The Importance of Being Earnest

men in London as it is. How old are you? Jack Twenty-nine. Lady Bracknell A very good age to be married at. I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing. Which do you know? Jack After some hesitation. I know nothing, Lady Bracknell. Lady Bracknell I am pleased to hear it. I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square. What is your income? Jack Between seven and eight thousand a year. Lady Bracknell Makes a note in her book. In land, or in investments? Jack In investments, chiefly. Lady Bracknell That is satisfactory. What between the duties expected of one during one’s lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one’s death, land has ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure. It gives one position, and prevents one from keeping it up. That’s all that can be said about land. Jack I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, about fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don’t depend on that for my real income. In fact, as far as I can make out, the poachers are the only people who make anything out of it. Lady Bracknell A country house! How many bedrooms? Well, that point can be cleared up afterwards. You have a town house, I hope? A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected to reside in the country. Jack Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year to Lady Bloxham. Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, at six months’ notice. Lady Bracknell Lady Bloxham? I don’t know her. Jack Oh, she goes about very little. She is a lady considerably advanced in years. Lady Bracknell Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of character. What number in Belgrave Square? Jack 149. Lady Bracknell Shaking her head. The unfashionable side. I thought there was something. However, that could easily be altered. Jack Do you mean the fashion, or the side? Lady Bracknell Sternly. Both, if necessary, I presume. What are your politics? Jack Well, I am afraid I really have none. I am a Liberal Unionist. Lady Bracknell Oh, they count as Tories. They dine with us. Or come in the evening, at any rate. Now to minor matters. Are your parents living? Jack I have lost both my parents. Lady Bracknell To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Who was your father? He was evidently a man of some wealth. Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy? Jack I am afraid I really don’t know. The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents. It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me⁠ ⁠… I don’t actually know who I am by birth. I was⁠ ⁠… well, I was found. Lady Bracknell Found! Jack The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the time. Worthing is a place in Sussex. It is a seaside resort. Lady Bracknell Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you? Jack Gravely. In a handbag. Lady Bracknell A handbag? Jack Very seriously. Yes, Lady Bracknell. I was in a handbag⁠—a somewhat large, black leather handbag, with handles to it⁠—an ordinary handbag in fact. Lady Bracknell In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas, Cardew come across this ordinary handbag? Jack In the cloakroom at Victoria Station. It was given to him in mistake for his own. Lady Bracknell The cloakroom at Victoria Station? Jack Yes. The Brighton line. Lady Bracknell The line is immaterial. Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me. To be born, or at any rate bred, in a handbag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution. And I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to? As for the particular locality in which the handbag was found, a cloakroom at a railway station might serve to conceal a social indiscretion⁠—has probably, indeed, been used for that purpose before now⁠—but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a recognised position in good society. Jack May I ask you then what you would advise me to do? I need hardly say I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen’s happiness. Lady Bracknell I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over. Jack Well, I don’t see how I could possibly manage to do that. I can produce the handbag at any moment. It is in my dressing-room at home. I really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell. Lady Bracknell Me, sir! What has it to do with me? You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter⁠—a girl brought up with the utmost care⁠—to marry into a cloakroom, and form an alliance with a parcel? Good morning, Mr. Worthing! Lady Bracknell sweeps out in majestic indignation. Jack Good morning! Algernon, from the other room, strikes up the Wedding March. Jack looks perfectly furious, and goes to the door. For goodness’