Short Plays

it’s not my business to be a father to every young lady who walks into my office. Anastasia Not your business! Why, Whitaker’s Almanac says you get £5,000 a year. You don’t get that for nothing, I suppose. To Mercer. By the way, Whitaker doesn’t say how much you get. Mercer I get one-fifty. Anastasia One-fifty into £5,000 goes about thirty-three times. Why does he get thirty-three times as much as you? Is he thirty-three times as good? Mercer He thinks so. The Lord Chancellor I set up no such ridiculous pretension, Mercer. Anastasia To the Lord Chancellor. Perhaps you’re thirty-three times as sober. How much do you drink every day? The Lord Chancellor I am almost a teetotaller. A single bottle of burgundy is quite sufficient for me. Anastasia To Mercer. Then I suppose you drink thirty-three bottles of burgundy a day. Mercer Thirty-three bottles of burgundy a day on one-fifty a year! Not me. It hardly runs to beer on Sundays. Anastasia Well, there must be something awfully wrong about you, you know, if you get only the thirty-third of what he gets. The Lord Chancellor No, madam, Mercer is an excellent man in his proper place. Anastasia Then there must be something awfully right about you. The Lord Chancellor I hope so. Anastasia I don’t see the difference myself. Mercer He’s better fed. Anastasia Is he? I should have thought he was too red about the nose to be quite healthy. It’s the burgundy, I expect. However, I didn’t come here to talk about you two. Call it selfish if you will; but I came to talk about myself. The fact is, I’m an orphan. At least, I think I am. The Lord Chancellor Don’t you know? Anastasia No. I was brought up in what you might politely call a sort of public institution. They found me on the doorstep, you know. Might have happened to anybody, mightnt it? Mercer Scandalized. And you have the audacity to come here and talk up to us as if you was a lady. Be off with you; and be ashamed of yourself, you hussy. The Lord Chancellor Gently, Mercer, gently. It is not the poor girl’s fault. Mercer Not her fault! Why, she ain’t anybody’s daughter: she’s only an offspring. Anastasia Perhaps I’m his daughter, my lord. Mercer Oh, you wicked girl! Oh, you naughty story, you! Oh, that I should have lived to have this accusation brought against me: me! a respectable man! Anastasia I had a feeling the moment I saw you. The Lord Chancellor The voice of Nature! Oh, Mercer, Mercer! Mercer I’ll have the law of you for this, I will. Oh, say you don’t believe her, my lord. Don’t drive me mad. Say you don’t believe her. The Lord Chancellor I can’t disregard the voice of Nature, Mercer. The evidence against you is very black. Mercer Me the father of a common girl found on a workhouse doorstep! Anastasia Rising most indignantly. How dare you presume to say such a thing? A workhouse doorstep indeed! I was found on the doorstep of one of the very best houses in Park Lane. The Lord Chancellor Overwhelmed. My dear young lady, how can I apologize⁠— Mercer Crushed. I’m sure I beg your pardon most humbly, Miss. The Lord Chancellor Forget the rudeness of my clerk: he knows no better. Resume your seat, I beg. Mercer If I had only known, Miss! Park Lane! I could bite my tongue out for my bad manners, I do assure you. Anastasia Say no more. Of course you could not know my social position. Mercer Don’t say that, Miss. You have Park Lane in every feature. The Lord Chancellor Effusively. In your manners. Mercer In your accent. The Lord Chancellor In your tone⁠— Mercer Address⁠— The Lord Chancellor A je ne sais quoi⁠— Mercer A tout ensemble⁠— Anastasia You speak French? Mercer Not a word, Miss; but at the sight of that hat of yours the French fairly burst out of me. Anastasia You are very good⁠— The Lord Chancellor Oh, not at all. Mercer Don’t mention it. Anastasia Don’t begin again. I forgive you both. Now, attention! I’m a good-hearted but somewhat flighty girl; and I require some serious interest in life to steady me. As I had an ungovernable appetite, and was naturally rather inclined to be stout, I tried politics. For you, a man, politics meant the House of Lords. For me, a woman, politics meant Holloway Gaol and the hunger strike. I refused to take food until I was so frightfully hungry that when the Governor⁠—who was a plump, chubby, tempting sort of man, you know⁠—came into my cell and remonstrated with me, I attempted to devour him. The Lord Chancellor Pardon me. I thought you Suffragist lambs prided yourselves on acting always on principle. On what principle, may I ask, do you justify an attempt to devour an estimable public official? Anastasia On the Cat and Mouse principle, my lord. That is a part of the law of England. Mercer Never. Not when the woman is the cat. The Lord Chancellor May I ask, madam, what the unfortunate mouse did on this occasion? Anastasia He got quite angry, and said he wouldn’t have me in his prison another minute⁠—not if I went down on my knees and begged him to let me stay. Of course I refused to go; but I had to let the poor man have his way at last, though it took ten wardresses to persuade me to do it. I left them simply in ribbons, poor things. Prison made a great change in me. Before I went in I felt a great want of something to love; but when I came out I felt nothing but a great want of something to eat. There were two public houses near the prison. One had a placard up “Sausage and Mashed,” the other “Sandwich and Small Lloyd George.” I visited both in succession, and had two goes of each delicacy. I then drove to the Holborn Restaurant and had a five shilling lunch, stopping at three Pearce and Plentys on the way to sustain exhausted nature. At the Holborn