The Importance of Being Earnest

to do so. Mamma has a way of coming back suddenly into a room that I have often had to speak to her about. Jack Nervously. Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I have admired you more than any girl⁠ ⁠… I have ever met since⁠ ⁠… I met you. Gwendolen Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact. And I often wish that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative. For me you have always had an irresistible fascination. Even before I met you I was far from indifferent to you. Jack looks at her in amazement. We live, as I hope you know, Mr. Worthing, in an age of ideals. The fact is constantly mentioned in the more expensive monthly magazines, and has reached the provincial pulpits, I am told; and my ideal has always been to love someone of the name of Ernest. There is something in that name that inspires absolute confidence. The moment Algernon first mentioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you. Jack You really love me, Gwendolen? Gwendolen Passionately! Jack Darling! You don’t know how happy you’ve made me. Gwendolen My own Ernest! Jack But you don’t really mean to say that you couldn’t love me if my name wasn’t Ernest? Gwendolen But your name is Ernest. Jack Yes, I know it is. But supposing it was something else? Do you mean to say you couldn’t love me then? Gwendolen Glibly. Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them. Jack Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don’t much care about the name of Ernest⁠ ⁠… I don’t think the name suits me at all. Gwendolen It suits you perfectly. It is a divine name. It has a music of its own. It produces vibrations. Jack Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names. I think Jack, for instance, a charming name. Gwendolen Jack?⁠ ⁠… No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed. It does not thrill. It produces absolutely no vibrations⁠ ⁠… I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain. Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John! And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John. She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment’s solitude. The only really safe name is Ernest. Jack Gwendolen, I must get christened at once⁠—I mean we must get married at once. There is no time to be lost. Gwendolen Married, Mr. Worthing? Jack Astounded. Well⁠ ⁠… surely. You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me. Gwendolen I adore you. But you haven’t proposed to me yet. Nothing has been said at all about marriage. The subject has not even been touched on. Jack Well⁠ ⁠… may I propose to you now? Gwendolen I think it would be an admirable opportunity. And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly beforehand that I am fully determined to accept you. Jack Gwendolen! Gwendolen Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me? Jack You know what I have got to say to you. Gwendolen Yes, but you don’t say it. Jack Gwendolen, will you marry me? Goes on his knees. Gwendolen Of course I will, darling. How long you have been about it! I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose. Jack My own one, I have never loved anyone in the world but you. Gwendolen Yes, but men often propose for practice. I know my brother Gerald does. All my girlfriends tell me so. What wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest! They are quite, quite, blue. I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially when there are other people present. Enter Lady Bracknell. Lady Bracknell Mr. Worthing! Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture. It is most indecorous. Gwendolen Mamma! He tries to rise; she restrains him. I must beg you to retire. This is no place for you. Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet. Lady Bracknell Finished what, may I ask? Gwendolen I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma. They rise together. Lady Bracknell Pardon me, you are not engaged to anyone. When you do become engaged to someone, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact. An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be. It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself⁠ ⁠… And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing. While I am making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage. Gwendolen Reproachfully. Mamma! Lady Bracknell In the carriage, Gwendolen! Gwendolen goes to the door. She and Jack blow kisses to each other behind Lady Bracknell’s back. Lady Bracknell looks vaguely about as if she could not understand what the noise was. Finally turns round. Gwendolen, the carriage! Gwendolen Yes, mamma. Goes out, looking back at Jack. Lady Bracknell Sitting down. You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing. Looks in her pocket for notebook and pencil. Jack Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing. Lady Bracknell Pencil and notebook in hand. I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has. We work together, in fact. However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires. Do you smoke? Jack Well, yes, I must admit I smoke. Lady Bracknell I am glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation of some kind. There are far too many idle