The Importance of Being Earnest

child, these speculations are profitless. Cecily Smiling. But I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through the garden. Miss Prism Rising and advancing. Dr. Chasuble! This is indeed a pleasure. Enter Canon Chasuble. Chasuble And how are we this morning? Miss Prism, you are, I trust, well? Cecily Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache. I think it would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you in the Park, Dr. Chasuble. Miss Prism Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a headache. Cecily No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had a headache. Indeed I was thinking about that, and not about my German lesson, when the Rector came in. Chasuble I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive. Cecily Oh, I am afraid I am. Chasuble That is strange. Were I fortunate enough to be Miss Prism’s pupil, I would hang upon her lips. Miss Prism glares. I spoke metaphorically.⁠—My metaphor was drawn from bees. Ahem! Mr. Worthing, I suppose, has not returned from town yet? Miss Prism We do not expect him till Monday afternoon. Chasuble Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday in London. He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as, by all accounts, that unfortunate young man his brother seems to be. But I must not disturb Egeria and her pupil any longer. Miss Prism Egeria? My name is Lætitia, Doctor. Chasuble Bowing. A classical allusion merely, drawn from the Pagan authors. I shall see you both no doubt at Evensong? Miss Prism I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll with you. I find I have a headache after all, and a walk might do it good. Chasuble With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure. We might go as far as the schools and back. Miss Prism That would be delightful. Cecily, you will read your Political Economy in my absence. The chapter on the Fall of the Rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational. Even these metallic problems have their melodramatic side. Goes down the garden with Dr. Chasuble. Cecily Picks up books and throws them back on table. Horrid Political Economy! Horrid Geography! Horrid, horrid German! Enter Merriman with a card on a salver. Merriman Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station. He has brought his luggage with him. Cecily Takes the card and reads it. “Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany, W.” Uncle Jack’s brother! Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town? Merriman Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed. I mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment. Cecily Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here. I suppose you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him. Merriman Yes, Miss. Merriman goes off. Cecily I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like everyone else. Enter Algernon, very gay and debonnair. He does! Algernon Raising his hat. You are my little cousin Cecily, I’m sure. Cecily You are under some strange mistake. I am not little. In fact, I believe I am more than usually tall for my age. Algernon is rather taken aback. But I am your cousin Cecily. You, I see from your card, are Uncle Jack’s brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest. Algernon Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily. You mustn’t think that I am wicked. Cecily If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy. Algernon Looks at her in amazement. Oh! Of course I have been rather reckless. Cecily I am glad to hear it. Algernon In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way. Cecily I don’t think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant. Algernon It is much pleasanter being here with you. Cecily I can’t understand how you are here at all. Uncle Jack won’t be back till Monday afternoon. Algernon That is a great disappointment. I am obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning. I have a business appointment that I am anxious⁠ ⁠… to miss? Cecily Couldn’t you miss it anywhere but in London? Algernon No: the appointment is in London. Cecily Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a business engagement, if one wants to retain any sense of the beauty of life, but still I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack arrives. I know he wants to speak to you about your emigrating. Algernon About my what? Cecily Your emigrating. He has gone up to buy your outfit. Algernon I certainly wouldn’t let Jack buy my outfit. He has no taste in neckties at all. Cecily I don’t think you will require neckties. Uncle Jack is sending you to Australia. Algernon Australia! I’d sooner die. Cecily Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, that you would have to choose between this world, the next world, and Australia. Algernon Oh, well! The accounts I have received of Australia and the next world, are not particularly encouraging. This world is good enough for me, cousin Cecily. Cecily Yes, but are you good enough for it? Algernon I’m afraid I’m not that. That is why I want you to reform me. You might make that your mission, if you don’t mind, cousin Cecily. Cecily I’m afraid I’ve no time, this afternoon. Algernon Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon? Cecily It is rather quixotic of you. But I think you should try. Algernon I will. I feel better already. Cecily You are looking a little worse. Algernon That is because I am hungry. Cecily How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome meals.