“I will, Mom.”
“If not for yourself, do it to honor Beth’s memory.”
I returned my gaze to the yard where we’d run in the sprinkler as little girls. Beth had been so full of life. And then she was gone, leaving only me to chase dreams for both of us.
I went upstairs to read more of Beth’s journal. Please, God, let there be something of use, I prayed silently as I trudged up our creaky stairs to my room.
On my bed, I opened Beth’s journal to the entry dated May thirtieth.
School is almost out. I don’t know what I’ll do when I can’t see him every day. I wish I could talk to Carlie about all of this, but she’d be devastated to know the truth. For one thing, she loves Luke. She has such a rich fantasy life that I’m sure she thinks we’re both going to marry the Paisley brothers and live happily ever after. If she knew what I’ve been doing all these months… I don’t even know what she’d do. Something like this is not even on her list of possibilities. She’s so much simpler than me. I could see her marrying Cole and living here the rest of her life. Cole would take good care of her so she could write books and become famous. I love her so much. She’s my best friend. But this? This she wouldn’t understand. Carlie’s like the rest of this town. She believes in the fairy tale of Luke and Beth, homecoming king and queen. We’re supposed to belong together. But he’s not who I want. I wish I did. I thought I did until Z came along.
I stopped reading. The fairy tale of Luke and Beth? Had she felt trapped by that expectation? The town sweetheart and the quarterback? Had the pressure of being Beth Webster driven her into a bad boy’s arms? I’d had no idea she felt that way. She always seemed to soak up the attention. I’d often wondered how she could stand everyone looking at her all the time when I’d preferred the shadows where I could be myself. Maybe she’d been more like me than I’d thought.
I’m a bad, selfish person. I never thought I was before. Mom always told me I’d been given so much in life that it meant I had to be kind and good. I was. Before this. Before I fell in love with the wrong boy. Now all I want is what I want and forget all the people it’ll hurt.
Who was he? This wrong boy? This bad boy?
I searched my memory, conjuring up faces of classmates, but no one came to mind. There had been an area behind the school known as the smoking area. The rebels hung out there, smoking, chewing tobacco, and smoking weed. I hadn’t gone back there, too afraid and shy. Sometimes, though, I’d smelled marijuana smoke on the jackets of boys as I passed by them in the hallway. Had Beth somehow fallen in with that crowd?
No, I would have known. Or would I?
She’d hung out with her cheerleader friends and with Luke. I was often with them, tagging along, happy to be in the wake of my sister’s glow. Not once had she complained about having her nerdy little sister following her everywhere. Wouldn’t I have known if she’d gotten a different set of friends? A boy from the wrong social group? Back in high school all that had mattered, especially to someone like Beth. If we’d only known then how much more there was to life than what group you fell into during high school. Beth might have thought it was impossible to go public with a boy outside of her normal and accepted circle. My parents would not have wanted her to go out with someone who smoked or drank. Maybe that in combination with what the kids in school would think was enough to make her keep him a secret. Had that caused Z to become violent? Had her insistence they keep their relationship private caused him to kill her?
I went back to the journal.
I’m not even conflicted or unsure. Guilty, yes. I can barely look at Luke without cringing. He’s so trusting and unsuspecting. I’d have thought I’d question myself—like are my feelings real or am I just flattered that he’s chosen me—do I actually love Luke like I thought I did and this is all just a mistake because I was bored? But I don’t have any of those feelings. I want only one thing. I want to run away with Z and never look back. I’ve always thought it was only Carlie who lived half the time in her daydreams because she didn’t have the stuff she wanted. Now it’s me, living only when I’m with him or when I’m dreaming of him.
This wasn’t my Beth who went out of her way to be kind to everyone. Whoever this boy had been, he’d bewitched her.
I know I should break it off with Luke. It’s not fair to string him along when I’m in love with someone else. I thought I loved Luke, but now that I’m with Z I can see that was nothing but puppy love. I’m a woman now, not a little girl. I can’t go back to being innocent, virgin Beth. But if I break it off with Luke, everyone will know that I’ve changed. I want to keep it to myself.
I read a few more passages. She didn’t want school to end because she wouldn’t be able to see him. She hated lying to Luke. The next interesting bit was from June fourth. The night of her junior prom.
I went with Luke. I mean, what else could I do? I’m his girlfriend, after all. Mom made a big deal about my dress and even had me get my hair done at the salon. All I could think about was how I
