‘Oh poor love,’ Karen replied. ‘Pete broke his arm when he was a kid. Fell awkwardly during a football tackle. He was a right drama queen about it.’
Both women laughed.
‘How’s Maggie?’
‘Oh she’s fine, a bit of a green-eyed monster over the fact that Lily’s getting all the attention but other than that she’s her usual mischievous self.’
‘I was thinking,’ Karen said. She sounded nervous. ‘Well, I’d really love to see them. I know you’re not keen and I understand why. I wasn’t the best mother to Pete, I get that. But, well, they’re my grandchildren and I’ve changed, I really have. I guess age does that to you.’
Karen thought it was Kate who didn’t want to see her? Where did she get that idea from? ‘Karen, I’d love for you to meet the children. I’ve suggested it to Pete more than once. What made you think I wasn’t keen?’
‘Pete told me. He said that you didn’t want me to be in their lives.’
Fucking Pete. She felt another rush of anger towards him. What was he playing at, making her the baddie? It had all been him, not her. But inviting Karen into their lives now, wasn’t that a mistake? Surely the last thing she needed right now was a reminder of Pete in her life. And what would the girls say? Wouldn’t it confuse them and make them miss their dad even more? The whole thing seemed like a bad idea. She should just make the right noises about how lovely that would be and end the call without actually making any concrete plans.
But then, on a strange impulse she found herself saying, ‘I never said that, Karen. I’m so very sorry that you thought that. How about next weekend?’
After she had hung up the phone, she sat on the hallway floor for a minute, wondering what the hell she’d just done. Karen had been really pleased by the invitation and, after asking what kind of toys the girls were into at the moment, she’d hung up cheerily, telling Kate she couldn’t wait to see them all. What kind of idiot invites the estranged mother of their estranged husband to their home? Yet, despite how furious she was with Pete, the truth was that she wasn’t ready to let go of him and talking to his mum had made her feel connected to him. It had brought a strange and unexpected comfort and she realised that she still craved a link to Pete in her life. What a tangled web. She needed some wine.
Pouring herself a glass, she sat back down at the kitchen table and turned her attention to the spreadsheet again to distract herself. The girls would be back from Erin’s house, where they’d spent the afternoon, in an hour or so. Looking at the outgoings again, she kept focusing on Rachel’s salary. It was ridiculous to be paying that much for a nanny when she didn’t even work. The time had come to face reality: she didn’t need Rachel anymore. She’d been foolish to keep her on for so long as it was, she should have let her go years ago. But could she cope on her own with the children? The idea brought back the familiar feelings of fear and doubt. What would she do to entertain them? What would she cook for them every night? Would she be enough for them? She was a terrible mum, she was incompetent, she couldn’t handle the children on her own. It would be a disaster. She took another gulp of wine.
But then another, stronger voice entered her head. What is wrong with you? You love your children and they love you. What are you so afraid of? It was time to stop this bullshit. She’d been hiding from reality for so long that she barely knew herself anymore. Enough, she told herself. Enough.
On Monday, Rachel arrived at the usual time like clockwork.
‘Rachel, hi,’ Kate said from the kitchen, where she was making toast. ‘Lily is going to school today so I’m going to drive. Even Little Miss Crutch Champion probably won’t make the journey on foot. And perhaps we can have a coffee afterwards?’
‘Sure,’ Rachel said amenably as she started looking around for school bags, shoes and packed lunches.
‘All done and by the front door,’ Kate called out.
‘Impressive,’ Rachel replied with a laugh.
Together, the two women helped Lily into the car and drove the short journey to school. In the playground Lily’s friends flocked around her, oohing and aahing over her cast. Lily beamed and Kate felt a surge of pride. Her little girl was going to be just fine. She got back into the car with Rachel and they returned home, where Kate made them both a coffee. Sitting down at the kitchen table, she was feeling shaky with nerves but she might as well rip the plaster off.
‘Rachel, you know how much we all love you. Christ, you pretty much saved us when you came into our lives all those years ago.’
Rachel started to object but Kate held up her hand to stop her. ‘You know you did. And we will forever be grateful to you. I hope you know how important you are to us. But the fact is that things have changed a lot since then. And it’s not even about Pete. My girls aren’t babies anymore, they’re at school and let’s face it, I don’t even have a job. It’s time for me to finally accept a truth I should have accepted long ago. We love you but you’re a luxury that we simply can’t justify. I’m so sorry.’
She wasn’t sure what to expect from Rachel – anger, tears maybe – and she braced herself for the inevitable. Rachel had every right to be disappointed.
But instead she simply nodded and took Kate’s hand in her own. ‘I
