Short Plays

by it. Catherine Greatly pleased by a passage, and turning over the leaf. Ausgezeiehnet! Edstaston Ahem! Silence. Catherine reads on. Catherine Wie komisch! Edstaston Ahem! ahem! Silence. Catherine Soliloquizing enthusiastically. What a wonderful author is Monsieur Voltaire! How lucidly he exposes the folly of this crazy plan for raising the entire revenue of the country from a single tax on land! how he withers it with his irony! how he makes you laugh whilst he is convincing you! how sure one feels that the proposal is killed by his wit and economic penetration: killed never to be mentioned again among educated people! Edstaston For Heaven’s sake, Madam, do you intend to leave me tied up like this while you discuss the blasphemies of that abominable infidel? Agh!! She has again applied her toe. Oh! Oo! Catherine Calmly. Do I understand you to say that Monsieur Voltaire is a great philanthropist and a great philosopher as well as the wittiest man in Europe? Edstaston Certainly not. I say that his books ought to be burnt by the common hangman. Her toe touches his ribs. Yagh! Oh don’t. I shall faint. I can’t bear it. Catherine Have you changed your opinion of Monsieur Voltaire? Edstaston But you can’t expect me as a member of the Church of England she tickles him⁠—Agh! Ow! Oh Lord! he is anything you like. He is a philanthropist, a philosopher, a beauty: he ought to have a statue, damn him! She tickles him. No! bless him! save him victorious, happy and glorious! Oh, let eternal honors crown his name: Voltaire thrice worthy on the rolls of fame! Exhausted. Now will you let me up? And look here! I can see your ankles when you tickle me: it’s not ladylike. Catherine Sticking out her toe and admiring it critically. Is the spectacle so disagreeable? Edstaston It’s agreeable enough; only with intense expression for heaven’s sake don’t touch me in the ribs. Catherine Putting aside the pamphlet. Captain Edstaston, why did you refuse to come when I sent for you? Edstaston Madam: I cannot talk tied up like this. Catherine Do you still admire me as much as you did this morning? Edstaston How can I possibly tell when I can’t see you? Let me get up and look. I can’t see anything now except my toes and yours. Catherine Do you still intend to write to the London Gazette about me? Edstaston Not if you will loosen these straps. Quick: loosen me. I’m fainting. Catherine I don’t think you are. Tickling him. Edstaston Agh! Cat! Catherine What! She tickles him again. Edstaston With a shriek. No: angel, angel! Catherine Tenderly. Geliebter! Edstaston I don’t know a word of German; but that sounded kind. Becoming hysterical. Little Mother, beautiful little darling angel mother: don’t be cruel: untie me. Oh, I beg and implore you. Don’t be unkind. I shall go mad. Catherine You are expected to go mad with love when an Empress deigns to interest herself in you. When an Empress allows you to see her foot you should kiss it. Captain Edstaston: you are a booby. Edstaston Indignantly. I am nothing of the kind. I have been mentioned in dispatches as a highly intelligent officer. And let me warn your Majesty that I am not so helpless as you think. The English Ambassador is in that ballroom. A shout from me will bring him to my side; and then where will your Majesty be? Catherine I should like to see the English Ambassador or anyone else pass through that curtain against my orders. It might be a stone wall ten feet thick. Shout your loudest. Sob. Curse. Scream. Yell. She tickles him unmercifully. Edstaston Frantically. Ahowyow!!!! Agh! Ooh! Stop! Oh Lord! Ya-a-a-ah! A tumult in the ballroom responds to his cries. Voices from the Ballroom Stand back. You cannot pass. Hold her back there. The Empress’s orders. It is out of the question. No, little darling, not in there. Nobody is allowed in there. You will be sent to Siberia. Don’t let her through there, on your life. Drag her back. You will be knouted. It is hopeless, Mademoiselle: you must obey orders. Guard there! Send some men to hold her. Claire’s Voice Let me go. They are torturing Charles in there. I will go. How can you all dance as if nothing was happening? Let me go, I tell you. Let⁠—me⁠—go. She dashes through the curtain. No one dares follow her. Catherine Rising in wrath. How dare you? Claire Recklessly. Oh, dare your grandmother! Where is my Charles? What are they doing to him? Edstaston Shouting. Claire: loosen these straps, in Heaven’s name. Quick. Claire Seeing him and throwing herself on her knees at his side. Oh, how dare they tie you up like that! To Catherine. You wicked wretch! You Russian savage! She pounces on the straps, and begins unbuckling them. Catherine Conquering herself with a mighty effort. Now self-control. Self-control, Catherine. Philosophy. Europe is looking on. She forces herself to sit down. Edstaston Steady, dearest: it is the Empress. Call her your Imperial Majesty. Call her Star of the North, Little Mother, Little Darling: that’s what she likes; but get the straps off. Claire Keep quiet, dear: I cannot get them off if you move. Catherine Calmly. Keep quite still, Captain. She tickles him. Edstaston Ow! Agh! Ahowyow! Claire Stopping dead in the act of unbuckling the straps and turning sick with jealousy as she grasps the situation. Was that what I thought was your being tortured? Catherine Urbanely. That is the favorite torture of Catherine the Second, Mademoiselle. I think the Captain enjoys it very much. Claire Then he can have as much more of it as he wants. I am sorry I intruded. She rises to go. Edstaston Catching her train in his teeth and holding on like a bulldog. Don’t go. Don’t leave me in this horrible state. Loosen me. This is what he is saying: but as he says it