The Importance of Being Earnest

Poor Jenkins the carter, a most hardworking man. Jack Oh! I don’t see much fun in being christened along with other babies. It would be childish. Would half-past five do? Chasuble Admirably! Admirably! Takes out watch. And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise. Miss Prism This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind. Enter Cecily from the house. Cecily Uncle Jack! Oh, I am pleased to see you back. But what horrid clothes you have got on! Do go and change them. Miss Prism Cecily! Chasuble My child! my child! Cecily goes towards Jack; he kisses her brow in a melancholy manner. Cecily What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look happy! You look as if you had toothache, and I have got such a surprise for you. Who do you think is in the dining-room? Your brother! Jack Who? Cecily Your brother Ernest. He arrived about half an hour ago. Jack What nonsense! I haven’t got a brother. Cecily Oh, don’t say that. However badly he may have behaved to you in the past he is still your brother. You couldn’t be so heartless as to disown him. I’ll tell him to come out. And you will shake hands with him, won’t you, Uncle Jack? Runs back into the house. Chasuble These are very joyful tidings. Miss Prism After we had all been resigned to his loss, his sudden return seems to me peculiarly distressing. Jack My brother is in the dining-room? I don’t know what it all means. I think it is perfectly absurd. Enter Algernon and Cecily hand in hand. They come slowly up to Jack. Jack Good heavens! Motions Algernon away. Algernon Brother John, I have come down from town to tell you that I am very sorry for all the trouble I have given you, and that I intend to lead a better life in the future. Jack glares at him and does not take his hand. Cecily Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your own brother’s hand? Jack Nothing will induce me to take his hand. I think his coming down here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well why. Cecily Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some good in everyone. Ernest has just been telling me about his poor invalid friend Mr. Bunbury whom he goes to visit so often. And surely there must be much good in one who is kind to an invalid, and leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed of pain. Jack Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury, has he? Cecily Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury, and his terrible state of health. Jack Bunbury! Well, I won’t have him talk to you about Bunbury or about anything else. It is enough to drive one perfectly frantic. Algernon Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side. But I must say that I think that Brother John’s coldness to me is peculiarly painful. I expected a more enthusiastic welcome, especially considering it is the first time I have come here. Cecily Uncle Jack, if you don’t shake hands with Ernest I will never forgive you. Jack Never forgive me? Cecily Never, never, never! Jack Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it. Shakes with Algernon and glares. Chasuble It’s pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation? I think we might leave the two brothers together. Miss Prism Cecily, you will come with us. Cecily Certainly, Miss Prism. My little task of reconciliation is over. Chasuble You have done a beautiful action today, dear child. Miss Prism We must not be premature in our judgments. Cecily I feel very happy. They all go off except Jack and Algernon. Jack You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of this place as soon as possible. I don’t allow any Bunburying here. Enter Merriman. Merriman I have put Mr. Ernest’s things in the room next to yours, sir. I suppose that is all right? Jack What? Merriman Mr. Ernest’s luggage, sir. I have unpacked it and put it in the room next to your own. Jack His luggage? Merriman Yes, sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing-case, two hatboxes, and a large luncheon-basket. Algernon I am afraid I can’t stay more than a week this time. Jack Merriman, order the dogcart at once. Mr. Ernest has been suddenly called back to town. Merriman Yes, sir. Goes back into the house. Algernon What a fearful liar you are, Jack. I have not been called back to town at all. Jack Yes, you have. Algernon I haven’t heard anyone call me. Jack Your duty as a gentleman calls you back. Algernon My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree. Jack I can quite understand that. Algernon Well, Cecily is a darling. Jack You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that. I don’t like it. Algernon Well, I don’t like your clothes. You look perfectly ridiculous in them. Why on earth don’t you go up and change? It is perfectly childish to be in deep mourning for a man who is actually staying for a whole week with you in your house as a guest. I call it grotesque. Jack You are certainly not staying with me for a whole week as a guest or anything else. You have got to leave⁠ ⁠… by the four-five train. Algernon I certainly won’t leave you so long as you are in mourning. It would be most unfriendly. If I were in mourning you would stay with me, I suppose. I should think it very unkind if you didn’t. Jack Well, will you go if I change my clothes? Algernon Yes, if you are not too long. I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result. Jack Well, at any rate, that is better than being always overdressed as you are. Algernon If I am occasionally a little overdressed, I make up for it by