Short Plays

the prisoner. They dump Edstaston on the floor and detach the pole. Naryshkin stoops over him and addresses him insultingly. Well! are you ready to be tortured? This is the Empress’s private torture chamber. Can I do anything to make you quite comfortable? You have only to mention it. Edstaston Have you any back teeth? Naryshkin Surprised. Why? Edstaston His Majesty King George the Third will send for six of them when the news of this reaches London; so look out, damn your eyes! Naryshkin Frightened. Oh, I assure you I am only obeying my orders. Personally I abhor torture, and would save you if I could. But the Empress is proud; and what woman would forgive the slight you put upon her? Edstaston As I said before: Damn your eyes! Naryshkin Almost in tears. Well, it isn’t my fault. To the soldiers, insolently. You know your orders? You remember what you have to do when the Empress gives you the word? The soldiers salute in assent. Naryshkin passes through the curtains, admitting a blare of music and a strip of the brilliant white candlelight from the chandeliers in the ballroom as he does so. The white light vanishes and the music is muffled as the curtains fall together behind him. Presently the band stops abruptly; and Naryshkin comes back through the curtains. He makes a warning gesture to the soldiers, who stand at attention. Then he moves the curtain to allow Catherine to enter. She is in full Imperial regalia, and stops sternly just where she has entered. The soldiers fall on their knees. Catherine Obey your orders. The soldiers seize Edstaston, and throw him roughly at the feet of the Empress. Catherine Looking down coldly on him. Also the German word, you have put me to the trouble of sending for you twice. You had better have come the first time. Edstaston Exsufflicate, and pettishly angry. I haven’t come either time. I’ve been carried. I call it infernal impudence. Catherine Take care what you say. Edstaston No use. I daresay you look very majestic and very handsome; but I can’t see you; and I am not intimidated. I am an Englishman; and you can kidnap me; but you can’t bully me. Naryshkin Remember to whom you are speaking. Catherine Violently, furious at his intrusion. Remember that dogs should be dumb. He shrivels. And do you, Captain, remember that famous as I am for my clemency, there are limits to the patience even of an Empress. Edstaston How is a man to remember anything when he is trussed up in this ridiculous fashion? I can hardly breathe. He makes a futile struggle to free himself. Here: don’t be unkind, your Majesty: tell these fellows to unstrap me. You know you really owe me an apology. Catherine You think you can escape by appealing, like Prince Patiomkin, to my sense of humor? Edstaston Sense of humor! Ho! Ha, ha! I like that. Would anybody with a sense of humor make a guy of a man like this, and then expect him to take it seriously? I say: do tell them to loosen these straps. Catherine Seating herself. Why should I, pray? Edstaston Why! Why!! Why, because they’re hurting me. Catherine People sometimes learn through suffering. Manners, for instance. Edstaston Oh, well, of course, if you’re an ill-natured woman, hurting me on purpose, I have nothing more to say. Catherine A monarch, sir, has sometimes to employ a necessary and salutary severity⁠— Edstaston Interrupting her petulantly. Quack! quack! quack! Catherine Donnerwetter! Edstaston Continuing recklessly. This isn’t severity: it’s tomfoolery. And if you think it’s reforming my character or teaching me anything, you’re mistaken. It may be a satisfaction to you; but if it is, all I can say is that it’s not an amiable satisfaction. Catherine Turning suddenly and balefully on Naryshkin. What are you grinning at? Naryshkin Falling on his knees in terror. Be merciful, Little Mother. My heart is in my mouth. Catherine Your heart and your mouth will be in two separate parts of your body if you again forget in whose presence you stand. Go. And take your men with you. Naryshkin crawls to the door. The soldiers rise. Stop. Roll that indicating Edstaston nearer. The soldiers obey. Not so close. Did I ask you for a footstool? She pushes Edstaston away with her foot. Edstaston With a sudden squeal. Agh!!! I must really ask your Majesty not to put the point of your Imperial toe between my ribs. I am ticklesome. Catherine Indeed? All the more reason for you to treat me with respect, Captain. To the others. Begone. How many times must I give an order before it is obeyed? Naryshkin Little Mother: they have brought some instruments of torture. Will they be needed? Catherine Indignantly. How dare you name such abominations to a Liberal Empress? You will always be a savage and a fool, Naryshkin. These relics of barbarism are buried, thank God, in the grave of Peter the Great. My methods are more civilized. She extends her toe towards Edstaston’s ribs. Edstaston Shrieking hysterically. Yagh! Ah! Furiously. If your Majesty does that again I will write to the London Gazette. Catherine To the soldiers. Leave us. Quick! do you hear? Five thousand blows of the stick for the soldier who is in the room when I speak next. The soldiers rush out. Naryshkin: are you waiting to be knouted? Naryshkin backs out hastily. Catherine and Edstaston are now alone. Catherine has in her hand a sceptre or baton of gold. Wrapped round it is a new pamphlet, in French, entitled L’Homme aux Quarante Ecus. She calmly unrolls this and begins to read it at her ease as if she were quite alone. Several seconds elapse in dead silence. She becomes more and more absorbed in the pamphlet, and more and more amused