The Importance of Being Earnest

will not be very long before you are of age and free from the restraints of tutelage. So I don’t think your guardian’s consent is, after all, a matter of any importance. Jack Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, but it is only fair to tell you that according to the terms of her grandfather’s will Miss Cardew does not come legally of age till she is thirty-five. Lady Bracknell That does not seem to me to be a grave objection. Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now. I see no reason why our dear Cecily should not be even still more attractive at the age you mention than she is at present. There will be a large accumulation of property. Cecily Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five? Algernon Of course I could, Cecily. You know I could. Cecily Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn’t wait all that time. I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody. It always makes me rather cross. I am not punctual myself, I know, but I do like punctuality in others, and waiting, even to be married, is quite out of the question. Algernon Then what is to be done, Cecily? Cecily I don’t know, Mr. Moncrieff. Lady Bracknell My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five⁠—a remark which I am bound to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient nature⁠—I would beg of you to reconsider your decision. Jack But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own hands. The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward. Lady Bracknell Rising and drawing herself up. You must be quite aware that what you propose is out of the question. Jack Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to. Lady Bracknell That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen. Algernon, of course, can choose for himself. Pulls out her watch. Come, dear, Gwendolen rises we have already missed five, if not six, trains. To miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform. Enter Dr. Chasuble. Chasuble Everything is quite ready for the christenings. Lady Bracknell The christenings, sir! Is not that somewhat premature? Chasuble Looking rather puzzled, and pointing to Jack and Algernon. Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism. Lady Bracknell At their age? The idea is grotesque and irreligious! Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized. I will not hear of such excesses. Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was the way in which you wasted your time and money. Chasuble Am I to understand then that there are to be no christenings at all this afternoon? Jack I don’t think that, as things are now, it would be of much practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble. Chasuble I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing. They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons. However, as your present mood seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the church at once. Indeed, I have just been informed by the pew-opener that for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the vestry. Lady Bracknell Starting. Miss Prism! Did I hear you mention a Miss Prism? Chasuble Yes, Lady Bracknell. I am on my way to join her. Lady Bracknell Pray allow me to detain you for a moment. This matter may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and myself. Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely connected with education? Chasuble Somewhat indignantly. She is the most cultivated of ladies, and the very picture of respectability. Lady Bracknell It is obviously the same person. May I ask what position she holds in your household? Chasuble Severely. I am a celibate, madam. Jack Interposing. Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last three years Miss Cardew’s esteemed governess and valued companion. Lady Bracknell In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at once. Let her be sent for. Chasuble Looking off. She approaches; she is nigh. Enter Miss Prism hurriedly. Miss Prism I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon. I have been waiting for you there for an hour and three-quarters. Catches sight of Lady Bracknell, who has fixed her with a stony glare. Miss Prism grows pale and quails. She looks anxiously round as if desirous to escape. Lady Bracknell In a severe, judicial voice. Prism! Miss Prism bows her head in shame. Come here, Prism! Miss Prism approaches in a humble manner. Prism! Where is that baby? General consternation. The Canon starts back in horror. Algernon and Jack pretend to be anxious to shield Cecily and Gwendolen from hearing the details of a terrible public scandal. Twenty-eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell’s house, Number 104, Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a perambulator that contained a baby of the male sex. You never returned. A few weeks later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of Bayswater. It contained the manuscript of a three-volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality. Miss Prism starts in involuntary indignation. But the baby was not there! Everyone looks at Miss Prism. Prism! Where is that baby? A pause. Miss Prism Lady Bracknell, I admit