Short Plays

and glory, is paraded to hear seditious speeches from penniless rebels, with the colonel actually forced to take the chair and introduce the speaker. I myself am made Commander-in-Chief by my own solicitor: a Jew, Schneidekind! a Hebrew Jew! It seems only yesterday that these things would have been the ravings of a madman: today they are the commonplaces of the gutter press. I live now for three objects only: to defeat the enemy, to restore the Panjandrum, and to hang my solicitor. Schneidekind Be careful, sir: these are dangerous views to utter nowadays. What if I were to betray you? Strammfest What! Schneidekind I won’t, of course: my own father goes on just like that; but suppose I did? Strammfest Chuckling. I should accuse you of treason to the Revolution, my lad; and they would immediately shoot you, unless you cried and asked to see your mother before you died, when they would probably change their minds and make you a brigadier. Enough. He rises and expands his chest. I feel the better for letting myself go. To business. He takes up a telegram; opens it; and is thunderstruck by its contents. Great heaven! He collapses into his chair. This is the worst blow of all. Schneidekind What has happened? Are we beaten? Strammfest Man, do you think that a mere defeat could strike me down as this news does: I, who have been defeated thirteen times since the war began? O, my master, my master, my Panjandrum! He is convulsed with sobs. Schneidekind They have killed him? Strammfest A dagger has been struck through his heart⁠— Schneidekind Good God! Strammfest —and through mine, through mine. Schneidekind Relieved. Oh: a metaphorical dagger! I thought you meant a real one. What has happened? Strammfest His daughter the Grand Duchess Annajanska, she whom the Panjandrina loved beyond all her other children, has⁠—has⁠—He cannot finish. Schneidekind Committed suicide? Strammfest No. Better if she had. Oh, far far better. Schneidekind In hushed tones. Left the Church? Strammfest Shocked. Certainly not. Do not blaspheme, young man. Schneidekind Asked for the vote? Strammfest I would have given it to her with both hands to save her from this. Schneidekind Save her from what? Dash it, sir, out with it. Strammfest She has joined the Revolution. Schneidekind But so have you, sir. We’ve all joined the Revolution. She doesn’t mean it any more than we do. Strammfest Heaven grant you may be right! But that is not the worst. She has eloped with a young officer. Eloped, Schneidekind, eloped! Schneidekind Not particularly impressed. Yes, sir. Strammfest Annajanska, the beautiful, the innocent, my master’s daughter! He buries his face in his hands. The telephone rings. Schneidekind Taking the receiver. Yes: G.H.Q. Yes⁠ ⁠… Don’t bawl: I’m not a general. Who is it speaking?⁠ ⁠… Why didn’t you say so? don’t you know your duty? Next time you will lose your stripe⁠ ⁠… Oh, they’ve made you a colonel, have they? Well, they’ve made me a field-marshal: now what have you to say?⁠ ⁠… Look here: what did you ring up for? I can’t spend the day here listening to your cheek⁠ ⁠… What! the Grand Duchess! Strammfest starts. Where did you catch her? Strammfest Snatching the telephone and listening for the answer. Speak louder, will you: I am a General⁠ ⁠… I know that, you dolt. Have you captured the officer that was with her?⁠ ⁠… Damnation! You shall answer for this: you let him go: he bribed you. You must have seen him: the fellow is in the full dress court uniform of the Panderobajensky Hussars. I give you twelve hours to catch him or⁠ ⁠… what’s that you say about the devil? Are you swearing at me, you⁠ ⁠… Thousand thunders! To Schneidekind. The swine says that the Grand Duchess is a devil incarnate. Into the telephone. Filthy traitor: is that the way you dare speak of the daughter of our anointed Panjandrum? I’ll⁠— Schneidekind Pulling the telephone from his lips. Take care, sir. Strammfest I won’t take care: I’ll have him shot. Let go that telephone. Schneidekind But for her own sake, sir⁠— Strammfest Eh? Schneidekind For her own sake they had better send her here. She will be safe in your hands. Strammfest Yielding the receiver. You are right. Be civil to him. I should choke. He sits down. Schneidekind Into the telephone. Hullo. Never mind all that: it’s only a fellow here who has been fooling with the telephone. I had to leave the room for a moment. Wash out; and send the girl along. We’ll jolly soon teach her to behave herself here⁠ ⁠… Oh, you’ve sent her already. Then why the devil didn’t you say so, you⁠—He hangs up the telephone angrily. Just fancy: they started her off this morning: and all this is because the fellow likes to get on the telephone and hear himself talk now that he is a colonel. The telephone rings again. He snatches the receiver furiously. What’s the matter now?⁠ ⁠… To the General. It’s our own people downstairs. Into the receiver. Here! do you suppose I’ve nothing else to do than to hang on to the telephone all day?⁠ ⁠… What’s that? Not men enough to hold her! What do you mean? To the General. She is there, sir. Strammfest Tell them to send her up. I shall have to receive her without even rising, without kissing her hand, to keep up appearances before the escort. It will break my heart. Schneidekind Into the receiver. Send her up⁠ ⁠… Tcha! He hangs up the receiver. He says she is halfway up already: they couldn’t hold her. The Grand Duchess bursts into the room, dragging with her two exhausted soldiers hanging on desperately to her arms. She is enveloped from head to foot by a fur-lined cloak, and wears a fur cap. Schneidekind Pointing to the bench. At the word Go, place your prisoner on the bench in a sitting posture; and take your seats right and left of her. Go. The two soldiers make a supreme effort to