Short Plays

to understand such things. I speak as a practical man. And I never knew that foreigners had any policy: I always thought that policy was Mr. Pitt’s business. Catherine Lifting her eyebrows. So? Varinka What else did you presume to admire her Majesty for, pray? Edstaston Addled. Well, I⁠—I⁠—I⁠—that is, I⁠—He stammers himself dumb. Catherine After a pitiless silence. We are waiting for your answer. Edstaston But I never said I admired your Majesty. The lady has twisted my words. Varinka You don’t admire her, then? Edstaston Well, I⁠—naturally⁠—of course, I can’t deny that the uniform was very becoming⁠—perhaps a little unfeminine⁠—still⁠— Dead silence. Catherine and the Court watch him stonily. He is wretchedly embarrassed. Catherine With cold majesty. Well, sir: is that all you have to say? Edstaston Surely there is no harm in noticing that er⁠—that er⁠—He stops again. Catherine Noticing that er⁠—? He gazes at her, speechless, like a fascinated rabbit. She repeats fiercely. That er⁠—? Edstaston Startled into speech. Well, that your Majesty was⁠—was⁠—Soothingly. Well, let me put it this way: that it was rather natural for a man to admire your Majesty without being a philosopher. Catherine Suddenly smiling and extending her hand to him to be kissed. Courtier! Edstaston Kissing it. Not at all. Your Majesty is very good. I have been very awkward; but I did not intend it. I am rather stupid, I am afraid. Catherine Stupid! By no means. Courage, Captain: we are pleased. He falls on his knee. She takes his cheeks in her hands: turns up his face: and adds: We are greatly pleased. She slaps his cheek coquettishly: he bows almost to his knee. The petit lever is over. She turns to go into the cabinet, and stumbles against the supine Patiomkin. Ach! Edstaston springs to her assistance, seizing Patiomkin’s heels and shifting him out of the Empress’s path. We thank you, Captain. He bows gallantly and is rewarded by a very gracious smile. Then Catherine goes into her cabinet, followed by the Princess Dashkoff, who turns at the door to make a deep courtsey to Edstaston. Varinka Happy Little Father! Remember: I did this for you. She runs out after the Empress. Edstaston, somewhat dazed, crosses the room to the courtiers, and is received with marked deference, each courtier making him a profound bow or curtsey before withdrawing through the central doors. He returns each obeisance with a nervous jerk, and turns away from it, only to find another courtier bowing at the other side. The process finally reduces him to distraction, as he bumps into one in the act of bowing to another and then has to bow his apologies. But at last they are all gone except Naryshkin. Edstaston Ouf! Patiomkin Jumping up vigorously. You have done it, darling. Superbly! Beautifully! Edstaston Astonished. Do you mean to say you are not drunk? Patiomkin Not dead drunk, darling. Only diplomatically drunk. As a drunken hog, I have done for you in five minutes what I could not have done in five months as a sober man. Your fortune is made. She likes you. Edstaston The devil she does! Patiomkin Why? Aren’t you delighted? Edstaston Delighted! Gracious heavens, man, I am engaged to be married. Patiomkin What matter? She is in England, isn’t she? Edstaston No. She has just arrived in St. Petersburg. The Princess Dashkoff Returning. Captain Edstaston, the Empress is robed, and commands your presence. Edstaston Say I was gone before you arrived with the message. He hurries out. The other three, too taken aback to stop him, stare after him in the utmost astonishment. Naryshkin Turning from the door. She will have him knouted. He is a dead man. The Princess Dashkoff But what am I to do? I cannot take such an answer to the Empress. Patiomkin P‑P‑P‑P‑P‑P‑W‑W‑W‑W‑W‑rrrrrr! A long puff, turning into a growl. He spits. I must kick somebody. Naryshkin Flying precipitately through the central doors. No, no. Please. The Princess Dashkoff Throwing herself recklessly in front of Patiomkin as he starts in pursuit of the Chamberlain. Kick me. Disable me. It will be an excuse for not going back to her. Kick me hard. Patiomkin Yah! He flings her on the bed and dashes after Naryshkin.

The Third Scene

In a terrace garden overlooking the Neva.

	Claire, a robust young English lady, is leaning on the river wall. She turns expectantly on hearing the garden gate opened and closed. Edstaston hurries in. With a cry of delight she throws her arms round his neck.
Claire	Darling!
Edstaston	Making a wry face. Don’t call me darling.
Claire	Amazed and chilled. Why?
Edstaston	I have been called darling all the morning.
Claire	With a flash of jealousy. By whom?
Edstaston	By everybody. By the most unutterable swine. And if we do not leave this abominable city now: do you hear? now; I shall be called darling by the Empress.
Claire	With magnificent snobbery. She would not dare. Did you tell her you were engaged to me?
Edstaston	Of course not.
Claire	Why?
Edstaston	Because I didn’t particularly want to have you knouted, and to be hanged or sent to Siberia myself.
Claire	What on earth do you mean?
Edstaston	Well, the long and short of it is⁠—don’t think me a coxcomb, Claire: it is too serious to mince matters⁠—I have seen the Empress; and⁠—
Claire	Well, you wanted to see her.
Edstaston	Yes; but the Empress has seen me.
Claire	She has fallen in love with you!
Edstaston	How did you know?
Claire	Dearest: as if anyone could help it.
Edstaston	Oh, don’t make me feel like a fool. But, though it does sound conceited to say it, I flatter myself I’m better looking than Patiomkin and the other hogs she is accustomed to. Anyhow, I daren’t risk staying.
Claire	What a nuisance! Mamma will be furious at having to pack, and at missing the Court ball