She dropped her towel and crawled into bed with him, pushing her warm body up against him. He relaxed and reached for her, running his hands up and down her body and allowing himself to get lost in the moment again. But her words stayed with him for the remainder of the trip.
11
Kate
Pete, it’s me, again. I don’t know why I keep emailing you, it’s clear that you’re either not checking your messages or that you don’t want to respond. But I can hardly just forget about you and pretend you never existed. Is that what you want me to do? I keep waiting for you to get back into contact. Every day I wait for a call, a text, anything that tells me that you’re okay, that you’re thinking of us, that you’re coming back.
I’m still finding it hard to comprehend that you just upped and left us in limbo like this and I’ve been thinking about what made you do this. I can’t stop thinking about it. I know things weren’t great between us and hadn’t been for a long time but was I that much of an ogre that you couldn’t talk to me about it? I would have understood.
I accept that our marriage is in trouble, maybe it’s even over, I don’t know. But I do know that we need to talk. And we’ve got stuff to sort out. You can’t just walk away from us. Surely you know that? Please contact me. Please, Pete.
Kate sprinted across the hallway to answer the phone. She’d been sitting at the table doing the household accounts when it started ringing. Pete had been gone for over a month now but while her world stood still, trapped in this strange, surreal nightmare, the rest of life went on as usual. The outgoings continued to disappear from their account like nothing had happened, yet the income was zero. Since they’d had children, she’d taken his income for granted but she couldn’t live off their savings forever. Whatever happened in the future, she would need to start standing on her own two feet again. It was terrifying but at the same time, she found it strangely motivating. Looking at the Excel spreadsheet that she’d created on her laptop she was feeling more proactive than she had done in weeks.
The doctor had prescribed some sleeping pills, which had taken the edge off the insomnia and made her feel more human again. Unfortunately, with sleep came nightmares. There was a recurring one she had where Pete was hanging off the edge of a cliff and she was lying on her front, holding on to him and trying to pull him back. But she knew that she wasn’t strong enough. If she stayed holding on to him, she would eventually be pulled down with him. If she let go, he would plunge to his death, but she would save herself. In the end she always let go, and immediately after she would wake up in a clammy sweat, her heart racing. She would turn to look at the empty space in bed where he used to sleep before closing her eyes and breathe slowly to calm herself down. After a few minutes, she would come back to herself although she knew she wouldn’t sleep again that night. In the morning, the nightmares would be banished and she would put on her make-up and face the day. She was living a life of two halves – trying to pretend that everything was okay during the day and admitting that it was far from it at night.
She grabbed the receiver just before it stopped ringing. ‘Hello?’
‘Kate, hi, it’s Karen.’ Pete’s mum.
‘Oh, hi, Karen.’ She was the last person Kate had expected to hear from.
‘Look, I know I was short on the phone the other week. I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it. It’s just, it was a bit of a shock hearing from you after all this time.’
Kate was so surprised by the call she didn’t know how to respond at first. Finally, she replied, ‘Please don’t worry, I totally understand. I’m sorry to have bothered you.’
‘No, it’s not that. I’m glad you called. It’s just, well, it’s been hard for me, not being a part of Pete’s life, and the girls. But I always thought, as long as you’re all happy that’s what matters. So when you said he’d left, I was thrown. And bloody furious with him. You know his dad left me when my boys were young?’
‘I do.’
‘So I never thought Pete would do anything like that. He always acted like he was better than us all. But it turns out he’s not. And that, well, that was a shock.’
This was the longest conversation Kate had ever had with Karen. The call, and her honesty, had totally taken her aback. She felt herself welling up and hurriedly tried to compose herself.
‘Have you heard from him yet?’ Karen asked.
‘No, I’m afraid not.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that, Kate, I really am. How are the girls?’
The girls had asked about Pete almost constantly in the first few weeks – when will Daddy be back? Can we call him? Why isn’t he home yet? Each time she’d found an excuse. It was absolutely exhausting, and heart-breaking. But then something strange had happened. A few days ago, they’d stopped asking. It was as if they’d accepted that he wasn’t around and that was that. Children were so adaptable it was terrifying. Yet she was on constant alert, waiting for the inevitable questions to come again, trying to plan her response. At some point the business trip excuse wouldn’t wash anymore. She was going to have to tell them something else and she wasn’t quite ready for it yet.
‘The girls are okay. Well, Lily broke her leg, but to be honest she’s been absolutely loving it. She sits on the sofa, being waited on hand
