a luggage train. Her unhappy father is, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent income on Thought. I do not propose to undeceive him. Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question. I would consider it wrong. But of course, you will clearly understand that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment. On this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm. Jack I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen Lady Bracknell! Lady Bracknell You are nothing of the kind, sir. And now, as regards Algernon!⁠ ⁠… Algernon! Algernon Yes, Aunt Augusta. Lady Bracknell May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides? Algernon Stammering. Oh! No! Bunbury doesn’t live here. Bunbury is somewhere else at present. In fact, Bunbury is dead. Lady Bracknell Dead! When did Mr. Bunbury die? His death must have been extremely sudden. Algernon Airily. Oh! I killed Bunbury this afternoon. I mean poor Bunbury died this afternoon. Lady Bracknell What did he die of? Algernon Bunbury? Oh, he was quite exploded. Lady Bracknell Exploded! Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage? I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation. If so, he is well punished for his morbidity. Algernon My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out! The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean⁠—so Bunbury died. Lady Bracknell He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians. I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice. And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to me a peculiarly unnecessary manner? Jack That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward. Lady Bracknell bows coldly to Cecily. Algernon I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta. Lady Bracknell I beg your pardon? Cecily Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell. Lady Bracknell With a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting down. I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid down for our guidance. I think some preliminary inquiry on my part would not be out of place. Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger railway stations in London? I merely desire information. Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons whose origin was a Terminus. Jack looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself. Jack In a clear, cold voice. Miss Cardew is the granddaughter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square, S. W.; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N. B. Lady Bracknell That sounds not unsatisfactory. Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen. But what proof have I of their authenticity? Jack I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the period. They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell. Lady Bracknell Grimly. I have known strange errors in that publication. Jack Miss Cardew’s family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, and Markby. Lady Bracknell Markby, Markby, and Markby? A firm of