Short Plays

force her to sit down. She flings them back so that they are forced to sit on the bench to save themselves from falling backwards over it, and is herself dragged into sitting between them. The second soldier, holding on tight to the Grand Duchess with one hand, produces papers with the other, and waves them towards Schneidekind, who takes them from him and passes them on to the General. He opens them and reads them with a grave expression. Schneidekind Be good enough to wait, prisoner, until the General has read the papers on your case. The Grand Duchess To the soldiers. Let go. To Strammfest. Tell them to let go, or I’ll upset the bench backwards and bash our three heads on the floor. First Soldier No, little mother. Have mercy on the poor. Strammfest Growling over the edge of the paper he is reading. Hold your tongue. The Grand Duchess Blazing. Me, or the soldier? Strammfest Horrified. The soldier, madam. The Grand Duchess Tell him to let go. Strammfest Release the lady. The soldiers take their hands off her. One of them wipes his fevered brow. The other sucks his wrist. Schneidekind Fiercely. ’ttention! The two soldiers sit up stiffly. The Grand Duchess Oh, let the poor man suck his wrist. It may be poisoned. I bit it. Strammfest Shocked. You bit a common soldier! The Grand Duchess Well, I offered to cauterize it with the poker in the office stove. But he was afraid. What more could I do? Schneidekind Why did you bite him, prisoner? The Grand Duchess He would not let go. Strammfest Did he let go when you bit him? The Grand Duchess No. Patting the soldier on the back. You should give the man a cross for his devotion. I could not go on eating him; so I brought him along with me. Strammfest Prisoner⁠— The Grand Duchess Don’t call me prisoner, General Strammfest. My grandmother dandled you on her knee. Strammfest Bursting into tears. O God, yes. Believe me, my heart is what it was then. The Grand Duchess Your brain also is what it was then. I will not be addressed by you as prisoner. Strammfest I may not, for your own sake, call you by your rightful and most sacred titles. What am I to call you? The Grand Duchess The Revolution has made us comrades. Call me comrade. Strammfest I had rather die. The Grand Duchess Then call me Annajanska; and I will call you Peter Piper, as grandmamma did. Strammfest Painfully agitated. Schneidekind, you must speak to her: I cannot⁠—He breaks down. Schneidekind Officially. The Republic of Beotia has been compelled to confine the Panjandrum and his family, for their own safety, within certain bounds. You have broken those bounds. Strammfest Taking the word from him. You are⁠—I must say it⁠—a prisoner. What am I to do with you? The Grand Duchess You should have thought of that before you arrested me. Strammfest Come, come, prisoner! do you know what will happen to you if you compel me to take a sterner tone with you? The Grand Duchess No. But I know what will happen to you. Strammfest Pray what, prisoner? The Grand Duchess Clergyman’s sore throat. Schneidekind splutters; drops a paper: and conceals his laughter under the table. Strammfest Thunderously. Lieutenant Schneidekind. Schneidekind In a stifled voice. Yes, sir. The table vibrates visibly. Strammfest Come out of it, you fool: you’re upsetting the ink. Schneidekind emerges, red in the face with suppressed mirth. Strammfest Why don’t you laugh? Don’t you appreciate Her Imperial Highness’s joke? Schneidekind Suddenly becoming solemn. I don’t want to, sir. Strammfest Laugh at once, sir. I order you to laugh. Schneidekind With a touch of temper. I really can’t, sir. He sits down decisively. Strammfest Growling at him. Yah! He turns impressively to the Grand Duchess. Your Imperial Highness desires me to address you as comrade? The Grand Duchess Rising and waving a red handkerchief. Long live the Revolution, comrade! Strammfest Rising and saluting. Proletarians of all lands, unite. Lieutenant Schneidekind, you will rise and sing the Marseillaise. Schneidekind Rising. But I cannot, sir. I have no voice, no ear. Strammfest Then sit down; and bury your shame in your typewriter. Schneidekind sits down. Comrade Annajanska, you have eloped with a young officer. The Grand Duchess Astounded. General Strammfest, you lie. Strammfest Denial, comrade, is useless. It is through that officer that your movements have been traced. The Grand Duchess is suddenly enlightened, and seems amused. Strammfest continues in a forensic manner. He joined you at the Golden Anchor in Hakonsburg. You gave us the slip there; but the officer was traced to Potterdam, where you rejoined him and went alone to Premsylople. What have you done with that unhappy young man? Where is he? The Grand Duchess Pretending to whisper an important secret. Where he has always been. Strammfest Eagerly. Where is that? The Grand Duchess Impetuously. In your imagination. I came alone. I am alone. Hundreds of officers travel every day from Hakonsburg to Potterdam. What do I know about them? Strammfest They travel in khaki. They do not travel in full dress court uniform as this man did. Schneidekind Only officers who are eloping with grand duchesses wear court uniform: otherwise the grand duchesses could not be seen with them. Strammfest Hold your tongue. Schneidekind, in high dudgeon, folds his arms and retires from the conversation. The General returns to his paper and to his examination of the Grand Duchess. This officer travelled with your passport. What have you to say to that? The Grand Duchess Bosh! How could a man travel with a woman’s passport? Strammfest It is quite simple, as you very well know. A dozen travellers arrive at the boundary. The official collects their passports. He counts twelve persons; then counts the passports. If there are twelve, he is satisfied. The Grand Duchess Then how do you know that one of the passports was mine? Strammfest A waiter at the Potterdam Hotel looked at the officer’s passport when he was in