To the undetected ear, she could sound as though she were ready to give extreme praise, but I heard the way the tone of her voice went down when she said mother.
Everyone’s eyes are on Ava, smiles on their faces, but I can’t work out which ones are real or fake. Ava looks perfectly composed, the way she always does when all eyes are on her. Just like her daughter, she disguises her emotions perfectly for a crowd, but I’ve witnessed the other side of Ava. The side she can’t hide behind closed doors, where all her emotions are plastered across her face. It was no wonder Ava wasn’t keen on having Caitlin and I being friends because even as a young child I picked up on that vulnerability. I look at her perfectly composed face and wonder how fast her heart is beating beneath the black shimmery dress.
‘Mother.’ Caitlin turns her body to face Ava, who is situated at the other end of the table to her left. I see Ava shift ever so slightly. It is such a subtle move that no one else will have seen it, but because I have spent so many years studying her, I am in tune with the slightest move, the slightest reset of her body that others wouldn’t notice. Ava is feeling uncomfortable.
‘My mother, everyone.’ A small round of applause ripples around the table.
Caitlin bows her head and waits for the applause to die down before she continues. ‘My darling mother, who brought me up, who showed the ways in life. I know you will all know that my mother and I have not always seen eye to eye, and I know that sometimes she often wishes that I was another daughter entirely.’ Caitlin laughs loud and haughtily, and there’s a slight ripple of sniggers.
I look across at Ava, her face stone-like as she waits for Caitlin to continue. The room feels too hot and I pour myself a glass of water and drink some down. In my ear to my left I can hear Oscar mumbling about Caitlin needing to hog the spotlight as usual.
‘Mother, mother, mother. What would we all do without our mothers, eh? My mother, Ava, whom you all love and adore, lost her own mother recently. And I lost my grandmother, who was so very dear to me. Since that day just over a year ago when Josephine left this earth for another place…’ Caitlin looks down as though mourning the loss all over again.
Oscar makes a scoffing noise to my left and everyone’s eyes are on him momentarily as he manages to morph the scorn into a cough.
Caitlin links her hands in front of her. ‘… it has made me realise the true value of love and what happens to us when we lose that love, when that love is cruelly taken away from us. Granny was old, but she still died too young. And I miss her every day.’
‘Is she going to break into song?’ Oscar whispers.
‘Shh,’ I hiss back at him. Under normal circumstances, Oscar’s comment would have made me laugh, but I can only feel terror as I look on, helpless to what Caitlin could say next.
‘It has been a terrible year for me, without Granny, and I only wish she could be here today and in two weeks’ time when I marry Chuck. But I hope, Mama, that things have got better for you recently, that things are looking up. I’m marrying our dear family friend, and I hope the dream is now complete for you and you have everything you ever wanted and needed.’
I take a small intake of breath as I hear Caitlin’s voice break on the final word. I wonder who else has noticed. Ava opens her mouth slightly as though she is going to speak but doesn’t say anything.
‘Where is she going with this? This is car-crash viewing,’ Oscar hisses again.
I can no longer stand the suspense. Who knows where Caitlin is going with this. I know I need to wrap things up. I pick up my champagne glass, stand up and boldly say to the room, ‘To Josephine!’ and no sooner have the words left my mouth that the entire table stands up with glass in hand and a loud echoing out of sync, ‘To Josephine,’ erupts around the table. Everyone then quickly settles back down in their seats and a gentle hum of conversation begins. Caitlin is the last woman standing, a strained look is exchanged between mother and daughter before she sits down. Chuck places his hand on Caitlin’s and begins talking quietly in her ear; I imagine he is asking her if she is okay.
I’m not sure if the others picked up on the tension between Ava and Caitlin, or the hidden meaning behind Caitlin’s words. Or even that shocking break in her voice, something I have never seen or heard before. I hope diverting the attention to Josephine did the trick. Aside from the tension between Caitlin and Ava that has always been there, I can feel something else brewing. Caitlin showing the slightest hint of emotion only adds to the notion that changes are happening in more ways than I think. Like the loosening of a very tight knot that has once been so tightly bound, the secrets of what went on that summer night in Saxby are about to come unravelled.
20 Saxby House, Dorset, April 1990
We sat at the edge of the swimming pool, our feet dangling in the water. Caitlin and I were in our costumes, feeling more and more like women with our expanding chests and curvaceous hips. Caitlin’s body had changed more than mine, but I tried not to show my envy.
Josephine walked around the main garden, picking flowers and putting them in
