Short Plays

him baby,
Baby, baby,
Lit‑tle ba‑by bumpkins. Varinka Joining in to the same doggerel in canon, a third above. March him, baby, etc., etc. Edstaston Trying to make himself heard. No, no. This is carrying a joke too far. I must insist. Let me down! Hang it, will you let me down! Confound it! No, no. Stop playing the fool, will you? We don’t understand this sort of thing in England. I shall be disgraced. Let me down. Catherine Meanwhile. What a horrible noise! Naryshkin, see what it is. Naryshkin goes to the door. Catherine Listening. That is Prince Patiomkin. Naryshkin Calling from the door. Little Mother, a stranger. Catherine plunges into bed again and covers herself up. Patiomkin, followed by Varinka, carries Edstaston in; dumps him down on the foot of the bed; and staggers past it to the cabinet door. Varinka joins the courtiers at the opposite side of the room. Catherine, blazing with wrath, pushes Edstaston off her bed on to the floor; gets out of bed; and turns on Patiomkin with so terrible an expression that all kneel down hastily except Edstaston, who is sprawling on the carpet in angry confusion. Catherine Patiomkin: how dare you? Looking at Edstaston. What is this? Patiomkin On his knees: tearfully. I don’t know. I am drunk. What is this, Varinka? Edstaston Scrambling to his feet. Madam: this drunken ruffian⁠— Patiomkin Thas true. Drung’n ruffian. Took ’dvantage of my being drunk. Said: take me to Lil’ angel Mother. Take me to beauf’l Empress. Take me to the grea’st woman on earth. Thas whas he he said. I took him. I was wrong. I am not sober. Catherine Men have grown sober in Siberia for less, Prince. Patiomkin Serve ’em right! ’Sgusting habit. Ask Varinka. Catherine turns her face from him to the Court. The courtiers see that she is trying not to laugh, and know by experience that she will not succeed. They rise, relieved and grinning. Varinka It is true. He drinks like a pig. Patiomkin Plaintively. No: not like pig. Like prince. Lil’ Mother made poor Patiomkin prince. Whas use being prince if I mayn’t drink? Catherine Biting her lips. Go. I am offended. Patiomkin Don’t scold, Lil’ Mother. Catherine Imperiously. Go. Patiomkin Rising unsteadily. Yes: go. Go bye bye. Very sleepy. Berr go bye bye than go Siberia. Go bye bye in Lil’ Mother’s bed. He pretends to make an attempt to get into the bed. Catherine Energetically pulling him back. No, no! Patiomkin! What are you thinking of? He falls like a log on the floor, apparently dead drunk. The Princess Dashkoff Scandalous! An insult to your Imperial Majesty! Catherine Dashkoff: you have no sense of humor. She steps down to the door level and looks indulgently at Patiomkin. He gurgles brutishly. She has an impulse of disgust. Hog. She kicks him as hard as she can. Oh! You have broken my toe. Brute. Beast. Dashkoff is quite right. Do you hear? Patiomkin If you ask my pi-pinion of Dashkoff, my pipinion is that Dashkoff is drunk. Scan’lous. Poor Patiomkin go bye bye. He relapses into drunken slumbers. Some of the courtiers move to carry him away. Catherine Stopping them. Let him lie. Let him sleep it off. If he goes out it will be to a tavern and low company for the rest of the day. Indulgently. There! She takes a pillow from the bed and puts it under his head; then turns to Edstaston; surveys him with perfect dignity; and asks, in her queenliest manner. Varinka, who is this gentleman? Varinka A foreign captain: I cannot pronounce his name. I think he is mad. He came to the Prince and said he must see your Majesty. He can talk of nothing else. We could not prevent him. Edstaston Overwhelmed by this apparent betrayal. Oh! Madam: I am perfectly sane: I am actually an Englishman. I should never have dreamt of approaching your Majesty without the fullest credentials. I have letters from the English ambassador, from the Prussian ambassador. Naively. But everybody assured me that Prince Patiomkin is all-powerful with your Majesty; so I naturally applied to him. Patiomkin Interrupts the conversation by an agonized wheezing groan as of a donkey beginning to bray. !!! Catherine Like a fishfag. Schweig, du Hund. Resuming her impressive royal manner. Have you never been taught, sir, how a gentleman should enter the presence of a sovereign? Edstaston Yes, Madam; but I did not enter your presence: I was carried. Catherine But you say you asked the Prince to carry you. Edstaston Certainly not, Madam. I protested against it with all my might. I appeal to this lady to confirm me. Varinka Pretending to be indignant. Yes, you protested. But, all the same, you were very very very anxious to see her Imperial Majesty. You blushed when the Prince spoke of her. You threatened to strike him across the face with your sword because you thought he did not speak enthusiastically enough of her. To Catherine. Trust me: he has seen your Imperial Majesty before. Catherine To Edstaston. You have seen us before? Edstaston At the review, Madam. Varinka Triumphantly. Aha! I knew it. Your Majesty wore the hussar uniform. He saw how radiant! how splendid! your Majesty looked. Oh! he has dared to admire your Majesty. Such insolence is not to be endured. Edstaston All Europe is a party to that insolence, Madam. The Princess Dashkoff All Europe is content to do so at a respectful distance. It is possible to admire her Majesty’s policy and her eminence in literature and philosophy without performing acrobatic feats in the Imperial bed. Edstaston I know nothing about her Majesty’s eminence in policy or philosophy: I don’t pretend