“When did she leave?” I ask, holding my breath and entering full-blown panic mode.
“She got into Penn Station a few minutes ago. Depending on whether she’s taking a cab straight to you or taking the subway to Grand Central, she could be there any minute.”
“I have to go. Thanks for the heads-up.”
“Wait, wait, Kara!”
“What?” I ask.
“Is Ryan still there? Are you guys together?”
“Yes, and I think so.”
“Oh, my God! Did you have sex with him?” She sounds desperately curious and I’m too frenzied to lie.
“I did. Many times.”
“I love it! Call me ASAP. I want to know everything, positions included!”
“Gross, no!”
“Please?”
“Fine, goodbye.” I hang up the phone as horror continues to rock through my system. Mom could be knocking on the door at any given second.
Ryan smiles over at me without a care in the world. “Problem?”
“Yes, you have to get out.”
“What?”
“Go, you have to go. Right now!”
I sprint to his side of the bed and grab his arm, trying to drag him into a standing position by force. “You have to get up! My mom is on her way here.”
Ryan’s mouth twitches up, ready to start laughing, and his nonchalance only fuels my anxiety. I give his arm a fierce tug and, thanks to the adrenaline now pumping through my veins, I’m able to pull his half-naked form out of bed with less effort than I anticipated.
“Are you trying to tell me you don’t think I’m ready to see your mom again? Is it my outfit?”
I give him a frustrated look as I pick up some of his clothes from the floor and chuck them at him. Not appreciating his lack of urgency, I put my hands on my hips and glare at him, still only wearing his favorite college sweatshirt and T-shirt. His smile vanishes.
“Sullivan, you have never looked as sexy as you do right now.” He takes a determined step towards me and I jump back.
“No way!” I yell, holding out my arm. “Don’t even think about it!” He continues to advance, his eyes drinking me in. “I swear, take one step closer and I will maim you. I was a biter in preschool so I will not hesitate to fight dirty.”
He stops walking. “Okay, I’m sorry, I can’t control myself. You look way too good in that shirt. You should take it off. I’m a gentleman so I’ll help you.”
I manage a little laugh as I toss him his jeans. “Just take Duke for a walk, okay? A very long, far walk.”
“How far?”
“Miami.”
“I knew I should have packed his beach tent.” I give Ryan a pleading look and he finally starts to put on his pants. “All right, we’re going,” he says indulgently. “How long do you think your mom will stay?”
“I have no idea. I’ll call you when you can come back.” I proceed to rush through the room like a tornado, looking for anything I need to hide. Ryan’s bag, his clothes, his watch on my windowsill—they all need to go.
“Do you even have my phone number saved?” I hear him ask.
I grab my cell phone from the bed, unlocking the screen and tossing it to him. “Program it in for me.”
He takes the phone and disappears into the living room as I check the bathroom. It’s clear. I dart into the living room next and Ryan is sitting on the reading chair, tying the laces of his sneakers.
“Not to stress you out further, but is there a reason why you’re getting so worked up over this?”
“I don’t know,” I answer, barely sparing him a glance as I start tidying up the space as fast as humanly possible. “I just need everything to look perfect. My apartment is one of the few things my mom actually likes about me.”
I’m in such a state that I don’t notice Ryan getting up. I actually almost forget he’s there until he puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me around to face him.
“Okay, I need you to take a breath for a second.”
“I don’t have time—”
“Ah, ah, ah,” he says cutting me off. “Just one breath, a deep one, looking at me. Ready, set, deep breath...”
He takes a long inhale and I find myself involuntarily doing the same, feeling my heartbeat slow down just the slightest bit.
“Now talk to me,” he says. “Why are you freaking out?” His hands are still on my shoulders and are now applying comforting squeezes. It’s nice. Really nice.
I force myself to stay put for one more second even though I’m still wondering if I should just stiff-arm him and move on. “It’s hard to explain things with my mom. She’s amazing and she’s given everything she’s had to taking care of Jen and me, but she’s also very critical, particularly of me. And as much as I pretend like I don’t care, I want to impress her. I always want to impress her but no matter what I do, she always finds fault with me.”
“What else could she possibly find fault with? Besides you being a blanket hog and a terrible judge of men’s dance skills, you’re close to perfect.”
I chuckle as my welling panic starts to dissipate, replaced instead with the typical sense of mediocrity that creeps in right before or right after I see my mom.
“She wants me to be the best version of myself, but the way she sees it. Fully confident, not as bookish, happily engaged to the heir of a Greek shipping tycoon.”
“That specific?”
“More or less.”
“Well,” Ryan says, still methodically squeezing and releasing my shoulders, “a wise woman once told me that we’ll never regret the times we talk to our parents, only the times we don’t. And I know I’m the last person who should be giving you advice, but you’re incredible, Kara. And if your mom doesn’t see that, she’s just not looking at you the right way.”
A too distant sensation of feeling truly happy in my own skin starts to sprout inside me, and I bring my hands up to
