Short Plays

with the train in his mouth it is not very intelligible. Claire Let go. You are undignified and ridiculous enough yourself without making me ridiculous. She snatches her train away. Edstaston Ow! You’ve nearly pulled my teeth out: you’re worse than the Star of the North. To Catherine. Darling Little Mother: you have a kind heart, the kindest in Europe. Have pity. Have mercy. I love you. Claire bursts into tears. Release me. Catherine Well, just to show you how much kinder a Russian savage can be than an English one (though I am sorry to say I am a German) here goes! She stoops to loosen the straps. Claire Jealously. You needn’t trouble, thank you. She pounces on the straps; and the two set Edstaston free between them. Now get up, please; and conduct yourself with some dignity if you are not utterly demoralized. Edstaston Dignity! Ow! I can’t. I’m stiff all over. I shall never be able to stand up again. Oh Lord! how it hurts! They seize him by the shoulders and drag him up. Yah! Agh! Wow! Oh! Mmmmmm! Oh, Little Angel Mother, don’t ever do this to a man again. Knout him; kill him; roast him; baste him; head, hang, and quarter him; but don’t tie him up like that and tickle him. Catherine Your young lady still seems to think that you enjoyed it. Claire I know what I think. I will never speak to him again. Your Majesty can keep him, as far as I am concerned. Catherine I would not deprive you of him for worlds; though really I think he’s rather a darling. She pats his cheek. Claire Snorting. So I see, indeed. Edstaston Don’t be angry, dearest: in this country everybody’s a darling. I’ll prove it to you. To Catherine. Will your Majesty be good enough to call Prince Patiomkin? Catherine Surprised into haughtiness. Why? Edstaston To oblige me. Catherine laughs good-humoredly and goes to the curtains and opens them. The band strikes up a Redowa. Catherine Calling imperiously. Patiomkin! The music stops suddenly. Here! To me! Go on with your music there, you fools. The Redowa is resumed. The Sergeant rushes from the ballroom to relieve the Empress of the curtain. Patiomkin comes in dancing with Varinka. Catherine To Patiomkin. The English captain wants you, little darling. Catherine resumes her seat as Patiomkin intimates by a grotesque bow that he is at Edstaston’s service. Varinka passes behind Edstaston and Claire, and posts herself on Claire’s right. Edstaston Precisely. To Claire. You observe, my love: “little darling.” Well, if her Majesty calls him a darling, is it my fault that she calls me one too? Claire I don’t care: I don’t think you ought to have done it. I am very angry and offended. Edstaston They tied me up, dear. I couldn’t help it. I fought for all I was worth. The Sergeant At the curtains. He fought with the strength of lions and bears. God knows I shall carry a broken sweetbread to my grave. Edstaston You can’t mean to throw me over, Claire. Urgently. Claire. Claire. Varinka In a transport of sympathetic emotion, pleading with clasped hands to Claire. Oh, sweet little angel lamb, he loves you: it shines in his darling eyes. Pardon him, pardon him. Patiomkin Rushing from the Empress’s side to Claire and falling on his knees to her. Pardon him, pardon him, little cherub! little wild duck! little star! little glory! little jewel in the crown of heaven! Claire This is perfectly ridiculous. Varinka Kneeling to her. Pardon him, pardon him, little delight, little sleeper in a rosy cradle. Claire I’ll do anything if you’ll only let me alone. The Sergeant Kneeling to her. Pardon him, pardon him, lest the mighty man bring his whip to you. God knows we all need pardon! Claire At the top of her voice. I pardon him! I pardon him! Patiomkin Springing up joyfully and going behind Claire, whom he raises in his arms. Embrace her, victor of Bunker’s Hill. Kiss her till she swoons. The Sergeant Receive her in the name of the holy Nicholas. Varinka She begs you for a thousand dear little kisses all over her body. Claire Vehemently. I do not. Patiomkin throws her into Edstaston’s arms. Oh! The pair, awkward and shamefaced, recoil from one another, and remain utterly inexpressive. Catherine Pushing Edstaston towards Claire. There is no help for it, Captain. This is Russia, not England. Edstaston Plucking up some geniality, and kissing Claire ceremoniously on the brow. I have no objection. Varinka Disgusted. Only one kiss! and on the forehead! Fish. See how I kiss, though it is only my horribly ugly old uncle. She throws her arms round Patiomkin’s neck and covers his face with kisses. The Sergeant Moved to tears. Sainted Nicholas: bless your lambs! Catherine Do you wonder now that I love Russia as I love no other place on earth? Naryshkin Appearing at the door. Majesty: the model for the new museum has arrived. Catherine Rising eagerly and making for the curtains. Let us go. I can think of nothing but my museum. In the archway she stops and turns to Edstaston, who has hurried to lift the curtain for her. Captain, I wish you every happiness that your little angel can bring you. For his ear alone. I could have brought you more; but you did not think so. Farewell. Edstaston Kissing her hand, which, instead of releasing, he holds caressingly and rather patronizingly in his own. I feel your Majesty’s kindness so much that I really cannot leave you without a word of plain wholesome English advice. Exclaiming simultaneously. Catherine Snatching her hand away and bounding forward as if